The Convict Trio and the Wings of the Heir
by Voldie For Prez
Summary: What starts with a fight between Lupin and Snape at lunch becomes much more. Undergone complete Schnooglization! R/R, please! UPDATE: Chapter 11! The aftermath of Gilderoy Lockhart's murder!
1. Chapter 1: War of the Professors

Title: The Convict Trio and the Wings of the Heir (1/?)

Name: Voldie For Prez

Email: hsfnww@yahoo.com

Category: Humor

Keywords: Lupin, Snape, Sirius, Merlin, Armani

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: All Four Books, FB

Summary: AU fic. Lupin and Snape get into a fight at lunch. Eventually hauled off to Azkaban, they escape (with Sirius Black in tow) and set off to clear their names. Includes a teacher named Nads, Voldie playing Quidditch, snazzy Armani suits, Merlin's sense of humor, stinkbomb potions, but only a tiny bit of snogging. We're so sorry.

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Author's Note: We'd.. umm.. like to thank JKR, fer making the incredibly diverse world that we mold like putty and make fanfics out of. Lari would like to thank Kels for getting her started in Harry Potter RPing. BTW, we're two people, really. I'm Akane and that's Lari. *points to invisible people* Her AIM is eyeKEELyuu and mine is Scary BogMonster. Err.. that's pretty much it. XD Lari would like to say...'MWAAR! Yah, we're crazy.' Visit our equally crazy RPG at http://www.geocities.com/hsfnww/index2.html XD XD

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War of the Professors

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Lari's AN: Please keep in mind that this was done as a test roleplay in an RPG of ours. In truth, we wrote this while laughing our asses off in amusement. :D We'd like to note that we DO like these characters. We're not bashing at all. XD

Akane's AN: We know that Lupin wouldn't be DADA teacher during Harry's first year. But we dun really care. *slaps an AU label on the fic and makes everything alright* XD Please forgive the outrageous OoC. Revised now! :D

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As Lupin sat down in his cushy green chair riiiiiight next to Snape, the golden platters in front of him immediately filled with food. Chicken, beef, mutton, veal, there was no end to the meaty goodness. A sharp observer would notice that there were no veggies or any kind of non-meat products in Lupin's vicinity. Of course, everybody in the Great Hall was too busy eating and chatting to notice anything much at all. 

The enchanted ceiling was showing a bright, sunny day. Quidditch season was approaching, and Lupin's sharp ears caught many rumbles of discontent from the green and silver-bannered table. Most of them were about Harry Potter, the young first year in Gryffindor and, incidentally, one of the most famous people in the Wizarding World (just had to capitalize that). Idly gnawing on a lamb's leg bone, Lupin rose from his spot at the teacher's table and sauntered over to the Slytherin table, where he stopped in front of a certain silver-haired youth, who had been complaining the loudest of all. 

"If you had any complaints about Harry," Lupin said to Draco, smiling pleasantly. "you could have told a teacher about them, you know." Still twirling that lamb bone around. XD 

Draco did something of a double take on hearing Lupin's voice, but relaxed a bit when he saw the DADA teacher. He fingered the *silver* clasps on the front of his robes as he took in the Professor's shabby and slightly singed robes.

"Oh... _Professor_. I just hope Potter is as good a flyer as he's made out to be." He looked around at his housemates and smirked. "We won't want to scrape him off the field after the match." 

"Anything that involves scraping Potter off the field as a result sounds rather entertaining, actually." Azraelle said under her breath, followed by some sniggers from a few fellow Slytherins.

"And I assume that you'd be the one doing the scraping, Ms. Viliaris?" Lupin said sharply. He started balancing the bone on one finger; it teetered precariously back and forth. "Although I must admit, you don't look like one to enjoy physical labor," he commented, sliding smoothly around to stand behind Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle. 

"Then again, perhaps we could employ Messrs. Crabbe and Goyle here. They look to have the strength of a dragon!" Lupin enthused. "And the brains to match," he added as an afterthought. Crabbe and Goyle, too stupid to understand that they were being insulted, puffed out their chests proudly with important looks spreading on their gormless faces. Patting them both on the backs, he passed on to the girls' side of the table.

"Or maybe we'd be better off with the.. err.. fairer sex," he said, although he was obviously pondering whether the term 'fair' could ever be applied to the likes of Millicent Bulstrode or Pansy Parkinson. Lupin stroked his chin briefly and suddenly an idea made its way into his head.

"You, you, and you," he snapped, pointing at Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle. "Since you three are so concerned about Harry's safety, perhaps you can make a net to catch him in. During your free time." He paused to consider it for a moment. "Without magic. After all, I wouldn't want you to waste your eldritch energies like that." 

Crabbe hesitantly raised his meaty hand. "Uhh... Professor? What're we gonna do with the net when we're done making it?"

Lupin's eyes lit up. "Why, you're going to run around the Quidditch stadium, ready to catch Harry should he fall. And you'll be doing it for the entire game." Lupin made a mental note to get Harry keeping the game going as long as possible. 

The lamb bone perched on Lupin's finger finally teetered and fell, giving Malfoy a good clout and plunging into Goyle's pumpkin cider with a loud splash.

"Oops. Clumsy me. So sorry about that," Lupin said lazily, not sounding very sorry about it at all. With that, he turned back to the teacher's table, his eyes on a rather delectable looking meat pie. Nummy. 

--------------------------------

...But _DEAR_ Professor Remus Lupin was intercepted by Snape before he could make it to the teachers' table. A pity.

The Potions Master gave the werewolf a piercing glare. "Excuse me," he began coldly, eyeing Lupin as if he were an unwelcome smudge on his cloak, "but I do believe the Slytherin students are mine to handle. Care to explain why you so diligently decided they deserve some manual labor?" Severus did not, by far, appreciate his own game played against his house, after all... 

Lupin smiled at _DEAR_ Professor Severus Snape, a hint of something altogether feral twinkling in his eyes. "But Severus," he said softly. "They were so very concerned about Harry's safety. I'm sure they would sleep better, knowing that they could personally ensure his continued wellbeing."

With that, Lupin slipped past Snape, towards that most scrumpdiddlyumptious looking pheasant roast, sitting steaming right beside that nummy looking meat pie. 

Snape narrowed his eyes and pressed his lips together into a tight, thin white line. He was not happy to hear this news. That, and the fact that the Potions professor knew that none in his house would want to expend manual labor without the use of magic on Potter...

Unfortunately, the Potions professor could not say a thing without complimenting the scarred boy. So, instead, he stormed back to his place at the table with an angry huff.

With a smile, Lupin sat down in his seat right beside the fuming Professor Snape. In addition to the pheasant roast and the meat pie, a large platter with smoked salmon and a plate piled high with crackers and a pink paste. Lupin took a cracker and applied a generous spreading of the rosy paste to it. He raised it to his mouth and popped it in, chewing slowly. 

"Ahh.. Pate always does taste so good.." he said, an expression of contentment on his face. He then proceeded to sample the excellent poached jarvey eggs and a slice of diluted (but still quite deadly if cooked wrong) lethifold hide.

Severus Snape scowled but said nothing as Lupin sat down beside him once more. **WHY** had Dumbledore chosen these seating arrangements again? The Headmaster knew that Snape didn't trust the werewolf one bit...

Lupin paused in his systematic destruction of all red-and-not-red meat in the near vicinity to look at Snape, who hadn't touched a thing. "My, my, Severus. Aren't hungry? Are you feeling a bit down today? Perhaps you should retire a bit early today..." he said, with just a HINT of a sarcastic smirk on his face. 

Snape's scowl deepened. As soon as the words left Lupin's mouth, he had begun shoveling food onto his golden plate. "I'd think you'd want me to save food for your weak body, Lupin," he proclaimed with heavy sarcasm. "You seem to have quite the healthy appetite for being..._ill_."

All of this was said loud enough to be heard by the closest Slytherin students, of course. 

Lupin blinked, a half-eaten steak hanging from his mouth, before he flipped the thing up and into the air, caught it with his teeth and swallowed. 

"Well, I have to admit that you look quite ill yourself," he said, loudly enough to be heard at the Gryffindor table. "You should have your teeth checked by Madam Pomfrey. And your hair.." Lupin paused for a moment, turning over the phrase in his head. "Has not retained the glossy shimmer it had in our school years. Your complexion is so ashen and pale, my dear friend _SNAPY_," he finished. 

So said, he turned to finish the baby-back ribs that had appeared conveniently right beside his plate. 

Chuckles rose like a gale from the Gryffindor table.

_Snapy?_

The Potions professor cringed at his childhood nickname. If a single student tried to call him by that name, they'd get an automatic detention.

Snape sneered viciously as he took a bite of some beef he helped himself to. "Comes with spending hours on that potion you so begged me for, _Moony_." He snorted derisively and took a sip of his blood colored wine. "I'm not weak in the slightest." 

Lupin flinched as Snape's words struck true, and his facade of Pleasant Vacancy slid away to reveal a feral snarl. His hands slid under the table to hide his fingernails, which were starting to sharpen and elongate in a most alarming way. Gritting his teeth, he managed to say to the dining hooknosed Professor,

"Ah, yes. The potion, Severus. The potion that you insist I take. I wonder why you're so persistent in getting me to drink it? Perhaps you fear some... _unfortunate accident_ would befall you if I didn't?" Lupin snatched a chicken leg from the table and bit into it savagely, not even noticing that his (slightly sharper than usual) canines sliced through the bone as well as the meat. The crunching sounds from the bone echoed through the now-silent Great Hall, as all the students and teachers turned to give their full attention to Snape and Lupin.

Professor Kettleburn nudged Professor Vector, giving her a quizzical look. She responded with an equally puzzled shrug, and they both turned to watch the ongoing War of the Professors. *cough*

--------------------------------

Snape gave Lupin's revealed bestial behavior a greasy, thin-lipped grin. "Allowing your true nature to slip, Remus?" Next to the werewolf, Severus had begun to look rather clean. He paid the silent Great Hall no mind, however, and continued the verbal war. "I always knew you were an untrustworthy professor." 

A deep snarl rumbled in Lupin's throat as he swallowed, unmindful of the sharp bone shards sliding down into his belly. 

"And I assume that you are completely trustworthy, Severus? You know what Alastor Moody has to say about people like you..." Lupin said this with a feral grin. 

Snape's gaze flickered to his own tattooed arm (concealed by his cloaks, of course) as Lupin made the Mad-Eye Moody comment. His features darkened and a look of utter loathing was presented to the werewolf--one normally reserved only for Harry Potter.

"That is irrelevant now. I have pledged my loyalty to this school long ago. You were simply trash picked up along a roadside for a job few were willing to take." 

Lupin's eyes darkened with a rising bloodlust, kept only in check by his own will. He returned Snape's loathful glare with a dark look of his own.

"Promises are sometimes broken, and loyalty pledged is not always kept, Professor Severus Snape," Lupin said bitingly. "Is that tattoo on your arm troubling you? I remember clearly that you wanted this job yourself. Perhaps Dumbledore didn't trust you enough to give you the job of teaching students about the Dark Arts? Afraid you'd give them a... close-up experience?" Lupin growled.

"If the Headmaster was willing to hire you for the job, Professor Remus J. Lupin," Snape began with hardly suppressed rage, "I don't see why he shouldn't trust me. There's always the chance you will bite off the heads of the more unfortunate students." 

"At least with me, the danger is clear and defined, Severus. There's always the chance that you will convert them to serve your _DARK MASTER_," Lupin retorted, hate distorting his voice. "And that would truly be a fate worse than death. Of course, some choose that path willingly. Right, Severus?" 

"You know perfectly well I serve no 'Dark Master,' Remus," Snape growled, the food upon his plate entirely forgotten amidst the war. The 'anymore,' despite not being said, could be heard loud and clear at the end of that statement. "Are you falling ill again, Lupin? Your voice is beginning to sound rather hoarse..." 

"I'm very fine, thank you, Severus." Lupin matched Snape's growl with one that shook the Hall. "You, on the other hand, look downright jaundiced. Is your _tattoo _bothering you? Perhaps you should roll up your sleeves, let it have a bit of fresh air," he said.

A dangerous flame flickered in Snape's coal black eyes. This was beyond vicious; it was downright dangerous. "I suggest you take a shave, Lupin, with all that stubble you're beginning to grow. I can't stand to have you in my presence any longer," Snape snarled, a threat lingering in his words. 

"It is I who wouldn't want to be in your presence..." Lupin snapped. His hair had grown thicker and it now had the consistency of a brush. "_**DEATH EATER!**_" Lupin finished, his right hand flashing out impossibly fast and slashing away Snape's left sleeve. The cloth fell away and a light line of blood sprang up and flowed down his arm, but far from enough to hide the faint tattoo of a snake coming out of a skull's mouth.

The Dark Mark. 

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That had done it.

As soon as his Dark Mark was revealed to all, Snape leapt back from his seat and wrenched out his wand from beneath the ebony folds of his cloak. "You've gone too far, WEREWOLF!" Severus shouted as he leveled his wand at Lupin. "_Crucio_!!!" he incanted in his rage, far beyond rational thought...

Lupin dodged desperately to the side as the curse cracked off of his chair and rebounded straight into Professor Binns. Binns, being a ghost, didn't notice a thing as the Cruciatus Curse was absorbed harmlessly by his ethereal body. Lupin growled and drew his own wand, pointing it at the Potions Master.

"_Reducto_!" he shouted, hoping to blast the good professor into tiny little unrecognizable chunks. A red, sparking bolt of power burst out of his wand and streaked for Snape's face... 

Good thing Snape ducked and rolled out of the way of the curse. The red bolt of power passed by the Potions Master harmlessly and was absorbed by the transparent 'body' of the Fat Friar. What a vicious duel this was...

"_AVADA KEDAVRA_!!!" Severus shouted in turn, hoping to finally put the Werewolf out for good... 

Lupin rolled desperately to the side as the huge invisible ripple in the air that was the Killing Curse passed above his head and impacted yet again into Professor Binns, who, naturally, being already dead, did not die. 

"Showing your true colors, Snape?" Lupin growled, raising his wand. "An eye for an eye! _AVADA KEDAVRA_!" he roared, and yet another blinding green flash filled the room. 

"LIKEWISE, Lupin!" Snape shouted, referring to the remarkable amount of fur the DADA professor happened to be growing as he leapt out of the way. The poor Fat Friar absorbed this spell, too--ghosts CAN be useful, huh?

Ah, well. Perhaps Severus should try a different approach other than Instant Kill...

"_EXPELLIARMUS_!" he incanted in an attempt to disarm Remus...

And succeeded, sending Lupin's wand flying through the air towards Snape's waiting hand. Lupin himself bounced painfully off the wall, but soon got to his feet and followed his wand on a collision course with Snape, tackling him and sending them both to the floor. 

So Snape had done the only thing he could do in his position: he lashed out and punched Lupin in the face in an attempt to throw him off. Severus was, of course, determined to get out of the werewolf's grasp--those claws are nastily sharp, after all. 

Lupin's head lurched backwards as Snape's fist slammed into his face, but quickly snarled and snapped forwards, reducing the Slytherin head's knuckles to bloody ribbons. Lupin's claws rent deep gashes in Snape's side, and the two continued kicking and punching until...

Suddenly, another, less familiar voice roared through the Hall. "THAT'LL BE ENOUGH, LADDIES!" 

The scrabbling pair of Lupin and Snape suddenly turned with a bang into a scrabbling pair of ferrets. One was an obsidian black, with greasy fur and a long nose. The other seemed... shaggier and more feral than the average ferret, with unusually sharp teeth and claws. But they didn't really do much good as Alastor Moody bounced the two up and down around the Great Hall, finally turning them back into humans and leaving them in a dazed heap on the floor. They both lunged at each other, snarling, but Moody sighed and raised his wand again.

"_Petrificus Totalus_!" he incanted, holding them in place. But amazingly, the two teachers managed to open their mouths, although they were only able to utter growls. 

"ARGGGGHHHH!!!" said Lupin calmly.

"AAARGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!" Snape replied.

".....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHH!!!" Lupin retorted.

"......GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!" said Snape.

"Aw, shut up and stop trying to outdo each other, ye pussies," Moody muttered as more Aurors flooded into the Great Hall and hauled away Moony and Snapy.

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Yes, we know we're crazy.

Chapter End


	2. Chapter 2: Arrival at Azkaban!

Title: The Convict Trio and the Wings of the Heir (2/?)

Name: Voldie For Prez

Email: hsfnww@yahoo.com

Category: Humor

Keywords: Lupin, Snape, Sirius, Merlin, Armani

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: All Four Books, FB

Summary: AU fic. Lupin and Snape get into a fight at lunch. Eventually hauled off to Azkaban, they escape (with Sirius Black in tow) and set off to clear their names. Includes a teacher named Nads, Voldie playing Quidditch, snazzy Armani suits, Merlin's sense of humor, stinkbomb potions, but only a tiny bit of snogging. We're so sorry. 

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Author's Note: We'd.. umm.. like to thank JKR, fer making the incredibly diverse world that we mold like putty and make fanfics out of. Lari would like to thank Kels for getting her started in Harry Potter RPing. BTW, we're two people, really. I'm Akane and that's Lari. *points to invisible people* Her AIM is eyeKEELyuu and mine is Scary BogMonster. Err.. that's pretty much it. XD Lari would like to say...'MWAAR! Yah, we're crazy.' Visit our equally crazy RPG at http://www.geocities.com/hsfnww/index2.html XD XD

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Arrival At Azkaban

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Lari's AN: And now for our SECOND installment of WotP: ARRIVAL AT AZKABAN. ......Yeah. Fear it. Really. XD ...We're still crazy, just so you all know. We also just realized we have to HTML-ize our files BEFORE uploading them. XD So..yeah. Yay for italics.

Akane's AN: I wasn't really expecting to continue this, and I must confess that Lari and I were extremely surprised with the... err... adoring reviews we received. Including, to our bewilderment, comments that our favorite professors weren't that OoC at all. To everybody who said that: How the hell does Vacantly Smiling Remus Lupin connect with Snarling Werewolf Remus Lupin?

Revised edition! :D 

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Being carted away by the Ministry's Aurors, Remus Lupin found that he had very little to say. But he said it anyway.

"This is all your fault, Severus." 

"_MY>_ fault?" Snape snarled at the werewolf, a few gashes here and there still bleeding. "I seem to recall that _you were the one to start it up, Remus_."

"I can't help it if your natural _greasiness_ made me. Greasier than a fat rat's bottom, you are." Lupin growled.

"......_Snapy_." 

"Well, WHO, pray tell, was the one who was friends with **_SIRIUS BLACK_**, Moony!?!?!" Severus shrieked. 

"Well, I don't rightly know. But I sure do know someone who was _LICKING **LORD VOLDEMORT'S** BOOTS, SNAPY_!!!" Lupin screamed back.

"I HAVE **_NEVER_** LICKED LORD VOLDEMORT'S BOOTS, _MOONY_!!!" Snape screamed, oblivious to the dragging away. "BUT FOR ALL WE KNOW, YOU COULD HAVE BEEN SHELTERING SIRIUS BLACK FOR YEARS UNTIL IT WAS **_TOO LATE_**!!!" 

"WELL THEN YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN LICKING HIS _ARSE_, **SNAPY**!!!" Lupin shouted, completely unaware that they were at the Ministry building already. "YOU WERE PASSING VALUABLE INFORMATION TO THE ENEMY, YOU FILTHY _**SPY**_!!! 

"SPY?!?! **_SPY_**?!?!" Snape was in hysterics. He hadn't noticed the Ministry building, either. "SPY FOR THE DARK LORD?!?! I COULD ACCUSE YOU OF THE SAME THING! I HAVEN'T BEEN UNDER VOLDEMORT'S CONTROL FOR THE PAST ELEVEN OR TWELVE YEARS!!!" You'd think their throats would be getting raw, huh? "Have your FLEAS been bothering you, _Werewolf_?! You seem a bit under the weather lately!!!!" 

"HAVE _I_ BEEN UNDER VOLDEMORT'S CONTROL?!! _WHO_ HAS THE **DARK MARK** BRANDED INTO THEIR RIGHT ARM!?!?!" Lupin wasn't known as Loopy fer nothing. "IS THAT TATTOO FEELING ANY BETTER NOW THAT IT'S **_EXPOSED_**, DEATH EATER?!?! 

"The scar's not burning, you _moron_! Lord Voldemort's been out of power for **years**!!!" Snape screeched back. "AND I'VE _NEVER_ SEEN YOUR BARE ARM! PERHAPS YOU **_DO_** HAVE THE **DARK MARK** BRANDED INTO YOUR FLESH!" 

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The Aurors abruptly dragged up Lupin's sleeve, revealing a Tattoo. The others gasped, for it was a tattoo of...

A naked woman. :D *dun dun DUN*

Snape...didn't say anything at first. He simply gave the tattoo an accusing glare, as if it were its own fault for not being a Dark Mark. After a deep breath (or five), he composed himself and opened his mouth to give the werewolf another verbal assault:

"Why, _Lupin_, I had no idea you were interested in such **_SMUT_**. I'd think you'd at least choose something of your _own_ kind. A wolf, perhaps...." 

Lupin gave Snape a disdainful glare. "It's not _smut_, you moronic fool. It's ART," he said bitingly, as if he didn't know that all the words in the world couldn't change the fact that there was a naked woman dancing around on his right arm. Hee. 

"Art?" snorted Snape disbelievingly. "And when you had that branded into your arm, all you were thinking about was its..._artistic_ qualities?" 

"As a matter of fact, YES, _Snapy_." Lupin snarled. "Although I don't expect your _perverted mi-_"

Lupin's voice was abruptly cut off by the loud banging sound of a gavel. He looked around and noticed that he and Snape were in a large room full of witches and wizards. Most prominently was a man in his late fifties, with gray hair and icy blue eyes. His name was Bartemius Crouch, Sr. He stood up and addressed them in a glacial voice.

"Professors Remus J. Lupin and Severus Snape, you are accused of destruction of school property, attempted murder, use of the Unforgivable Curses, and terrorism. Suggested punishment is 3 consecutive life sentences in Azkaban. How do you plead?" said he.

Lupin immediately replied, "Not guilty. Snape is a death eater, I was merely attempting to bring him down before he could wreak further havoc on the impressible minds of the Hogwarts students, your honor."

Cough. Cough. Nudge. Wink. :D 

"WHAT?!" Snape exploded in rage, eyes lighting up in hatred. "Not guilty!" Snape scowled. "_Not guilty, indeed..._" he muttered softly with a vicious sneer before looking up to Bartemius Crouch for his own pleading.

"Not guilty. _I_ was merely defending myself and the Hogwarts students against the obvious threats of a werewolf. Headmaster Albus Dumbledore has cleared my name as a Death Eater long ago." 

"I seem to recall you casting the Killing Curse first in front of children, Severus," Lupin said icily. 

Murmurs rose from the benches. 

"Ah, but instead of immediately trying to disarm _me_, he had thrown the Killing Curse right back," Snape was quick to say, albeit there's still the fact that he had, indeed, cast it first. If he had to go to Azkaban, he was taking the werewolf with him. "_I_ was the one who ended up disarming Lupin. Unfortunately, I could not restrain him before he tackled me to the ground." Snape gave Lupin a flash of a greasy smile before continuing. "He was just as much of a danger to the students...perhaps even moreso, with his transforming body and lack of rational mind...as I." 

Crouch stood for a moment. Then he turned to a group of about twenty wizards and witches, who had been talking throughout Lupin and Snape's testimonies. He nodded once, and their ranks parted to let out an extremely old wizard, who cleared his throat once, and began speaking.

"We, the jury, declare Severus Snape... guilty of the accused crimes."

Lupin looked remarkably like the cat that had not only eaten the canary, but also found his water bowl filled with goldfish. 

"...and we declare Remus Lupin guilty as well," the old codger finished.

Lupin's smug look disappeared as if it had been erased by Voldemort himself, and he gave no resistance as the security Aurors came forward to put handcuffs on him and Snape, leading them to the island prison of Alcatr- err... Azkaban. 

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_"We, the jury, declare Severus Snape... guilty of the accused crimes....and we declare Remus Lupin guilty as well."_

At least Snape won a small victory over Lupin; he wouldn't go down alone. He allowed himself a small, triumphant smirk as the Aurors cuffed him and dragged him away alongside the werewolf.

On the other hand, this story was SURE to reach the tabloids. 'HOGWARTS PROFESSORS SENT TO AZKABAN!' 'DEATH EATER Vs WEREWOLF...HOGWARTS PROFESSORS?!'

That sure would tarnish the reputation Dumbledore had set for the school.

"Well, what a fine mess you've gotten us into, Lupin," Snape muttered dejectedly as he realized he wouldn't be allowed to keep the few good memories he had, among other unfortunate drawbacks.

May as well kiss the memory of the day James Potter died good-bye. XD 

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The Aurors shoved Lupin and Snape into separate cells, with one inmate between them. Lupin quickly settled into his surroundings, trying not to mind the dementor standing right beside his cell. Especially when it was making that annoying sound...

"Would you stop trying to imitate that fool from the Muggle movies?" Lupin snapped.

The 'Kuuuuuuh-puuuuuuu' noise that had been bothering him abruptly stopped. The dementor left with a sucking sound that was suspiciously similar to 'Hmph' and was soon replaced by another one, although this one seemed to have the same habits...

Five Darth Vader impersonators later, Lupin was finally guarded by a dementor which got right down to sucking away his good feelings. Soon he was left with only bad memories like...

"Oh Padfoot, why did you betray James?" he moaned softly.

He was about to bemoan past disasters even more when a husky voice from the cell beside him spoke.

".....Moony?" 

--------------------------------

Snape scrabbled up to a sitting position as an Auror slammed his cell door shut. Those dementors guarding the door...they COULD be held off with a Patronus charm. Too bad there's a never-ending stream of the damn creatures, not to mention that _HE WAS NO LONGER IN POSSESSION OF HIS WAND._

So, after a few minutes of shouting at the dementor to shut that irritating noise up, all of Severus's good memories (however few they may be) were sucked dry. This only brought him to think of his old school days with the renowned Marauders...

"_Curse_ you, Black!" Snape sneered to his cell for lack of any other company. And then, as if right on cue, a voice rose up from next door. A voice he had hoped never to hear ever again. A voice that made the former Death Eater's blood run cold.

"....._Moony_?"

Of all the rotten luck... 

--------------------------------

Lupin froze, completely ignoring the curse that drifted from Snape's cell. he scrabbled to the bars, ignoring the dementors and trying to get a look into the cell beside his. He gasped as he caught sight of a disheveled, unshaved man, his hair unwashed and greasy, his face smeared with grime and dust, but unmistakably his friend of 11 years past, Sirius Black. 

Lupin sat back, completely lost for words. Dozens of questions spun around his mind, until finally, he settled on the one that pressed him most.

"Padfoot," he began, hardly able to speak. "Why? Why did you do it?"

He was surprised to hear a short, barking laugh from Sirius. "I thought it would save their lives. I was wrong, I guess." A part of Lupin noticed that Black's voice sounded bitter and angry, far from the voice of a convicted and unrepenting murderer. But that part was drowned out by an overpowering rage.

"YOU THOUGHT THAT BETRAYING JAMES TO VOLDEMORT WOULD _SAVE_ THEIR LIVES?!" he roared. "You _are_ a madman!" 

Black blinked, obviously taken aback by Lupin's sudden anger. "...Voldemort? What are you talking about?"

"You were the Potters' secret keeper. You should have kept their secret with your life! But instead you betrayed them... to the Dark Lord." Lupin growled, his voice tinted with disgust.

"But I wasn't the Potters' secret keeper, Moony," Sirius said. "I switched. At the last moment."

Now it was Lupin's turn to blink. His mind processed Black's words for a moment, then he gasped. "Then you mean..?"

Sirius nodded. Apparently he and Moony could communicate telepathically. "Yes."

"Then..."

They both stood in unison, their eyes burning with righteous (?) bloodlust. 

"PETER PETTIGREW DIES!!!"

After a good while of secret plotting, Lupin went to sleep on his pallet of straw, his newfound thirst for revenge staving off the dementor's power.

On the other hand, Sirius Black snapped his fingers, remembering something that he had forgotten in the excitement of meeting his old friend. He walked over to the cell to his right.

"You were _saying, Snapy?_" 

--------------------------------

Snape sat miserably in the center of his nearly bare cell. He wasn't supposed to be _here_. He was _supposed_ to be back at Hogwarts, teaching another wretched lesson of Potions class.

Severus sneered as Sirius Black and Remus Lupin had their joyful little reunion with their talk of revenge against one Peter Pettigrew. Black? Innocent? Bah. Not as far as Snape could help that.

With a scowl, the 'former' Potions Master spoke up to his ... inmates? XD as Sirius addressed him, to his dismay. "I'd _hate_ to break it to you, but I daresay that Peter Pettigrew died by your hand years ago," he pointed out dryly to the 'old friend' from his Hogwarts days...

Black turned to face Snape, or at least get a good look at him. His appraising glare noted the Potions professor's greasy hair, yellowing teeth, and sallow skin. "The years haven't been kind to you, Snapy." He gave another short, bitter laugh. "But then again, they haven't been kind to me, either."

Sirius squatted at the bars of his cell, watched (?) closely by his dementor guards. He toyed with the gravel and pebbles at the base of the iron pillars, speaking casually. 

"I assume you know how the Potters were hidden from Voldemort using the Fidelius Charm? How I was their secret-keeper? I have something to tell you," he said grimly. "I switched at the last minute with Peter. I'm sure you remember him, the watery-eyed, pointy-faced guy who was one of me and James' best friends... or so we thought." Black spat at a dementor's robe, disgust contorting his motley features.

"He betrayed James and Lily to Voldemort, and then came after me, knowing that I had told no-one of the secret switch. He blew up the road behind him with a wand hidden in his sleeve and escaped." Sirius smacked the wall with his fist angrily. Regret clouded his eyes, and he blink rapidly for a moment before he continued, "I should have told Moony over there. It would have saved their lives, you know. I thought he was the spy. Werewolves are dark creatures after all..."

A small, small portion of Sirius Black wondered why the hell he was pouring out 12 years of pent-up frustration to one of his worst enemies, and a former death eater to boot. 

"...So through my mistakes, James and Lily Potter died. I'm guilty of murder, yes, but not in the way that most people think of me as. But I will escape, and I will clear my name, no matter what the cost," he said, a sudden burning light replacing the regret in his eyes. "Avenging Lily and James... making the world just that much safer for young Harry..." A sudden wistful expression crossed his face. 

"It will be 10 years worth of birthday presents for him."

((Ja, ja. Extreme OoCness. I dun care. *mwaars*)) 

Snape, disinterested, waves his hand dismissively. "You will not sway me with your lies, Black," he hissed, voice oozing with venomous hate. "The evidence was entirely against you, if I remember correctly." The former Professor snorted and shot his archenemy a nasty glare. Of COURSE the man didn't believe Sirius for a second--not that he would truly relent even if blatant proof were given. "How _would_ Pettigrew escape, anyway? There was nothing but a finger left over after you were through with him." 

Sirius thought it over, and decided against telling Snape about the trio of Animagi (and one werewolf) who had once marauded *cough* on Hogwarts grounds. 

"I... can't tell you." 

"Of course you can't," Snape spat out. "Having a difficult time devising the rest of your extravagant tale, are you? You should have known you couldn't fool me." 

Black sighed and considered telling Severus everything. He certainly deserved it after the shock that Moony had given him, so long ago at the Shrieking Shack. He thought better of it and heaved a heavy sigh once more. "You'll find out later, Snape. Good night." With that, he rolled over and instantly plunged into the first dreamless sleep he had experienced in over eleven years.

A beetle attached to the wall in his cell briefly fluttered its wings before buzzing away, across the sea.

--------------------------------

P.S. Author's Notes? 

Akane would like to note that Alastor Moody is a twitchy little bastard who can see through people's clothes. That's why she loves him. XD Akane would also like to apologize for the lack of humor in the last bit of the chapter. She promises much ferrets and goblins and dreadful transfigurations in the next chapter. :D BTW, Lupin and Snuffles can't really telepath. They just know each other so well (even after having not met for 11 years) that they can practically finish each other's sentences.

Lari would like to note that Akane is speaking like a house elf. :P

Chapter End


	3. Chapter 3: Food Fight of the Century

Title: The Convict Trio and the Wings of the Heir (3/?)

Name: Voldie For Prez

Email: hsfnww@yahoo.com

Category: Humor

Keywords: Lupin, Snape, Sirius, Merlin, Armani

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: All Four Books, FB

Summary: AU fic. Lupin and Snape get into a fight at lunch. Eventually hauled off to Azkaban, they escape (with Sirius Black in tow) and set off to clear their names. Includes a teacher named Nads, Voldie playing Quidditch, snazzy Armani suits, Merlin's sense of humor, stinkbomb potions, but only a tiny bit of snogging. We're so sorry. 

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Author's Note: We'd.. umm.. like to thank JKR, fer making the incredibly diverse world that we mold like putty and make fanfics out of. Lari would like to thank Kels for getting her started in Harry Potter RPing. BTW, we're two people, really. I'm Akane and that's Lari. *points to invisible people* Her AIM is eyeKEELyuu and mine is Scary BogMonster. Err.. that's pretty much it. XD Lari would like to say...'MWAAR! Yah, we're crazy.' Visit our equally crazy RPG at http://www.geocities.com/hsfnww/index2.html XD XD

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Food Fight of the Century

--------------------------------

Lari's AN: AN: MWAAR. So speaketh I.

...

Yes, I truly have that little to say. Ah, well.

Anywho, it has come to my attention that someone has asked for a food fight. Well, here it is....... >D

Akane's AN: We cranked out this chapter during a period where I was so incredibly bored that I whined incessantly to Lari. We're both of the opinion that Lupin and Snape aren't really acting in character at all. XD XD And.. This chapter is rated R, because of Maria and John Lestrange's potty mouths. :D

Disclaimer: NO DEMENTORS WERE TRULY HARMED DURING THE PRODUCTION OF THIS FANFIC. Thank you.

--------------------------------

Remus Lupin groaned as the pale, warmthless rays of the midday sun shone through the barred windows, falling across his eyes. He hadn't had a very good night's sleep, what with the dementors right outside his cell. He moaned softly again, a wave of depression washing over him. He rubbed his chin and noted the faint stubble growing on it. _I'll have to shave,_ he thought absentmindedly, before he noticed a large roach crawling across his blanket. 

He abruptly sat bolt upright, sending the roach flying across his cell, hitting the wall with a slight smack and scuttling across to Snape's cell. Lupin hoped fervently that it would crawl at least once across the greasy-haired man's face. 

The dementor who stood guard at his cell door reminded him where he was: the island prison, Azkaban. It made no noise; it faced him silently, unnaturally dark shadows hiding its face from the rest of the world. It hissed at him once, before gliding away. Lupin felt a brief burst of hope as the dark creature receded, positive emotions flooding back into his mind. But then another dementor rounded the corner, and the good feelings slid from his grasp, as intangible and incorporeal as the sunbeams flooding his room. Unfortunately....

_Kuuuuuuuuh.... Puuuuu.... Kuuuuuuuh... Puuuu...._

"BY GOD!!!" Lupin shouted, springing off his cot and running to the cell door, where he just managed to reach through the bars and give the dementor a solid smack on what passed for its cheek. "STOP WITH THE FUCKING DARTH VADER IMPRESSIONS, AYE?!?!"

The dementor who he'd knocked to the ground stared up at him, one rotted hand to the cheek where Lupin had hit it. Slowly, it rose to its feet, its shoulders shaking. Lupin gulped nervously, he'd never seen a dementor show any emotion, much less rage. He tensed as it stood to its full eight-foot height, seeming to glare at him.

Then it abruptly turned away and stumbled down the corridor, emitting a strangled sound that sounded suspiciously like a sob. Brackish, dirty liquid dripped from its hood and hissed on contact with the floor, the sound continuing long after the dementor itself had fled.

Lupin stood, dumbfounded, looking like an idiot as another dementor, evidently of sterner stock than the last one, glided silently to his cell and unlocked it, grabbing his arm and dragging him out into the hallway. A horrible cold feeling cascaded through his arm, leaving him thinking of the time he had walked through the Bloody Baron at Hogwarts. 

He could see Sirius and Snape being manhandled out of their cells as well; apparently it was breakfast time. They were led down the corridor to the huge Azkaban cafeteria, made to easily seat over five hundred inmates. The tables were already spread with a huge array of food. Certainly nothing compared to the Hogwarts feasts, but certainly better than he expected the meals to be. _Then again_, he gloomily reflected, _the inmates are probably too gloomy to enjoy their meals._ And he was right. It had been another fiendish plan devised by the cruel warden of Azkaban, Gred Forge((COUGH)), trying to make the inmates even more miserable than they normally would be.

He had barely sat and started to eat when he was heard a strangely familiar voice behind him.

"Well if it isn't Severus Snape, finally come to join our little family here at Azkaban!" The voice belonged to a woman who had once been pretty. As it was, her slightly bloodshot eyes and the white streaks in her once raven-black hair served only to make her look fairly deranged. Which, of course, she was. Being Maria Lestrange can do that to a person. She was currently advancing towards Snape, her hand held out in greeting.

Lupin hastily covered his face with a meringue platter, pretending to stuff his face in the bowl in an effort to get the last scraps. For where Maria Lestrange was...

Sneaking up behind Snape was John Lestrange, Maria's husband. In his hands he held a pair of cream carrot cakes, and the grin on his face was simply evil. As Maria attempted to engage the slimy Potions professor in conversation, John padded silently behind him and slowly raised the creamy confections. Lupin couldn't watch with a clear conscience; in a place like Azkaban, humiliation could drive a man mad. 

So it happened that Lupin shouted, "_SEVERUS! Behind you!_" Just as John Lestrange hurled the cakes.

--------------------------------

It had been a sleepless night for one Severus Snape. The ashen, pale, haunted figure sat upon his cot, staring blankly at the dusty floors of his cell. The former Potions Master vaguely noted in some far-off corner of his mind that a cockroach had just scuttled across his foot. Not that petty things such as that mattered anymore.

A full 8+ hours of nothing but reliving past nightmares does that to a person, after all.

Snape hadn't looked up until he heard the unmistakable clanking sound of a door latch. He watched with dull black eyes as his cell door creaked open, revealing...the Darth Vader-imitating dementors.

"Will you _stop_ that _**insufferable sound**_?!" the greasy-haired git hissed, a bit of his old self seeping back into his demeanor. "How long does it take for our words to penetrate your immensely thick hoods and comprehend in your shallow minds?!" The dementor made an offended 'hmph' sound and promptly shoved Severus out the door.

The dementor's touch had left the man with an immensely cold, depressed feeling...which, of course, hadn't left him, since another one of those awful creatures had been waiting just outside the cell in preparation to drag him off. It wasn't but a few minutes that he found himself forced into a seat in the mess hall, a platter of...something...placed in front of him.

Snape merely stared at his food in silence. He was _not_ in the mood to eat right now...would he ever be able to in the near future? That was a point to ponder.

After all, who knew if Azkaban's food was poisoned or not?

"Well if it isn't Severus Snape, finally come to join our little family here at Azkaban!" a woman's voice cried out. An ominously _familiar_ woman's voice.

The Potions Master slowly looked up from his food to meet the face of Maria Lestrange. She looked absolutely _deranged_, what with that nasty glitter in her eyes and those streaks in her hair--and was she offering a _hand_ to him? Snape made no move to accept the greeting, and merely stared at the woman before him.

"It's been a LONG time, Severus! How has life been in the Wizarding World, _old friend_?" she asked cheerfully, an odd glint in her bloodshot eyes. The black-haired man gave Maria a wary look as he opened his mouth to respond--

"_SEVERUS! Behind you!_"

Half out of instinct, Snape ducked at the warning. The cakes sailed right over his head...

And into the face of Maria Lestrange. 

--------------------------------

Lupin had to stifle a burst of laughter as everybody in the room turned to look at the rare, rare sight of Maria Lestrange standing completely still, her face hidden by two cream cakes, which were slowly dripping icing and little jelly candies ((brr... hated those)) into her bodice. She slowly started to shake, although this time, Lupin was quite sure that she, unlike the rather fragile dementor of just a few moments before, was trembling with rage. Her hands slowly reached up and wiped off the frosting, leaving her looking like a clown, not a woman with a cake for a face. 

Suddenly, she snapped. 

"You incompetent **_BASTARD_**!" she shrieked, showing that indeed, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. "How DARE you miss?!?!" As if it was John's fault that Severus had ducked. Inmates who had seen the whole thing started backing away; evidently they were smart enough to get away from the blast area.

John Lestrange let his wife's words wash over him like a wave, his face slowly going from flushed with excitement to horror to anger. "Is it _MY_ fault that Snape ducked?!" he exclaimed, raising his hands in frustration. "It's just like you to fly off the handle like that, you _BITCH_!"

But Maria was too busy kneeling, scooping the remnants of the two cream cakes off the floor. Mashing them together like a kind of snowball, she hurled it with all her might, sending it right into the center of John's chest, where it splattered messily, showering his entire upper body with cream and cake. "Take THAT, JOHN!" she crowed, apparently forgetting Snape, who was caught in the middle.

John's face darkened even more, if that was possible. "Why you... **_WHORE_**!!" he shouted, grabbing a huge punch bowl with both hands and heaving it at Maria. It shattered on a ceiling fixture and showered the inmates with (most likely spiked) punch. A roar began building as the inmates began a food fight, and the dementors, too, flooded into the cafeteria, their long rotted hands outstretched.

It was Remus Lupin who leapt forward with a dozen boiled eggs grasped in the crook of his arm. Running up to the cheerless entities, he stuffed the eggs into their gaping mouths (which, not being able to close OR open OR chew, were stuck like that until the eggs were removed the next day) and promptly grabbed a beef casserole, throwing it at Maria Lestrange from behind John Lestrange's back. The inmates cheered loudly and continued the food fight as the dementors staggered around. It appeared that their breathing was the main component in their Absolute Terror Field ((sorry, I just couldn't help myself)).

She wheeled on her husband, bits of meat stuck in her hair; apparently she hadn't spotted Lupin. "You called me a WHORE?!?" she howled, her already bloodshot eyes seeming to bulge. "WHO was the one who _came in every night drunk and smelling of women's **perfume**_"?!?!" It was obvious that her words had struck home, as John's face became so purple as to be almost black.

"You _fucking **slut**_," he growled, sounding much more crazed even than his wife. He grabbed a huge cake from the center table where it had been set, celebrating an inmate's birthday (another plan from the good Gred Forge). Grunting with strain, he lifted it with a Herculean effort and promptly overturned the whole thing onto his wife. Her horrified scream was drowned out by the veritable avalanche of icing and sliced fruits that buried her. John Lestrange looked around, his eyes completely bloodshot, before grabbing a pair of eggplants and wielding them like clubs. He waded, roaring, into the huge dogpile that was starting to form at the center of the room.

Meanwhile, Lupin was sniping; a pile of hard plums and crab apples lay at his side. From time to time, he would snap a fruit into a yelling inmate's mouth with a flick of his wrist. A distinctly amused expression was on his face.

A man wandered past Snape, a large watermelon with holes for his mouth and eyes stuck over his head. He bumped into a wall, and then a pair of inmates who looked less like they were fighting and more like they were making out. They promptly stopped their wild tussling, grabbed the poor man and poured steaming gravy into a hole they punched in the top of the watermelon. Gravy dripped from the bottom as the man writhed in pain, his anguished screams muffled by the melon.

There was laughter and hatred and glee and serious bodily harm in the cafeteria. People who were watching the fortress that day would have noticed that a few minutes into the fight, a large amount of sauteed ferrets were tipped out of one of the Azkaban windows. They were quickly followed by copious kegs of gruel, which shattered on the rocks below to a loud cheer from the inmates. After all, only breakfast was exquisite. Lunch and dinner were (predictably, from what exited the windows that day) sauteed ferrets with gruel.

Apparently the Food Fight was getting a bit out of control. Shall we see what Severus Snape was doing during this? 

--------------------------------

What had Severus been doing as this war broke out?

Actually........**_nothing_**.

The Potions Master was wise enough to stay close to the ground and slowly back away from the fight ensuing between the two Lestranges. In fact, even as the food fight broke out and the dementors flooded in to control the chaos, he had simply observed the ludicrous ongoings.

Until he eyed the exits---free of dementors.

With a greasy smirk, Snape took one last glance around before he nonchalantly made his way toward the doorway. Amidst a food fight, he'd be awfully surprised if _anyone_ noticed him.............. 

But unfortunately, Snape's greasy hair caught the sunbeams and flashed painfully into the eyes of one Sirius Black. The latter growled as he saw the source of the light that stabbed his sensitive eyes, and a rather evil glint flooded his peepers as he snuck up behind the Potions Master and grabbed him, heaving him bodily into the air...

And into a large soup tureen. Garlic soup. Not piping hot, fortunately. :D 

Severus silently trembled with anger in the soup tureen. With barely suppressed rage, the Potions Master calmly pulled himself out of the soup, sopping wet and enveloped in the strong stench of garlic. His black hair did well to shield his facial expression from Sirius as he stalked over to the nearby table of foods.

With deadly accuracy and astonishing speed, Snape picked up a full bowl of gruel, strode over to his archenemy, and dumped the disgusting slop upon his head.

Severus had joined the fight. :D 

Sirius growled like the huge black dog he was at times, slowly lifting the bowl up and off his head. With an angry snarl, he snatched a pair of baked apples and squashed them messily on each side of Snape's head, leaving him looking like he had apples sprouting from his ears. 

"Dammit, Snape," he said. "I thought you were a vampire. Guess you don't have an excuse for yer sallow skin, greasy hair and bad teeth now, do you?"

Then he snatched two chicken legs and began attempting to shove them up Snape's overly large nostrils. 

With a scowl, Snape tore the apples off the sides of his head and promptly smashed the remains into Sirius's eyes. He pulled away from the chicken legs with a snarl.

"So _sorry_ to disappoint you, Black, but unlike your _**werewolf**_ friend, I am not a dark creature."

With that, Severus picked up a hot apple pie and chucked it at Sirius's face, hitting him square in the face. 

Sirius collapsed, squirming as the hot gooey appleness oozed down his collar. He wasn't going to be getting up anytime soon. Black barely managed to crawl under a table, unnoticed by the rampaging prisoners.

In the center of the room, the giant cake that held Maria Lestrange trembled.

Lupin rushed to his friend's aid, pelting two crab apples and a peach pit at the back of Snape's head. Then he grabbed a handful of ice cubes and stuffed them down the greasy git's robes, and one into his briefs for good measure.

Suddenly, the cake in the middle of the brawling room of inmates burst, sending bits of the nummy confection flying everywhere. Rising from the center like a phoenix from its ashes was Maria Lestrange. Her eyes were a deep red as she stepped out slowly, and Lupin could have sworn that the stone floor hissed and smoked with each step. 

"_Johnathan Matthias Lestrange..._" she growled, walking slowly towards said wizard, who, completely and blissfully unaware, was still fighting with a trio of burly men. "**_DIE!!!!_**" she shrieked, grabbing the back of the man's robes and lifting him bodily; apparently the adrenaline flowing through her system allowed her to exert far more strength than was normally possible.

With a huge grunt of effort, she chucked him out the window.

A roar of approval drowned out the last despairing scream of John Lestrange as the inmates began grabbing their most hated enemies and throwing them out the windows. More than a few dementors met their watery end as well, unable to do anything due to the boiled eggs still stuck in their mouths.

And it was a full-fledged riot at Azkaban. :D

--------------------------------

Snape barely had time to 'hmph' with triumph before Lupin attacked him with more food. With a barely suppressed cry, the sallow-skinned man struggled with the ice cubes in his robes, trying so VERY hard not to make a fool of himself in front of a mess hall full of fellow former Death Eaters and other various convicts.

After a very, VERY long 60 seconds, all of the ice cubes were successfully expended from his robes and briefs. With a snarl of anger, Severus pelted Lupin with a few half-melted blocks of ice for good measure (like hell he isn't getting the last word).

The riot was suddenly brought to his attention as a rather bulky man just tossed a scrawny, pale figure out a nearby window. The rising danger rate set off warning bells in Snape's head---it was time to go.

And so, the Potions Master headed towards the exits once more, making sure to keep an eye out for Lupin and Black. 

Lupin caught a glimpse of Severus beating a hasty retreat out of the corner of his eye, and quickly helped Sirius to his feet. Black rose awkwardly, still wiping bits of pie out of his stinging eyes. He and Lupin exchanged a glance and quickly ran in the opposite direction, past egg-sucking (always wanted to use that term) dementors and finally burst through a pair of barred wooden doors into...

Gred Forge's office. Fortunately, the warden himself was not present, but mounted above his fireplace was a plaque with...

_The Wand of Sirius Black_, the marble plaque proudly proclaimed. Sirius ignored it and snatched his wand from the pegs that supported it, giving it a few practice flicks and nodding as a few red and gold sparks shot from the tip.

Two other wands were lying on the warden's desk, and Lupin recognized one of them to be his own. He quickly snatched it and held it in his right hand, ready to cast a quick Patronus if need be. Remus gave the other wand a glance. It was most probably Snape's. After a moment's hesitation, he grabbed it as well and followed Sirius, who was already halfway down the corridor. 

Finally, they caught up with Snape. Lupin tossed the former Death Eater his wand, hoping he wasn't making the wrong choice. 

Snape froze as he heard the telltale pounding of footsteps catching up to him. Won't those Marauders just leave him in peace?! The Potions Master whirled around, preparing for a fistfight...

And was met with Lupin tossing him his forgotten wand. Bewildered, Severus caught the slim stick of wood and cocked a greasy ebony eyebrow at one of his hated enemies. He gave the pair a questioning look as he slipped the wand into his garlic-doused robes. Snape made a mental note to snatch a pair of clean robes later---it won't do to smell strongly of garlic whilst trying to hide from civilization. Like it or not, he was a convict now, after all.

Snape hurried after the pair of Marauders as they strode past him down the torch-lined, dank hallway towards the heavy iron front doors. Soon enough, the doors had been painstakingly pulled open and the three were out in the frigid morning air of the North Sea.

They were free again. But would this turn out to be such a good thing after all?

Remus Lupin smiled cheerfully to his two companions as he pulled out his wand and held it up, preparing to concentrate on his upcoming Apparation.

"_To the Forbidden Forest!_"

--------------------------------

A lone beetle fluttered its wings briefly before its departure out the shattered windows of Azkaban for the second time in a matter of 24 hours... 

--------------------------------

Yes, Snape is a briefs man. :D

Chapter End


	4. Chapter 4: Meanwhile...

Title: The Convict Trio and the Wings of the Heir (4/?)

Name: Voldie For Prez

Email: hsfnww@yahoo.com

Category: Humor

Keywords: Lupin, Snape, Sirius, Merlin, Armani

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: All Four Books, FB

Summary: AU fic. Lupin and Snape get into a fight at lunch. Eventually hauled off to Azkaban, they escape (with Sirius Black in tow) and set off to clear their names. Includes a teacher named Nads, Voldie playing Quidditch, snazzy Armani suits, Merlin's sense of humor, stinkbomb potions, but only a tiny bit of snogging. We're so sorry. 

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. Sonores and Nads are ours.

Author's Note: We'd.. umm.. like to thank JKR, fer making the incredibly diverse world that we mold like putty and make fanfics out of. Lari would like to thank Kels for getting her started in Harry Potter RPing. BTW, we're two people, really. I'm Akane and that's Lari. *points to invisible people* Her AIM is eyeKEELyuu and mine is Scary BogMonster. Err.. that's pretty much it. XD Lari would like to say...'MWAAR! Yah, we're crazy.' Visit our equally crazy RPG at http://www.geocities.com/hsfnww/index2.html XD XD

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Meanwhile... (At Hoggy Warts)

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Lari's AN: XD Well. This was...a...fun chapter. Let's just say we were both rather hyper when we made up our two new lovable professors.

Akane's AN: We were bouncing ideas off of each other when we came up with this. :D 

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It was yet another bustling day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The sun shone down on the castle and birdsong flooded the sky. The burly figure of Rubeus Hagrid could be seen, taking huge steps across the grounds to the lake, where he liberally sprinkled what looked like fish food. Upon closer examination (Zoom: 200%) it could be seen that he was actually tossing in dismembered shark heads. A small whirlpool formed, sucking in the poor ickle shark heads and consuming them. Indeed, it appeared that the Hogwarts giant squid was actually a Sucking Squid. ((Princess Bride in joke XD))

Inside the school, students were walking down the corridors, living their daily lives. Snogging season was in session at the Astronomy Tower; Percy Weasley and Penelope Clearwater were flushed out of the second story window by Peeves the Poltergeist. Fortunately, the Cushioning Charm set below the Tower took effect and the pair was unharmed, although their dignity took a serious blow.

Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore was writing a letter to his beloved brother Aberforth, although he wasn't sure that the man would be able to read it. He soon finished writing and casually transfigured one of his bunny slippers into a screech owl, which grasped his parchment in its claws and set out through his study's wall with a hoot. Apparently a window had been cunningly concealed in Dumbledore's office.

On the Quidditch pitch, Gryffindor Quidditch Captain and Keeper Oliver Wood stood, clutching his broom in one hand and waving the other extravagantly at Katie Bell, Alicia Spinnet and Angelina Johnson. Apparently he wasn't satisfied with their performance and was demanding that they practice more together. The looks on the three girls' faces indicated that they thought otherwise.

Professor Flitwick went flying out of the window of his classroom, a resigned look on his face as he quickly incanted a Cushioning Charm of his own, bouncing off the ground as one might off a mattress. He stomped back into the castle, where a hapless student was doubtlessly awaiting detention.

Outside the Transfigurations classroom, the Bloody Baron had just passed through the body of the Gray Lady, and he had a very lecherous grin on his normally grim face as he turned the corner, quickly beating a retreat. The Lady, on the other hand, looked extremely outraged.

Passing her in the hallway on the way to Care of Magical Creatures, Cedric Diggory discretely slipped a small box of chocolates into Cho Chang's bag. She blushed and gave the youth a light kiss on his cheek before smiling at the starstruck boy and running off to catch up with her friends. Cedric's cheeks promptly threatened to imitate tomatoes, and he stood still in the hallway for several minutes before he abruptly regained his wits and ran the rest of the way to CoMC. He was still late, and five points were taken from Hufflepuff by Professor Kettleburn.

In the kitchens, Fuddy and Faddy, the twin house elves, groaned and wrung their tea cozies in despair as their twelve-layer cake collapsed in on itself with a muffled thump, their baseball-sized eyes filling with tears as they made haste to concoct another confection for the feast at dinner that day. They wondered idly why their culinary masterpiece had emitted multicolored sparks before it went into the oven.

Draco Malfoy was sauntering arrogantly down to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, flanked by his sniggering cronies Crabbe and Goyle. On the way, he met Harry Potter and his friends Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley, and the two groups had a brief encounter before they entered the classroom and joined in the excited gossip.

Fred and George Weasley, troublemakers extraordinaire, bounded cackling down a set of steps and opened a secret door, ending up just outside the Potions dungeon. They opened the door and swaggered in, looking as if they had just single-handedly vanquished the Dark Lord himself. When questioned about their joyous expressions, they eagerly recounted how they had stuffed small Filibuster Fireworks into the various cakes that were baking down in the kitchens. Soon, they too were joining in the exciting chatting, for they too were curious about who would replace Remus Lupin, their beloved Defense Against the Dark Arts professor; and Severus Snape, their not-so-liked Potions Master. Their questions were abruptly answered as the door to the classroom abruptly swung open and a black haired man with dancing eyes and smart robes strode jauntily into the dungeon.

He bowed low and then popped up as if he had a spring installed in his back, and his cheery grin seemed to light up the entire classroom. He cleared his throat noisily and started to introduce himself.

"Salutations, Gryffindor and Slytherin Third Years!" he said warmly. "I'm Professor Knum Nad, and I'll be your Potions Teacher for the next four years or so!" Nad exclaimed brightly. Noticing the snickers coming from half the class, he adopted an innocent expression, although the mischievous light shining in his eyes made it obvious that he knew what they were going to say.

Fred raised his hand and opened his mouth to speak, but before he could Professor Nad grinned widely and waved his own hand. "And yes, you can call me Nads. I know you would even if I told you not to," he said casually, then let out a hearty laugh. The class burst out laughing as well at this, and Fred, George and Lee Jordan looked at Nad with an expression that could be compared to those who had seen the face of God. Suddenly, they bolted upright and saluted fiercely, their grins so wide that they stretched practically from ear to ear.

"YES SIR PROFESSOR NUMB NADS SIR!" they shouted, whereupon the whole class, even the Slytherins, stood up and repeated the oath. 

But perhaps we'll leave this scene for another teller and move on to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, where the situation wasn't nearly as pleasant.

--------------------------------

Professor Knum Nad laughed pleasantly at his class's antics. "I see the class clowns have presented themselves already. I loved to conjure up tricks during my school days, myself," he grinned joviantly as his first class of the day reclaimed their seats once more. "...but, no time for questions about _that_ right now, I'm afraid!" The Weasley Twins and Lee Jordan lowered their arms, looking somewhat dejected.

Before speaking any further on what, exactly, they were going to do today, he turned to the blackboard behind him and proceeded to write a message for the day's students:

"WELCOME TO POTIONS! MY NAME IS PROFESSOR XD >D"

At the students' puzzled looks to the spelling of his name, Professor >D simply chuckled good-naturedly. "My parents were foreign. Probably thought it was a bloody good joke to play on me (the class chuckled at this). Don't mind the odd spelling."

The professor took his seat at Severus Snape's old desk at took a look around at his students. "Now then, I am sure you wish to know a little bit about me before we get started. No doubt I am _very_ different from my predecessor (Fred and George whispered amongst themselves, 'I sure hope he's better than that greasy git.'). So to get things done and over with..." Nads smiled cheerfully and rattled off a quick assessment of his personality. "Yes, 'Knum Nad' truly is my real name. Yes, I am fully capable of teaching Potions class. No, I do not assign reports, so no need for those piles and piles of blank parchment (the class cheered). Notes will rarely be forced upon you in this class; I prefer to hand out copies of the recipes (even more cheers). My favorite food is spaghetti and meatBALLS (Fred and George snickered at this mention). And... this classroom seems a bit on the droll and dull side, doesn't it?" the professor ended his speech with a question, cultivating murmurs of agreement, especially from the Gryffindors. He brandished his wand with a smile. "Let's liven it up!"

With a flick, the black, dank, dark dungeon transformed into a haven of neon lights. Think mini Las Vegas in a classroom. "Mmm...Too bright, I suppose." He flicked his wand again, toning the atmosphere down from the blinding lights to...disco era decor. Multicolored lights materialized out of seemingly nowhere, and a disco ball now hung from the ceiling. "I suppose Muggle inventions are useful for something," he said with a grin, apparently satisfied with the look.

Nonetheless, the Gryffindor half of the class seemed very taken to Nads already (never mind the Slytherins). "Now then! Let's be started, shall we? I understand my predecessor had JUST begun his lecture on Shrinking Solutions..." he seemed unperturbed by the groans from his third years. "...But forget all of that nonsense!" The Slytherins gaped at their new Potions professor in shock. "Throw out all your notes! Instead, today's lesson will involve the conjuring of Stink Bombs!"

"_Excellent!_" Fred and George responded with delight. Finally, a teacher other than Dumbledore that will UNDERSTAND and APPRECIATE their pranks!

"Now then, ready your cauldrons! I'll hand out the recipe and coach you through step-by-step..."

The class went by remarkably well. Each student seemed very into the work, measuring out each ingredient with precise glee. Soon enough, it was time to bottle the lime green liquid into their fragile containers. "Be sure not to drop them," Nads warned with a twinkle in his eye. "You wouldn't want to stink up your own common room!"

For once, it was an _enjoyable_ Potions lesson.

The bell rang all too quickly, and the third year Gryffindors and Slytherins begrudgingly filed out of the psychedelic Potions dungeon, their bombs in tow. Oddly enough, Fred and George seemed to be discussing a prank of some sorts called 'Crunchy Nads'...

-------------------------------- 

Harry Potter was whispering to his close friend Ron Weasley, discussing the amazing fight they'd seen just the day before yesterday between Professors Snape and Lupin, culminating in their arrest by the Auror Mad-eye Moody. Small conversations like this had spawned throughout the classroom; the new teacher was late.

The door suddenly opened and a woman silently glided in, although Harry wasn't sure whether or not she could actually be called a woman at all. From the looks of it, the rest of the class was thinking the same thing: Neville Longbottom was looking wide-eyed at the new teacher, and Seamus Finnigan looked like he was about to pass out right at his desk.

The woman came to a stop behind the teacher's desk and turned to face the class, so they could finally get a good view of her. 

It wasn't like she was horribly ugly, Harry mused. In fact, she was quite beautiful, with high cheekbones and full, luscious lips. Her figure was extremely curvy, and her form-fitting robes did nothing to hide her body. Glossy black hair fell almost to the floor like a shimmering curtain.

Those were the good parts. 

Her skin had a slight green tinge to it, making her look perpetually seasick. Although she had exquisite features, it was like gazing at a porcelain mask; no emotion or thought could be seen passing behind her expressionless face. And the aura of sheer... _wrongness_ that pervaded her made Harry and Ron shudder.

((Veela gone wrong. XD XD))

She stared at them for a long time, seemingly lost in thought before she abruptly turned and grasped a piece of chalk, writing on the blackboard.

"Hello. My name is Serena Sonores. You will call me Professor Sonores. Due to a highly rare throat disease, I am unable to talk, but apparently Professor Dumbledore trusted in my teaching abilities enough to assign me this job."

Hermione raised her hand, no doubt to ask a question, but Sonores ignored her and pointed to Harry, other hand writing nonstop without her looking. Hermione lowered her hand, looking hurt.

"You. Potter. Explain to me exactly why the Imperius Curse is labeled as one of the three Unforgivable Curses."

Harry gaped at her. He didn't even know what the three Unforgivable Curses were, what the Imperius Curse _was_ much less what it did, although judging from the way Hermione's hand had shot up and was waving frantically in the air again, she knew very well indeed. Ron, sensing his distress, came to Harry's aid.

"We haven't learned that yet, Professor Sonores. how should we know something we haven't even learned?" the red-haired boy asked indignantly. Sonores fixed him with a piercing glare.

"10 points from Gryffindor for your cheek, boy. I was asking Potter. Not you." She looked up as Draco Malfoy lazily raised his hand. "Yes?"

"Because it can control other people completely," Malfoy drawled. "You can make them kill their own children, mutilate themselves beyond the threshold of normal human pain tolerance..." The silver-haired youth gestured expansively. "Anything, really."

Sonores nodded curtly, apparently satisfied with his answer. "Excellent answer, Mr. Malfoy. 10 points to Slytherin. As you can see, Potter, Weasley," she wrote, a vindictive look of pleasure on her face, "You are the exception. Not the rule."

Malfoy leaned back in his chair, a satisfied smirk spreading across his face.

She made them take notes on the Imperius and Cruciatus curses until the bell rang. The students quickly shuffled out, stunned into silence by their strict teacher.

As they left, Ron muttered to Harry, "Now there sits one cold bitch. I bet she stuffs ice cubes into her blouse just to make herself icier." Harry snickered, but he was cut short by a loud tapping. He and Ron turned slowly, facing Professor Sonores. 

"You may have made the mistake of presuming that because I cannot speak, I am deaf as well. I regret to inform you that you are wrong. 20 points from Gryffindor, Weasley, and detention for the both of you."

It was with a heavy heart that Harry Potter stepped into the Potions dungeon next class...

--------------------------------

Professor >D smiled pleasantly as his first year Gryffindor and Slytherin students filed in, staring at the new decor with surprise and delight... 

Harry Potter trudged towards the Potions dungeon, heart weighed down by the obvious hatred Professor Sonores had shown him. Could it be that she was worse than the late Professor Snape had been?

...Wouldn't go so far as to judge _that_ quite yet.

"Can you _believe_ that woman?" Ron demanded angrily. "I can't believe we had to switch from Lupin to _this_ bitch. I sure hope our new Potions teacher is better than this," he moaned.

"And I thought _Snape_ was bad," Harry muttered dejectedly. "Things can't _possibly_ get any worse, right?"

"SHHH!" Ron warned, eyes wide. "Don't jinx it!"

"Oh, will you two shut _up_?" Hermione pressed in her snotty fashion. "Professor Sonores doesn't seem to be the _nicest_ in the school, but I'm sure there's a good reason for it."

Ron muttered a not-so-nice response to this, accompanied by a roll of his eyes. "Really, Hermione, you never say _anything_ bad about _any_ of the Hogwarts professors. You didn't even admit to Snape being a slimy git!"

"...I thought Potions was a very _interesting_ subject..." Anyone could see Hermione's blatant retort-avoidance...

And they had finally reached the dungeons. The Trio eyed the new decor in shock as they strolled in, settling down in their seats as they took in their replacement professor. Someone who decorates their classroom psychedelically can't be all THAT bad, now, can he?

Professor XD >D rose from his seat with a flourish as the bell rang once more, a wide grin gracing his features.

"Salutations, Gryffindor and Slytherin First Years!" he announced warmly. He motioned to his name, written plainly on the board. "My name is Professor Knum Nad, and I will be your Potions teacher for your seven years here at Hogwarts!" As expected, the students began to snicker loudly at the name. With a hearty laugh, he continued to speak: "You may call me Nads if you wish. I know you all will, anyway." Of course, the Gryffindors seemed to like his radiated warmth while the Slytherins (Draco Malfoy's group in particular) were ... less than pleased.

In fact, Draco himself had something to say on the subject.

"_Numb **Nads**_? Is this some sort of _joke_?" the rich snob demanded of the teacher, unmasked disgust in his tone.

"I assure you, Mr..." Professor >D trailed off as he picked up the class list and quickly picked out the student's name. "_Malfoy_, this is no joke. Although I believe my parents seemed to find my name a bloody good joke, don't you agree?" The professor laughed along with the majority of the class. He seemed to be taking this rather well.

Unfortunately, this only served to enrage Draco further.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me," the child snorted. "We're not here to talk about jokes, _professor_. We're here to learn about _potions_," he continued dryly. "I don't think you're anywhere _near_ as competent as Professor Snape was."

Hermione immediately jumped to Nad's defense. "That's an unfair judgement! You haven't even SEEN Professor Nad brew potions!"

"That's quite all right, Miss..." He paused to look at the list again. "Granger. He may believe what he chooses, of course. He'll just be the one missing out on the fun!" Nads grinned cheerfully, much to the dismay of Draco.

"My father will hear about this, you know! He'll have you sacked for _sure_," Draco threatened, a menacing glint in his eye.

"Whatever you say, Mr. Malfoy," Nads replied cheerfully, smile never wavering. "Now then!" He sat down at Snape's old desk once more. "A little about myself..."

Nads went through a similar speech as the one he had given to the third years. The reactions were to be expected; Gryffindors reacting positively, most Slytherins objecting to Nads's methods. He went through a bit of a start as he realized who Harry Potter was, of course...but the spotlight quickly diminished, and the scarred boy was delighted in that he wasn't singled out too often. The second Potions class of the day, overall, went by just as smoothly as the first (with the occasional complaint from Malfoy).

The students were, naturally, upset as the bell rang for lunch. The students reluctantly gathered up their prank products of the day's lesson and headed out the door.

Potions class would no longer be torture to go through. 

--------------------------------

The bell signaling the end of the second class finally rang, sending the students of Hogwarts to a well-deserved lunch. All except for one platinum blond first year Slytherin, who snuck off to the Slytherin common room, grabbed a handful of powder from his trunk and threw it into the fire, shouting, "Lucius Malfoy!". A blond man who looked much like an older carbon copy of his son appeared in the flames. Or, to put it more precisely, his head did. Completely unconcerned about the flames licking his sideburns and the ashes that flew up his nose, Lucius looked up at his son with an impatient expression that indicated he:

(a) Had been doing something important.

(b) Needed to get back to that something soon.

That, combined with the fact that he didn't appear to be wearing any clothes and the way his hour was tousled, led one to believe that that something was Narcissa Malfoy. But the author regresses, for she has a very perverted mind and is deliberately spoiling this fic. ((Akane: *completely ignores the fact that she ruined this fic's proverbial innocence with Maria and John Lestrange last chapter*))

"Father~" whined Draco Malfoy, a petulant expression on his face. "The new Potions professor is... _annoying_ me," he said, putting significant weight on the word 'annoying'. The smirk on his face suggested that whatever he found annoying would not be annoying him long. To his utter and complete surprise, his father shook his head, a look of resigned exasperation on his face.

"I'm sorry, Draco," Lucius said, sounding altogether unsorry about the whole thing. "But it really would be in our best interests if you left the new Potions professor be." At Draco's unbelieving expression, Lucius opened his mouth to elaborate, but he was interrupted by a feminine giggle, although the speaker wasn't visible.

"Oh _Lucius..._" the voice said seductively, followed by another giggle. Draco absently recognized the voice as that of his mother. "Come and _play_ with me, will you?" The accent on play brings several lewd images to the mind of the author, but ickle Draco was too young to understand the subtle nuances of his mother's words, was a bit surprised when his father turned to him and nodded shortly. 

"I have... pressing matters to attend to, Draco. Don't bother me again." With that, the elder Malfoy's head burst in a small ball of flame, muttering something about birds and bees, and the fire settled down again.

Meanwhile, lunch was taking place down at the Great Hall. The meal was punctuated by occasional roars of laughter from Hagrid, who was talking animatedly with Professor >D. Many students were coming up to his seat and trying to engage him in conversation; apparently he'd made many friends. 

On the other hand, Professor Sonores was sitting alone, completely avoided by both staff and students alike. Anybody who came within a meter radius of her was promptly met by a red-eyed glare; it appeared that _she_ didn't want any company. Strange how she didn't eat much of anything. A little black pudding here, a small dish of liver there..

The abrupt appearance of Draco Malfoy, who seemed to be far more peeved than his usual self, caused a small break in the conversation, but soon the students' chatter turned to other, more interesting topics. Such as Professor >D. 

Draco was sulkily shoveling large bunches of asparagus down his mouth when Fred Weasley snuck stealthily behind him. He didn't even notice as the mischievous Gryffindor lifted his robe, but he certainly did when Fred gave him an incredibly vicious wedgie. Using the boy's shock to his advantage, the Gryffindor beater quickly slipped one of the stink bombs he had made in Potions into Draco's briefs. Then he bounded, chortling madly to the safety of the Gryffindor table.

When Draco finally recovered from the pain in his nether regions, he shot the Weasley twins a glare fit to melt adamantium, and sat down heavily with a huff.

...Breaking that oh-so-fragile vial of stink potion that was in his briefs, by the way. That, paired with the Sound Copier Charm that Fred had used on the bottle, made it sound and smell as if Draco had let off an incredibly fetid gas spider. 

There was a hurried rumble and shuffle as the Slytherin table was hurriedly evacuated; even Messrs. Crabbe and Goyle were unable to stick by Malfoy. He smelled like rotten eggs and dead skunks and burnt sugar and a thousand other nasty things, and the smells rebounded off of each other, making each other smell even more horrible, if that was possible. 

Inevitably, the stench reached Professor >D, who was, after all, sitting closest to the Slytherin table. His nose wrinkled and a jesting light filled his eyes as he commented, "Why, Draco! Have you _farted_?"

That was the final straw for Fred and George. They collapsed on each other, pounding their fists onto each other's backs, fairly crying with hysterical laughter. A roar of amusement that rose from a thousand throats filled the Great Hall, and even Headmaster Dumbledore couldn't hide a light smile. Looking absolutely outraged, Draco jumped to his feet and stormed out of the Hall.

--------------------------------

It was around three o' clock in the afternoon. All seemed perfectly normal in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry as Headmaster Albus Dumbledore headed up the stairs. Lunch hour had just ended, and it was time for some tedious paperwork back in his office.

"Best Blowing Gum," Dumbledore stated cheerfully to a certain gargoyle. With the correct password stated, the gargoyle leapt aside and allowed him passage into the spiral staircase it hid. The headmaster stepped inside, humming a cheerful tune as he climbed the flights into his office.

Fawkes was a magnificent bird today. He stood proudly on his perch, his lovely gold and red feathers shining radiantly in the light. Dumbledore calmly gave the bird a pat on the head and strode to the chair situated behind his desk. He turned and smiled at the seemingly empty room as he seated himself with a flourish. With a wave of his hand, three chairs scuttled over to Dumbledore's desk, side-by-side.

Severus Snape, Remus Lupin, and Sirius Black burst out of the shadows and plopped down into the chairs with a huff.

...Actually, allow me to correct myself. Severus and Sirius had fought for a chair, but after Sirius had thrown Severus at Dumbledore's desk, the former had no choice but to choose a different seat. Albus simply smiled with a twinkle of his eye and opened his mouth to speak:

"So, children, how did you manage to end up here?" 

--------------------------------

...We really hope you can tell who's posting what. XD Hint: Lari gets Nads and I (Akane) get Sonores. 

...Yes. Draco is also a briefs man.

Kudos to anybody who can figure out just what Professor Sonores is.

Mwaar. Yes, boys and girls. It's that time... *holds up a sign* 'BLATANT PLUG: C0m3 2 hour |2PG 4+: http://www.geocities.com/hsfnww/index2.html!!! W3 r0x0r!! XD XD XD'

Chapter End


	5. Chapter 5: Our Trio's Story

Title: The Convict Trio and the Wings of the Heir (5/?)

Name: Voldie For Prez

Email: hsfnww@yahoo.com

Category: Humor

Keywords: Lupin, Snape, Sirius, Merlin, Armani

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: All Four Books, FB

Summary: AU fic. Lupin and Snape get into a fight at lunch. Eventually hauled off to Azkaban, they escape (with Sirius Black in tow) and set off to clear their names. Includes a teacher named Nads, Voldie playing Quidditch, snazzy Armani suits, Merlin's sense of humor, stinkbomb potions, but only a tiny bit of snogging. We're so sorry. 

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. Sonores and Nads are ours.

Author's Note: We'd.. umm.. like to thank JKR, fer making the incredibly diverse world that we mold like putty and make fanfics out of. Lari would like to thank Kels for getting her started in Harry Potter RPing. BTW, we're two people, really. I'm Akane and that's Lari. *points to invisible people* Her AIM is eyeKEELyuu and mine is Scary BogMonster. Err.. that's pretty much it. XD Lari would like to say...'MWAAR! Yah, we're crazy.' Visit our equally crazy RPG at http://www.geocities.com/hsfnww/index2.html XD XD

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Our Trio's Story

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Lari's AN: XD Time for a reaccounting of events. What happened to OUR Trio whilst the substitute professors took over their classes? Do you want to know? MWAAR! XD

Akane's AN: Gott im Himmel.. I dun think either of us expected to go so far with this fic... Beware the quintapeds. The fic itself is evolving, you know. We're treating it more like a fic than a PBP roleplay now. XD

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Dumbledore waited patiently for an explanation, a faint expression of amusement on his face, as if he was having tea with the Minister of Magic and not facing three escaped convicts from Azkaban. The fact that the trio of men were wearing expensive Armani suits and snazzy pants was not lost on the old wizard. He watched as Snape cleared his throat, obviously preparing to speak.

Lupin viciously elbowed Snape in the stomach and opened his mouth, but before he could utter a single word he was tackled by Snape and they rolled around Dumbledore's office, kicking and punching each other madly. With a wave of his hand, the two men were sucked back into their seats. Albus raised an eyebrow as the pair settled back into their seats, glaring daggers at each other.

"Severus? Would you mind telling the story?" said the old wizard. Snape flashed Lupin a smug grin and began telling their tale. 

o_O O_O O_o HURASHIBAKKU! (flashback)

Remus Lupin smiled cheerfully to his two companions as he pulled out his wand and held it up, preparing to concentrate on his upcoming Apparation.

"_To the Forbidden Forest!_"

Snape glared at the spot where Lupin had used to stand, before raising his own wand and Apparating. A moment later, Sirius also vanished, leaving the bare rock of Azkaban littered with human bodies (the ones chucked out of the windows). 

o_O O_O O_o Present!

"Of course," Snape said acidly, breaking the flashback. "Lupin conveniently forgot that Azkaban is an Unplottable piece of land, making Apparition a risky business at best."

Lupin glared icily at the hooknosed convict. "I didn't see you noticing that either, _Snapy_. 

Snape experienced a violent bout of coughing and quickly continued recounting their story. 

o_O O_O O_o Back to the HURASHIBAKKU!

On a foggy island somewhere near in Europe, three figures suddenly appeared out of thin air, and they immediately started to bicker. 

"I don't believe this is the Forbidden Forest," Snape said in a drawling sneer, sounding remarkably like his favorite pupil Draco Malfoy. "In fact, I'm not even sure that this is Britain. Has your stay at Azkaban addled your brains, werewolf?"

Remus ignored the blatant insult and put his wand on his palm, muttering, "_Point me._" His wand promptly started to spin wildly, not pointing in any particular direction. Sirius noticed, and he breathed two words that summed up the situation nicely.

"Oh shit."

Lupin stared at the wand still spinning in his hand, then grabbed it and held it ready. "We're on an Unplottable piece of land," he murmured. Sirius looked perplexed.

"Which means we're either at Beauxbatons, which doesn't look likely..." Black said.

"Or Durmstrang, but it's not cold enough," added Snape.

"...that leaves the Isle of Drear," Lupin said softly, looking utterly terrified. The confused look on Black's face deepened. 

"Where have I heard that before?" His question was abruptly answered by a loud ruddy voice from out of the fog.

"ACH! Y'wee wizard scum! Keep yer arses put, noe! Ah'm a'comin' soo Ah kin eat yer sools!" The thick Scottish brogue made Snape wince, a hint of fear creeping into his eyes as well. 

The pitter-patter of five feet working in unison could be heard, and something large, far larger than a man emerged from the mist. It would have looked completely ludicrous, if it hadn't been so terrifying.

What looked like a five-legged spider came to a halt in front of the bedraggled trio. Except that all five legs were very much human and extremely hairy, with knee-length white socks and thick shoes on them. A huge black-and-red kilt adorned its torso, and the bagpipe attached to its shoulders was literally slobbering. Snape idly noted that the mouthpipes had teeth. And long pink tongues.

The quintaped's mouth was extremely toothy, with multiple rows of razor-sharp teeth giving the impression of looking into a shark's maw. A huge, orange bushy mustache and beard, coupled with an impressive pair of sideburns only made the creature look more ludicrous than ever. 

Snape and Sirius quickly drew their wands, pointing them at the quintaped. "Don't worry, we can take one on," Lupin muttered, preparing a curse.

Of course, that jinxed it. The quintaped grinned devilishly before putting its lipless mouth to its snarling bagpipe and blowing fiercely. The flat squeal echoed eerily across the island, and a deep silence fell on the island afterwards.

"Ye'll be gettin' yer dues noe, laddies," the quintaped sneered. "Mah kin're comin an' Ah reckin yer in fer a braw party."

There was a deep rumble as a horde of quintapeds, perhaps a hundred or more, emerged from the deep mists and rushed up behind the one that was already standing in front of our trio. Needless to say, our heroes nearly soiled their robes.

"I think now would be a good time to run," Lupin whispered faintly.

"For once, I must concur, Lupin," replied Snape in a rather strangled voice.

"SHUT THE HELL UP AND RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" Sirius shouted, and the trio started running away like bats out of hell. After a brief pause, the quintapeds followed, and, of course, having five legs as opposed to a human's two, they were gaining rapidly.

Lupin whipped his wand behind his shoulder, shouting, "_Infernum!_" A red bolt of crackling energy burst out of his wand and hit a bagpipe, which glowed deep crimson for a second before exploding with a loud pained scream. The quintaped whose bagpipe had died let out an outraged cry.

"Ach, ye goddam bastards!" it shouted. "Ah'll flaiy yer meat froom yer boons an' roost it o'er a fire!" This, of course, only prompted the good convicts to run faster.

Lupin was so busy hurling curses over his shoulder that he almost fell off the edge of the island and into the misty seas to a watery death. He was teetering on the edge when Sirius pulled him back by the nape of his robes, almost falling off the edge himself. The pair clutched each other (not slashy-like) and barely managed to tumble away from the edge. 

Meanwhile, Snape had decided on a more permanent method of dealing with the beasts. Holding out his wand and aiming at the foremost quintaped, he shouted, "_Avada Kedavra!_"

A blinding flash of green light filled the air, temporarily burning away the mist. Something huge and invisible rolled through the air, prepared to snuff the life out of anything that stood in its way. It impacted into the hairy chest of the five-legged monster with a dull rush of air and the viridian radiance grew unbearably bright. The green light cleared....

Revealing a grinning quintaped, its sharp teeth gleaming. It scuttled forward on its disturbingly human feet, confirming the fact that it wasn't really that dead yet and it didn't look like its status would be changing anytime soon. The bagpipe in its arms snarled threateningly.

"Oi, laddie," the quintaped smirked. "That there speel dunna wairk on me an' mah kin." Then it scuttled towards them even faster, obviously intent on eating them. Or something equally horrible. Perhaps it was going to invite them to blow on his bagpipe. But we never find out, because...

Snape gulped and said, "Let's try Apparation one more time, shall we?"

Lupin and Sirius nodded hastily, before raising their wands again. The three shouted desperately, "_**ANYWHERE BUT HERE!**_" and vanished, to the angry howl of the quintapeds, who really hadn't had a good square meal in years, ever since the Ministry had hidden their cursed island from prying eyes and stopped the inflow of hapless victims.

The trio reappeared in the middle of the air, falling into a large heap of limbs. Lupin groggily looked around, muttering, "Where are we?"

The author would like to take a moment here to pan outside the building. A sign standing outside the building proudly proclaims, 

_"Supreme Court of Justice of the United States of America"_

Snape and Sirius finally looked up, and noticed that the room was utterly quiet. Looking around, they could see many people dressed in Muggle clothes, doing very good impressions of goldfish. It dawned on them that they might have appeared in the midst of Muggles. 

_We're doomed._ was their collective thought as they hastily Apparated out, their destination unknown. It's a wonder they haven't splinched each other yet, you know. 

A moment later, a pair of expressionless men in immaculate black suits walked in, showing their official-looking IDs. One held up a small silver pen-like device and directed everyone to look closely at it. Then there was a flash...

A few minutes later, Lupin, Snape, and Black (their initials rhyme with LSD, y'know) tumbled again, although this time, the ground wasn't soft enough to cushion their fall. They landed in a bruised heap of groaning wizardness. Snape quickly looked up to check out their surroundings, and breathed a sigh of relief as he noted that the clearing was deserted. Deserted except for...

"Merlin's beard..." Lupin gasped, staring at the old wizard lying flat on a rock, his eyes closed in enchanted sleep. He was dressed in simple purple robes and he had no hat, letting his gleaming silver hair lie free. He had to be at least as old as Dumbledore, perhaps older. A staff lay at his side, engraved with ancient runes of power. But that wasn't the reason for Lupin's shocked expression. Rather, the words carved into the stone beneath the wizard were...

"_Yonder rests Merlin, Great Wizard of Old_

'Til the eve of His return hath come upon us

Whose Flesh and Blood be destined to lead Honorable King Arthur and his Knights of Legend

And save the fair land of England.

-Nimue"

For a long time, the three could do no more than gape at the living legend that lay before them. The story was, of course, that Merlin lay asleep beneath a rock, enchanted by the Lady Nimue, but it had been dismissed as a children's tale long ago by most of the wizarding community. 

Suddenly, Lupin and Sirius rose and walked silently over to Merlin's sleeping form, looking entranced. Slowly, oh so slowly, they reached out to his staff, which rested beside his body.

"Fools! What do you think you're doing?" Snape hissed suddenly, looking startled. 

"We're robbing Merlin. What does it look like we're doing?" replied Lupin. "It's not like he _needs_ this staff, he has more magic in his pinky than Dumbledore and Voldemort combined."

"It might have a curse on it, you idiots! _Don't touch it! You'll get us all **killed!!!**_" Severus cried, running forward and grabbing the back of their robes. Unfortunately for him, this was just as they touched Merlin's staff...

There was a brief explosion as the entire world inverted for a second, and then an unseen force blew the three wizards back, impacting painfully with the stone wall. Lupin was the first to recover, shaking his head queasily and gazing at his companions... whose robes had been replaced by snazzy gray Armani suits and matching gray pants. Looking down, Lupin noted with faint horror that he too was dressed the same.

He stared at Merlin's tomb, where a message hung glittering above the old wizard's body.

'So, it appears that somebody's found my tomb. I'll ask you not to disturb me, or else I might wake up ahead of my time, and I might be... grumpy. Those clothes you have on are fashionable among the non-magic folk of your time, I understand. If, perchance, you don't find them to your liking, you must dance and sing a happy song in front of a crowd of at least a hundred people. Have a nice day."

With that, the message dispersed into thin air. Merlin seemed to have a small smile on his face. Snape glared at the Animagus and the werewolf, his upper lip curled back to show his yellowing teeth.

"And that, _gentlemen_, is why you don't disturb the tombs of thousand-year-old wizards who could kill you with a glance if they wanted to," he sneered.

--------------------------------

"Enough of this. Shall we Apparate to the _Forbidden Forest_ this time, _not_ another one of these cursed Unplottable human-repelling lands?" he questioned snidely. "I wouldn't want _you two_ botching up the job again."

o_O O_O O_o _Back to the Present_...

"And so, we Apparated back to the Forbidden Forest under _my_ command---"

"Excuse me, _Snapy_," Sirius cut in rudely. "You seem to be _missing_ something..."

"I am _not_!"

"Allow _me_ to tell it how really it was." Lupin smiled cheerfully and picked up the story.

o_O O_O O_o _Back to Merlin's slumbering form..._

"Us? _Botching up_ the job?" Sirius growled, his hatred toward Severus beginning to surface once more. "I don't see _you_ doing anything _right_ yet!"

Snape, unable to prove his fellow convict otherwise, snorted and strode around the tomb in search of an exit. Unfortunately for his dignity, the Potions Master tripped and fell against a rock formation, nearly landing upon Merlin himself in the process. Horror-stricken, the former teacher quickly backed away from the sleeping 'God of Wizardry,' stunned to silence as yet another glittering message hung above the prone body.

"I thought I specifically asked you lot _not_ to disturb me. Now then, I do not consider myself a morning person, so if you would shut your bickering up and move on out of here, there's still the chance that I'll slumber on schedule. Good bye."

Severus was, nonetheless, angered by this message and the snickering of his companions. With a piercing glare to the fading lettering and an angry huff, he tore his wand out of his ro---Armani suit. "The Forbidden Forest!" he hissed as he Apparated, leaving nary a trace.

Lupin and Black gave each other triumphant smirks before pulling out their own wands and following suit.

"...And _that's_ how we finally ended up in the Forbidden Forest!" Remus finished cheerfully, much to the dismay of the greasy Potions Master beside him.

"You could have done without mentioning _that_," Snape sneered angrily.

Dumbledore couldn't hide his amused smile as his eyes twinkled at the Trio. "But you did not immediately report to me. What happened after you reached the Forest?"

"This was where _I_ came in," Snape drawled with a smirk, picking up the story once more as he promptly 'forgot' the whole Merlin ordeal ever happened. "After we Apparated successfully, I had brought up the fact that we would have difficulty entering the castle without adequate disguises or Floo powder. We had no access to the latter, considering Floo powder does _not_ spring up in greenery spontaneously, unlike what _some_ wished to believe," he mentioned sarcastically, ignoring the harsh glare Black sent his way. "A disguise, however..."

o_O O_O O_o _Fade to black to cue the flashback once more..._

"What the _hell_ are you doing, Snape?" Sirius demanded as the Potions Master scanned the ground.

"I'm _foraging_," Snape snapped back with a scowl. "What does it _look_ like I'm doing? Searching for thousand-year-old-wizards to steal from?" He rolled his eyes and picked at the ground, uprooting the occasional plant that he found up to par.

"Look, _Snapy_, we don't want to be poisoned ri--"

"I'm not going to poison _you_, morons!" Severus sneered. He needed his companions, after all. "You _honestly_ don't expect to safely infiltrate Hogwarts like **this** without being spotted, _do_ you?"

And so, the greasy haired convict set to work on what most obviously were the beginnings of a potion. Snape was forced to use two stones as an impromptu mortar and pestle, grinding all of the required herbs into usable bits of leaves or powdery substances. Thankfully, after about 5 rounds of 'Shut _up_!'s, his companions were quiet enough for him to concentrate. It was rather simple to carry out the rest, after the required ingredients in their required quantities were obtained (along with an impromptu conjured cauldron and the magically induced fires).

The potion had taken an hour to brew. One...entire..._fun-filled_ hour full of complaints and whining from the resident werewolf and convicted murderer. In the meantime, Snape had ignored these comments to the best of his ability as he magically hollowed-out some good-sized stones to use as goblets to drink from. Finally...it was time.

"You want us to drink _that_ stuff?!" Sirius exclaimed incredulously, staring with disgust at the brown sludge of a potion. It looked to have the consistency _and_ properties of mud. "What does it _do_?"

Snape gave Sirius a hard glare, scooping up the last of the potion for himself. "Unfortunately, it will do nothing to shut you up," he retorted with a snort. "_Drink it._ We shall keep track of each other with our voices. Be sure to stay together."

Without another word, Severus downed the sludgelike substance with a grimace...

And disappeared. 

Remus Lupin and Sirius Black stared agape at where Snape formerly stood. They slowly stared at the potion... back to the empty space... back to the potion... and, finally, turned to give each other wide-eyed stares.

"...Do you know what this means, Moony?" Sirius asked, a grin dawning upon his features.

"...I believe I do, Padfoot. It seems that old _Snapy_ has created an Invi--"

"SNAPE'S _GONE_!" interrupted Black joyously, preparing to toss the potion over his shoulder.

"_No_, you idiot!" Snape's disembodied voice snapped from the same exact spot he disappeared. "It's an _Invisibility_ Potion! You truly _were_ horrible in Potions class, weren't you?"

Black's jovial expression melted into disappointment. "Damnit. At least _I_ was good at Transfiguration, unlike _some_ Greasy-Haired Git I know..." he muttered dejectedly as he stared at the sludgelike potion once more. "Do I really have to drink this?"

Lupin shrugged and tipped his 'goblet' towards Sirius with a weak grin. "Bottoms up, I suppose!" He gulped down his share.

The last thing Sirius saw of Remus was the disgusted look at the taste as the werewolf faded from view.

"...Couldn't you have made it taste better?" Lupin's voice questioned to the invisible Potions Master. He received a snort in reply.

"A potion's function is _far_ more important than its taste. Do you have a problem with that, _werewolf_?"

Sirius sighed at the sludge, unwilling to drink the stuff. But, in the end, he realized he didn't truly have much of a choice. The convicted murderer muttered as he held his breath and downed the potion as quickly as possible.

"Took you long enough," Snape snapped, as Black became invisible. "The effects of this potion last for about an hour and fifteen minutes. We must work quickly to get through the school."

"We're going _straight_ to Albus Dumbledore," Remus stated with finality, as if it were the only option available. "We'll explain the situation to _him_."

"Of _course_ we will!" Severus insisted, his usual sneer coming to mind to match his tone (he cannot be seen, after all). "Would you rather we go to _Bartemius Crouch_?"

And so, our Trio headed off to the castle. They actually didn't have much difficulty getting into the castle itself--as long as their voices were reduced to whispers (or completely silent, whenever someone walked by), they would not be caught. Mrs. Norris had almost given them away ('BLASTED CAT!' as Snape had said); it was lucky she only had scent and sound to go by with no visuals to call Filch for. She had also received a rather sharp kick to her furry cat ass, courtesy of Sirius Black. This resulted in the cat scrambling off with a yowl, having the misfortune of running straight into Fred and George's brand-new patented Crunchy Nads (they burst open the moment her paw came in contact with one, showering her with Stiffening Charms and causing her fur to make crunchy sounds as she moved).

Soon enough, the group found themselves standing before the gargoyle guarding the entrance to Headmaster Dumbledore's office.

"Everyone still here?" Lupin whispered, just to make a 'head count,' per se. Snape merely snorted to prove that he was, indeed present. Sirius, however...

"...Sirius? _Padfoot_? ..._**Sirius**_???" Moony questioned to the empty air, worry leaking into his tone. This worry was justified when he received no answer. "...He _does_ remember how to find his way around Hogwarts...doesn't he?"

Snape snorted again in response. "The fool. He probably wandered off. I wouldn't be surprised if he got himself caught..."

"I'm not just going to _leave him behind_!" announced Lupin with resolve. "I'm going after him. Wait for us, _Snapy_."

The greasy-haired Potions Master sighed at the sound of retreating footsteps. Well. He'd wait for as long as it took for the potion to run out. If they had not returned by that point, he would go up without them... 

Sirius, meanwhile, had gotten himself lost. _Incredibly_ lost, indeed. He had been wandering aimlessly around the castle of Hogwarts for quite a while now, having no idea where to go or what to do. He had a very bad memory of the place, after all.

"...Remus?" he whispered to the empty air. "Remus? You still there? _...Moony_?" No response. "_SNAPE?!_" Boy, he must truly be getting desperate.

Black's dying hope rose once again as he heard the steady footsteps of someone striding briskly down the hallway. The convict pressed himself against the wall and held his breath, waiting expectantly for the source to present itself.

To his disappointment, it was someone visible.

It was...a woman. A woman with a _very_ nice figure--those robes accented her curves nicely, Sirius noticed. Her long, glossy black hair skimmed the floor, greatly resembling a shimmering, flowing curtain. Her full, luscious lips were drawn downward into a scowl; unusual, considering the rest of her features seemed dead to emotion.

The greenish tint to her skin and the utterly creepy feeling of _wrongness_ was what bothered Sirius. The fact remained, though, that the more he stared at the woman, the more familiar she looked...

"Holy _shit_," Black muttered under his breath. "It's Snape's long lost sister." He shuddered at the thought.

However, Sirius was not conscious for long enough to follow her and find out if this theory were true. The last he remembered hearing was a low, screechy voice from this strange woman. A single line of "_Damn_ that Weasley boy for saying that about me," before he fell to the ground with a THUD, the wooziness overthrowing his conscious mind.

But Professor Sonores can't talk, can she? ^_~

"WHO'S THERE?" Sonores hissed in her oddly screechy voice, scanning the corridor frantically for any sign of life. Black's unconscious body twitched in protest at the sound of her voice.

Lupin froze as the woman before him whipped about cautiously. Had she _heard_ him? But that can't be possible! He had made EXTRA sure that he was making no sound.

Then what had she just heard? Could it be..._Sirius_?

With newfound hope, Remus cautiously tiptoed past the black-haired woman, making not a sound as he stepped past. So far, so good. Now...was Sirius truly there? The werewolf decided the best way to go about this matter was to silently hold out his arms and tiptoe about in hopes that he'll walk straight into his old friend.

It was not two minutes when he tripped over something lying on the ground. Something _large_. Something very much like a body. An _invisible_ body.

...Loudly.

Lupin stifled a curse and knelt to the ground, frantically feeling his way to Sirius's unconscious form and somehow managing to sling the convicted murderer over his shoulder just as Sonores began to stalk towards him. The werewolf glanced around, trying to find a way out of this--

Wait. He knew where he was. Wasn't there a _secret passage_ just around the corner?

Silently praising his good ol' Marauder's knowledge, Remus dashed around the corner (Sirius in tow) and tapped the statue situated against the wall, wasting no time in leaping into the passageway within...

The instant the Invisibility Potion ran out of juice. They were safe.

----------------

Snape was getting impatient. Where _were_ those fools? The potion's almost run out!

The Potions Master paced about the gargoyle, having nothing better to do with his time. Back and forth. Back and forth. Where could they be? Back and forth. Back and forth. Black is such a _fool_. Back and forth. Back and forth.

There was a telltale tingling sensation as the former professor became more and more solid in appearance. It wasn't long before he faded back into being, a solid, non-opaque person once again.

His lips curled up into a sardonic grin. _I suppose they **won't** be here after all. A pity._ Triumphantly, the fully visible Git approached the gargoyle and opened his mouth, obviously preparing to state the password...

The statue behind him quite suddenly burst open as two Marauders climbed out. Snape nearly hit the ceiling at the sound, his heart racing as he whirled about, gaping wide-eyed at his companions.

"Hello, Snapy. Miss me?" Sirius grinned. He obviously enjoyed the reaction he had earned from his enemy. Even the werewolf was grinning in amusement as Snape's jaw dropped.

"Hello, Severus. Were you about to leave without us?" Lupin asked in an innocent manner, referring to the potion master's position by the gargoyle. Snape, of course, immediately set his expression back to his trademark scowl.

"What _took_ you so long?" he demanded icily, completely ignoring their amusement. He'll return the 'favor' sometime, after all. "Having yourselves appear in the middle of a corridor would have done us no good, you realize."

"We just gave your _sister_ a visit!" Black proclaimed with a snicker. This only caused Snape to frown.

"I do not _have_ a sister, Black. Don't be wandering off again if you wish to _survive_ in this school," warned Snape. Hell, he just wanted to keep an eye on the murdering fiend...

"Shut up, _Snapy_. Not my damn fault I got lost because you left me behind."

To this, Severus merely rolled his eyes and turned back to the gargoyle. "Best Blowing Gum," he murmured brusquely, waiting patiently as the gargoyle leapt aside. The Trio stepped inside and strode up the spiral staircase, straight into Dumbledore's office...

o_O O_O O_o _Back to the present. End HURASHIBAKKU._

"...We waited in the shadows of your office until your arrival here," Lupin stated, wrapping up the entire ordeal with a smile. "And that brings us to _now_!"

Dumbledore was left to consider these facts as the Trio awaited his verdict with quiet anticipation... 

--------------------------------

For those who don't know, quintapeds are the twisted forms of transfigured Scots who fought at the Isle of Drear. I'm not sure whether they wear kilts and have bagpipes, but it seemed right. Akane isn't really sure whether they can speak either, but she wanted to write some outrageous Scottish brogue. XD They're rated XXXXX (right up there with basilisks and nundu) by the Ministry. To keep unwary travelers from being ruthlessly murdered, the Ministry has rendered the Isle of Drear Unplottable. Too bad for our heroes that they ended up on it. XD

Chapter End


	6. Chapter 6: Things That Go Bump In the Ni...

Title: The Convict Trio and the Wings of the Heir (6/?)

Name: Voldie For Prez

Email: hsfnww@yahoo.com

Category: Humor 

Keywords: Lupin, Snape, Sirius, Merlin, Armani

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: All Four Books, FB

Summary: AU fic. Lupin and Snape get into a fight at lunch. Eventually hauled off to Azkaban, they escape (with Sirius Black in tow) and set off to clear their names. Includes a teacher named Nads, Voldie playing Quidditch, snazzy Armani suits, Merlin's sense of humor, stinkbomb potions, but only a tiny bit of snogging. We're so sorry.

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. Sonores and Nads are ours.Author's Note: We'd.. umm.. like to thank JKR, fer making the incredibly diverse world that we mold like putty and make fanfics out of. Lari would like to thank Kels for getting her started in Harry Potter RPing. BTW, we're two people, really. I'm Akane and that's Lari. *points to invisible people* Her AIM is eyeKEELyuu and mine is Scary BogMonster. Err.. that's pretty much it. XD Lari would like to say...'MWAAR! Yah, we're crazy.' Visit our equally crazy RPG at http://www.geocities.com/hsfnww/index2.html XD XD

--------------------------------

Lari's AN: And the plot thickens! ...Well, actually, it's just beginning. XD YES, we TRULY are going to have a plot. Rest assured.

Akane's AN: It's True. We didn't have a plot until now. XD

--------------------------------

Albus Dumbledore nodded slowly, leaning back into his cushy armchair. Fawkes flew from his perch and landed on Dumbledore's shoulder, staring at Sirius. Dumbledore noticed the phoenix's gaze and followed it.

"Ah yes," the old wizard said, his voice growing colder. "I'd like to hear your story, Mr. Black. Unless I am very much mistaken, you betrayed your best friends and murdered thirteen people. Why are you here with Remus and Severus?" 

Lupin burst out, "Headmaster! Sirius is innocent! He was fram-" The lycanthrope was cut off as Dumbledore raised his hand, silencing him. Snape sneered arrogantly and began to express _his_ opinion.

"Lupin's beliefs are no doubt _shaded_ by his childhood experiences with Black, Headmaster. No doubt he is so desperate to think Black innocent that he grasps at any story that allows him to do so."

Remus growled and opened his mouth to protest, but Black put a hand on his shoulder. "I'll tell the story, Moony," he said, taking a deep breath and beginning.

Over the next half hour, Black told his tale, about the last-minute switch of Secret Keepers, Peter Pettigrew's betrayal, his unfair lack of trial and subsequent imprisonment in Azkaban. Snape snorted disbelievingly and interrupted frequently with scathing comments and insults. As Sirius finally finished, Severus gave the convict a disdainful glare.

"Headmaster, surely you don't believe this... this _preposterous concoction_ of Black's? These are obviously the mad ramblings of a man long since gone insane. Nobody can spend eleven years in Azkaban and look like... _that_." he said, pointing at Sirius, who, although he couldn't be called healthy, was certainly not insane. In fact, he was glaring viciously at Snape. :D

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled with amusement, and he nodded once more. "Perhaps... it would be best to give Mr. Black a second chance." Snape flinched at the words _second chance_ and fell silent, they obviously brought back memories that were none too pleasant. "But we certainly cannot let you three walk out of my office, now can I? After all, you are still convicted criminals in the eyes of the law and the students here at Hogwarts. Follow me, please." 

Dumbledore arose and tapped three bricks on the west wall of his study with his wand. For a moment, nothing happened, then the brick wall slid outwards and away, revealing a long unlit stairway. With a wave of his wand, Dumbledore conjured two dozen candles that illuminated the stairs and led the way up. Snape, Lupin and Black, still dressed in extremely expensive Armani, followed him. They passed a number of locked doors until they came to a hallway. Here Dumbledore gestured towards five doors that stood unlocked.

The first door swung open, revealing a room full of chamberpots. Dumbledore smiled broadly, the twinkling lights in his eyes dancing. "Use these when you feel the need," he said simply.

The second, third, and fourth doors revealed identical rooms, with completely identical beds and even the same books in the bookcase against the wall. Dumbledore smiled, saying, "I'm afraid that you'll have to stay here, although I can procure the ingredients for Invisibility Potion if you wish."

At Snape's curt nod, Dumbledore smiled and left the room, returning shortly with the needed herbs. With a cheerful smile, Dumbledore returned to his office, pointing out that the fifth door led directly to the statue of Victor the Valiant on the third floor. 

Another... _amazingly entertaining_ hour passed as Snape and Lupin had to stand each other in the same room. When the potion was finally done, they both tipped it back and emerged from Vincent the Valiant's bum a moment later. Sirius stayed in his room. 

Snape, naturally, made his way down to the Potions dungeon, where he was absolutely horrified. His gothic gloom! His sinister shadows! His stifling surroundings! All GONE! Replaced by what could only be termed as... _insane_. He stared, nearly heartbroken at his once-depressing dungeon, now... filled with _laughing_ students. The sound grated on his ears. He wanted to rush into the room and assign detentions! He wanted to _glare_ at a hapless student and make him soil his robes! Severus turned away, his sallow face clouding with rage. It was too much for him to bear.

Meanwhile, one Remus Lupin was padding noiselessly across the halls, past Peeves the Poltergeist (who was busily scribbling on the walls with a large red piece of chalk: 'THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED. ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE'), and gazed into what was formerly _his_ classroom. The near-silence surprised him; not even the teacher was talking. His breath caught in his throat as he noticed the woman who had searched for him and Sirius earlier. _She_ was the professor?

He watched, perplexed and appalled, as Sonores wrote... and wrote... and wrote. Surely she could talk? Sirius had told him that he had distinctly heard her voice before he passed out, so why was she expending all this effort in writing when she could just speak? He shrugged, all the better to see rather than listen, after all. He noticed that she was indeed much like Snape, almost doting on the Slytherins and despising all the other houses. When class was finally dismissed, Lupin returned to the secret chambers, almost knocking Snape over, as the Invisibility Potion hadn't worn off yet. They had a brief scuffle as they became visible in front of Vincent the Valiant's statue, kicking each other sharply in the shins, before approaching footsteps warned them and they hurriedly scrambled back to their temporary abode.

Once they returned to their rooms, they both collapsed, spread-eagled onto their beds and uttered the same words: "My replacement is _horrible!_"

--------------------------------

It was morning at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Our trio of convicts had spent their first night hidden away within their secret rooms of the castle either reading, sleeping, eating, or bickering endlessly. In addition, horror was instilled upon Snape and Lupin in the mere fact that their classes were left in the hands of unworthy replacements.

Ah, well. Look on the bright side: At _least_ there was the absence of fear-inducing hooded creatures guarding their doorways. Besides, in the end, Severus and Remus ended up 'discussing' (more like arguing over) the possible explanations as to why the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor refused to speak to her students.

Meanwhile, a very _different_ trio was busy eating breakfast in the Great Hall...

"...So Malfoy still seems to be in a bit of a _bad_ mood, don't you think?" Ron snickered, glancing over at the said Slytherin. "I wish someone took a picture of the look on his face. That was _great_!"

Hermione rolled her eyes at a boy she considered her friend (much to his dismay), far from admitting that she, too, was amused at Draco's reaction to the previous day's incident. "Well, _I_ thought it was a rather immature prank to play."

"Oh, lighten _up_, would you, Hermione?" Ron retorted. "You found it funny along with the rest of us! Didn't she, Harry?"

Harry, who had been unusually quiet that morning, looked up from his sausage. "Oh. Right," he commented in an offhand manner. It seemed that he was extremely preoccupied at the moment.

Ron sighed and grinned at Harry. "Aw, come on, Harry. Don't let Sonores bother you! It's not like people will blame us for the House Points lost; she really _hates_ Gryffindors. Probably got something to do with being a Slytherin!"

"...Yeah... I guess you're right," the scarred boy admitted, taking a bite out of his buttered toast. The new Slytherin Head of House seemed to take after her predecessor a bit _too_ much for comfort. "Still...why do Slytherins _hate_ everyone else so much?"

Ron simply shrugged in response. "I don't know. Maybe they're all just slimy gits..."

"_RON_! That's an unfair assumption to say about them!" Hermione pointed out, appalled.

"Aw, Hermione, you know it's--" the Weasley boy halted mid-sentence and grinned as hundreds of owls flew into the Great Hall. Owl post. "MAIL'S HERE!"

To his disappointment, the owl had brought him nothing but his subscription to the _Daily Prophet_. The red-haired boy sighed and opened the wizarding newspaper, skimming the front page with little interest as he continued to eat his breakfast.

Ron choked on his orange juice as he read the headline.

"You all right, Ron?" Harry asked, patting his friend on the back.

After recovering from his bout of coughs and splutters, the Weasley boy turned to Harry, eyes wide. "You have GOT to see this!" he shouted as he thrust the _Daily Prophet_ into the brunette's face.

Confused, Harry unfurled the crumpled paper and read:

****

AZKABAN ESCAPEES ON THE LOOSE!

Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Severus Snape, convicts condemned to Azkaban Fortress, have escaped their imprisonment yesterday, January the 16th. The fortress itself had been left in shambles; apparently the three had escaped during a riot in the Mess Hall.

It is widely believed that Black, the most infamous prisoner ever to be held in the fortress, has been in cohorts with fellow Hogwarts alumni Lupin and Snape for years to plan this astonishing breakout. The Ministry of Magic continues to deny any proof of this theory, insisting that the three had no way to stay in contact through Black's many years of imprisonment.

"Personally, I think it's a load of rubbish," said an irritable member of the Magical Law Enforcement Squad. "Everyone knows that followers of You-Know-Who could find ways around Azkaban's defenses with their dark powers."

"Nonsense. No one has the power to infiltrate Azkaban," said the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge late yesterday afternoon. "We are doing all we can to recapture the fugitives. We beg the magical community to remain calm."

Gred Forge, the warden of Azkaban, thinks otherwise. "Those men are armed and dangerous! All of their wands were missing when I came to after a nasty clunk to the head!"

The magical community lives in fear of another massacre like one of twelve years ago, when Black murdered thirteen people with a single curse. Wizards and witches alike are urged to keep a lookout for these three highly dangerous convicts. 

Harry took a look at the pictures of the three convicts. Snape and Lupin appeared just as he remembered them, with the former's greasy black hair and hooked nose and the latter's ill appearance. The one named Sirius Black, however...

This man had a haunted look about him. The slowly blinking, glittering eyes shadowed by his mass of tangled, matted hair were all that truly seemed _alive_ about him. Even his skin had a waxy, unnaturally pale look to them.

"Incredible, isn't it?" Ron asked in awe as Harry handed the article back.

"Sirius Black murdered _thirteen people_ with a single curse?" the scarred one asked of his friend, quite amazed at the prospect.

"YEAH! In broad daylight, too! Muggles and everything..." replied Ron. "And Azkaban is a top security prison. _No one_'s even thought to escape _that_ place. Heard it was really awful..."

"Do you really think that Snape and Lupin were talking with Black for years?" Harry wondered. Sure, SNAPE, he could believe...but _Lupin_? Unfortunately, Ron thought the same.

"I wouldn't put it past old Snape, but _Lupin_..." the red-haired boy trailed off. "He didn't seem like _that_ bad a guy. Being a werewolf changes everything, though..."

"Something doesn't seem right," Hermione butted in with a frown. She had read the article over Harry's shoulder, and was silently contemplating the options. "How could all three of them escape so quickly? No one's _ever_ escaped before...so why now? It's just too odd."

Ron rolled his eyes. "No one knows _that_, Hermione. All _we_ know is that it must have taken a whole lot of power. I don't even _want_ to know what they're able to do...and I hope I never see them again!" He leaned forward to mutter to Harry: "And it'd be a good riddance, too. I _hated_ that unfair git of a Potions professor. I hope they do something _horrible_ to him when they finally catch him."

Hermione simply furrowed her brow in response. The whole ordeal bothered her. Perhaps this calls for a bit of 'light reading' on the island fortress of Azkaban...

"Anyway!" Ron exclaimed in a cheery voice once more, the news of the day set aside for the time being. "What do you think of the Quidditch match coming up, Harry? I know you'll do well again!"

And so, normal conversations arose once more with Harry Potter and his friends... 

--------------------------------

~Back to morning, before Harry and co's discovery~

Lupin bolted upright, panting with fear. He had had a terrible nightmare. He had been forced to eat _vegetables._ Mounds of vegetables. Not a single speck of red meat to be found, or any meat at all, for that matter. Broccoli and carrots and brussels sprouts, finally finishing with... a huge _Christmas fruitcake_. The utter horror of it all made Lupin scream aloud, waking himself up. There was a muffled groaning followed by a thump and a stifled curse; evidently Snape had been startled into consciousness by Lupin's very unmanly shriek. More thumping and cursing could be heard from the room beside Lupin's, followed by the sound of a door opening and closing. The door to Remus's room abruptly slammed open, and framed in the doorway stood a very disheveled, very grumpy Severus Snape.

"Why, hello, Severus," Lupin said calmly, having recovered from his nightmares a few moments before. "Shall I sing you a lullaby?"

The permanent scowl on Snape's features deepened, if that was possible. "I would appreciate it if you kept your no-doubt childish nightmares to yourself, Lupin. Other people are trying to get their beauty rest. _Good Night!_" Another resounding slam, and the sound of angry stomping could be heard making its way into Snape's room. A minute later there was another muffled thump and a string of curses that would have impressed the most hardened of sailors; Snape had apparently stubbed his toe on his bed. 

Lupin chuckled and took a look at the mini-snow dome on his dresser. It contained a miniature model of Hogwarts and the surrounding grounds, and was filled with light at the moment. It seemed to be morning. Deciding he'd slept enough, Lupin got up and started searching the small library of books that lined one wall of his room. He selected a book with a dull green cover entitled _A Guide to Things That Go Bump In the Night_ by Ghustav Coriander. The moment he opened it, a face stretched from the pages and tried to kill him, judging from the way it kept snapping its jaws. Lupin gave it a smart slap on the cheek and kept reading. The book kept him occupied until a small bell chime interrupted his thoughts. 

Looking up, he noticed that the room's small table, formerly barren, was now occupied by a huge meat loaf. His stomach growled, reminding him that he hadn't eaten in twenty-four hours, since his escape from Azkaban. Dropping the book and practically pouncing on the meat loaf, he quickly devoured it and leaned back, contented.

In the room beside him, Severus Snape looked with a small measure of disbelief at _his_ table. It was piled high with food... but not exactly the kind of food he enjoyed. Snape had awoken expecting a bottle of aged wine and fine platters of gourmet food... But what the _hell_ was this? The devoted author follows the greasy git's horrified gaze, and discovers... 

Mounds of vegetables. Not a single speck of red meat to be found, or any meat at all, for that matter. Broccoli and carrots and brussels sprouts, finally finishing with... a huge _Christmas fruitcake_. One of Snape's eyes twitched spasmodically before he picked up his fork and poked the fruitcake with a measure of trepidation. The fork made a tinkling noise and bounced off and away from the cake. A tic began to form in Snape's cheek. He poked harder, determined to puncture the cake and at least devour its (presumably) slightly more palatable insides. At his fifth poke, there was a loud twing as the fork snapped at the head, sending the tined bit speeding like a miniature trident at Snape's head. He threw himself desperately to the side as the beheaded fork whizzed past his ear and embedded itself, quivering in the wall. Snape stared openmouthed at the kitchen utensil that had nearly sent him to an early grave, then back at the fruitcake.

A grin slowly spread across his sallow features. Perhaps he could find some silver lining in this rain cloud...

Sirius Black was still sleeping peacefully, undisturbed by nightmares or titanium fruitcakes. A multitude of sandwiches stood ready for eating should he awaken, although it didn't look like he would be doing so any time soon. A faint snore escaped his prone form, before...

Black's eyes flew open as something akin to a Bludger smashed into his solar plexus, knocking the wind out of him completely. He rolled out of bed and onto the floor, clutching his chest and gasping for air. Another wedge-like missile smacked the back of his head, nearly knocking him out. He managed to reach his pillow and held it in front of him as an impromptu shield. When no further missiles were hurled in his direction, he peeked cautiously out behind the fluffy barrier. 

Severus Snape stood, grinning and tossing a section of fruitcake from hand to hand. It looked to be _quite_ as hard on the inside as on the outside, although a well-placed Dividing Curse had split it into three sections. He beaned Sirius on the head again with the last piece of fruitcake, sending the convict back into dreamland. He nonchalantly grabbed one of Black's sandwiches and hungrily devoured it. In fact, it wasn't long before all the sandwiches were gone. With a distinctly smug-looking shrug, Snape turned and returned to his own room, leaving poor Sirius Black with three rock-hard fruitcake sections. Perhaps a dog would be able to eat them...

Unaware of each other's motives, Lupin and Snape both downed another draught of Invisibility Potion (Snape had brewed an entire cauldronful for each of them) and left the secret chambers to make a run of the school. Each carried with him another beaker of the stuff, in case it should wear off. Of course, it was pure coincidence that Lupin set off towards the Potions dungeon, while Snape made his way towards what was now deemed by the Gryffindors as Sonores Territory. 

Snape strode purposefully through the hallways of Hogwarts, even though he didn't really have a purpose. He passed the Charms classroom, where poor Professor Flitwick was unsuccessfully trying to teach his students Banishing Charms. From the way several quills and ink bottle shards were embedded into the walls, Snape thought that the students were being a bit too enthusiastic. If it had been _himself_ teaching the class, everyone who had made a mistake would be serving hard cold detention. Alas, his current status (courtesy of the werewolf, Snape thought darkly) rendered him unable to administer justice to the ignorant. With a small sigh, he turned, about to roam the halls once more...

And abruptly collided head-on with Argus Filch, sending the school caretaker sprawling. Snape himself barely kept his footing, teetering precariously before slipping past Filch and beating a quick retreat down a side hallway. 

Filch sprang to his feet, a vein on his forehead pulsing dangerously. His eyes buldged even more than usual as he shouted his war cry, "**_Peeves!!!_**" and set off running down the corridors, hoping to catch a glimpse of the poltergeist. Mrs. Norris yowled angrily and her tail lashed from side to side, perhaps remembering other encounters with people who could be smelled but not seen, and followed Filch.

Snape wiped his suddenly sweaty brow with the back of his hand, breathing a sigh of relief. He continued to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, where it was pleasantly silent. The irritatingly loud chatter and laughter that had once pervaded the classroom was gone, replaced by a grim, serious manner. Snape gazed in, unknowingly in the exact same place that Lupin had stood the day before. Snape, however, was _very_ pleased with what he saw. 

Terrified students! Detentions! Points shaved off by the tens and twenties! It was almost like watching himself teach. A warm and fuzzy feeling swelled in Snape's chest, it seemed as if DADA had finally been taken over by the Slytherin head, in a certain way. He watched in vindictive pleasure as Justin Finch-Fletchley failed to answer a question and ten points were promptly removed from Hufflepuff. A woman after his own black, twisted heart.

Something was wrong about the teacher, though. Snape stared hard at the woman, trying to make out what was wrong. His mind kept shying away from the subject; he would suddenly find himself thinking about something else, for no discernable reason. Concentrating hard, he managed to break through the glamorie that surrounded the professor and gasped, his eyes widening: Professor Sonores was a Banshee!

Remus Lupin was about as unconcerned as one can get about the fact that his former subject was being taught by a Banshee, being, after all, completely unaware of that little tidbit. To him, Professor Sonores was just a beautiful, if extremely grumpy and ill-tempered teacher. In fact, Lupin was busy trying to think of ways to clear his name; he didn't intend on spending the rest of his days a fugitive from justice, confined to a small room at Hogwarts, unable to emerge except under the cover of invisibility.

He was so concerned with the problem of proving his (rather questionable) innocence that he didn't notice that he had passed through the Bloody Baron until he began shivering uncontrollably, feeling as if he had been dipped upside-down into the Northern Sea that surrounded Azkaban. The Baron turned to face Lupin, apparently aware of the werewolf's presence.

"What troubles you so, young werewolf?" the gaunt specter croaked, the opaque blood on his robes glinting in the sunlight. "Perhaps you too can sense He who comes on silver wings? The one the living once knew as the Heir?" The Slytherin ghost chuckled darkly, splashing more blood onto his already stained robes.

Lupin shook his head, confused. He didn't understand a word of what the Bloody Baron was saying, and was distinctly troubled by the fact that the Baron had no trouble whatsoever in seeing him. That, of course, meant that all the ghosts in Hogwarts (with the possible exception of Peeves) could see him, Sirius, and Snape, whether they took the Invisibility Potion or not. He made a hasty excuse and walked quickly down the hall.

Without realizing it, he was suddenly in front of the Potions dungeon. But something was wrong... for one thing, the door was open, and second, (Lupin could hardly believe his ears) he could hear _laughter_. It was a sound so utterly, completely alien to the usually dank and depressing dungeons that Lupin actually pinched himself to convince himself that he wasn't dreaming. He had to pinch himself harder once he peered inside the classroom.

A large disco ball hung from the ceiling and bright pink and neon yellow ribbons fluttered on the walls. Three couples were busy snogging in the corners, and something that looked positively evil was bubbling in a collosal cauldron at the center of the room. Every so often a bubble rose high into the air and popped, filling the air with a sickeningly sweet aroma. And at the middle of it all, stirring the huge pot, was Professor D. An amused twinkling spark that reminded Lupin strongly of Albus Dumbledore danced in the man's eyes as he laughed warmly, handing out cauldron cakes from a large pile that sat at his feet. 

__

Severus **would** be horrified, Remus thought idly as a grin started to stretch across his face. Lupin _liked_ the new Potions Master. 

The class ended all too soon, as Nad ladled small amounts of the now bright pink potion from the huge cauldron at the center of the room into small vials and distributed it to his students with a friendly wink. 

"Remember, students. The Love Potion will only work for one hour, and you'll fall heads over heels for the first person you see after you drink the potion, whether male or female. So be careful, kids," the teacher said casually. "...and this is _our little secret_, okay?"

The whole class nodded excitedly and hid the neon pink vials in their pockets, chuckling rather insanely. Marcus Flint in particular, looked like he was about to collapse in a spasm of joy right then and there. Gossiping like sparrows, the students slowly filed out of the dungeon, followed by Lupin, who took another draught of the Invisibility Potion, just to be on the safe side.

--------------------------------

By the time Lupin returned to his rooms behind Vincent the Valiant, Sirius Black had awoken from his rather _unfortunate_ bump to the head. He was lounging around on his bed, skimming through a book called _Prefects Who Gained Power_. Three rock hard wedges of fruitcake lie forgotten in a dark corner of the room. Lupin arched an inquisitive eyebrow at his old friend.

"What are you still doing here? I thought you'd be out remembering how to get around Hogwarts again..."

"And drink more of _that_ stuff?!" Sirius exclaimed, motioning towards the cauldron full of Invisibility Potion. "Are you _nuts_? I'm not taking any more than I _have_ to."

Lupin sighed at Black's unwilling attitude and plopped down onto the floor. If only there were more to _do_ in this hole of a hiding place! So, to make himself at least a LITTLE less bored, the werewolf decided to play a game of Exploding Snap.

It wasn't until about 15 or 20 minutes later when he realized a member of the Trio was missing. But before he could even voice the question of where Snape could be, the man had stormed right in, approaching Lupin with no hesitation.

"Why didn't you _say_ she was a Banshee, werewolf?" he demanded, eyes narrowed and the all-too-familiar sneer gracing his features.

"Banshee? What are you..." Lupin trailed off as he put two and two together and figured Snape was talking about Sonores. "...Oh. A _banshee_, Severus? Don't you think she's a bit too..._filled in_ for a banshee?" he asked, referring to her rather curvy figure.

Snape merely glared in response. "Perhaps she had decided to ingest surplus calories before teaching," he stated in an icy, matter-of-factly tone, completely ignoring the fact that Sonores has an actual figure. "Unless you are merely defending another **_dark creature_** such as yourself, _werewolf_. Your kind tends to band together, after all."

"Only as much as you Death Eaters band together, _Snapy_."

Snape scowled. "We _don't_ band together, Lupin."

Lupin smiled pleasantly. "Exactly!"

The only response from the former Death Eater was his deepened scowl. He then proceeded to...abruptly change the subject.

"I do not trust the banshee. I am going to..._speak_ with her tonight to see if I can get anything out of her," he stated, quite plainly. It didn't matter what his companions had to say about the subject--he was going to do it anyway.

"Have a good time with Professor Sonores, Severus. Don't come in too late!" Lupin responded cheerfully with a suggestive wink.

Needless to say, Snape was flabbergasted. "_WHAT_ are you suggesting, werewolf?" he demanded in a deadly, calm tone.

"Oh, _nothing_," Remus replied in that _way_-too-cheerful tone. "I'm _so_ glad you finally found someone you belong with, Severus!"

The hook-nosed convict snarled at the cheery werewolf, striding over to the convenient fruitcake wedges and hurling one at Lupin's head. Unfortunately, he didn't expect this, and thus, would not be waking anytime soon due to the nasty bump he'd just acquired. With a smirk, Snape turned to grab another vial of Invisibility Potio--

"Will you two shut the _hell_ up?!" Sirius shouted from the bed. "I'm trying to _read_ something he--"

Since Black was not paying attention to the argument, he ended up getting beaned with a fruitcake wedge for the fourth time that day. 

Snape silently approached Sonores's office. His invisibility potion was nearly used up, just as he had planned. Luckily, he had no unfortunate run-ins with Mrs. Norris or any of the ghosts, so it was a fairly smooth ride after he had gotten his companions out of the way for the night. All he had to do was slip into the Defense Against the Dark Arts office and wait for the potion to wear off completely.

And that was exactly what he did whilst trying to convince himself that he was **_not_** staring at her body.

She was grading papers when he had appeared before her. Seemed to be marking down an awful lot of Fs, especially for the Gryffindors. Still, however much he approved of her teaching methods, Dark Creatures were untrustworthy in _his_ book.

Sonores snapped her head up sharply as Snape slammed a hand palm-flat onto her desk (much like he does to intimidate students) and opened her mouth to demand who it was...

Only to choke back her voice as she got a good look at the person before her. He was not a student...rather, he was a full-grown man. A full-grown man in a muggle Armani suit, snazzy pants, and...fluffy pink _earmuffs_?

"_Nice outfit_," she hissed sarcastically, expecting the man before her to fall to the floor.

Snape, however, showed no signs of understanding the woman. After a moment or two of glaring, he opened his mouth to speak in the iciest, most intimidating tone he could muster: "If you think these ridiculous earmuffs are purely for _show_, you are sadly mistaken. Start writing if you wish to communicate."

Sonores hesitated, matching Snape's glare with an emotionless gaze. She slowly stood and picked up a piece of chalk, turning to the board to write out her statements. "**What do you want? You have no place here.**"

"Do you not think I am _fully_ aware of that, banshee?" he sneered impatiently. "What business have you with taking a job _here_?"

"**Whatever do you mean? I'm simply here to teach.**"

"Don't _avoid_ the subject," he snapped in a suspicious tone. "I know you're here on higher orders."

She paused. "**I have no idea what you are accusing me of, Death Eater, but I do not appreciate convicts such as yourself storming into MY office to thwart me of my nonexistent plans. I suggest you leave immediately before I notify the staff and proper authorities.**"

Severus's scowl slowly melted into a hint of a smirk. "Stay away from that _Potter_ boy, banshee. He is _not_ worthy of your killing shrieks," he hissed as he seemed to melt away into the shadows (in actuality, he simply left the room, turned the corner, and gulped down his second vial of invisibility potion).

But as Snape left, he couldn't help but have that nagging feeling that they were being watched...

----MWAAR. PAGE BREAK.----

Harry watched from beneath the safety of his invisibility cloak, wide-eyed, as Snape slithered out of Sonores's office and downed some sort of potion before disappearing. _Snape? HERE? AT HOGWARTS?!?!_ he thought, panicking. He was a murderous _convict_, now. And not only that, but he was rumored to be allied with the infamous Sirius Black.

On top of that, what _was_ that conversation he just had with Sonores? Harry? Not worthy of killing shrieks? Could it be that _Snape_ wanted to kill _Harry_ for himself?

With unsettling thoughts and fear heavy in his heart, the Potter boy hurried back to his dorm in Gryffindor Tower. He was already regretting trying out his Christmas present from an anonymous stranger...

----PAGE BREAK!!!!----

Snape tripped into the Vincent the Valiant statue, panting and red-faced. He had to dash clear across the school due to an unfortunate run-in with Peeves. It was _difficult_ to get out of the hall before the poltergeist could get a chance to shout anything...

Thank Merlin for Filch's sudden appearance. 

...On second thought, damn Merlin to hell for the Armani.

The greasy-haired git trudged back to his rooms, exhausted. He wasted no time in kicking off his shoes and moved to collapse right onto his bed--

"Why, _hello_, Severus!" called a cheerful voice from the doorway. The figure taking in his appearance noted the ruffled hair and reddened face. "Did you have _fun_ tonight?

--------------------------------

This is...our longest chapter. We'll try not to write any more as long as this. XD So yeah. On a side note....Believe it or not, we still have a lot to get done. XD Aren't you devastated?

Chapter End


	7. Chapter 7: Voldie at the Quidditch Pitch

Title: The Convict Trio and the Wings of the Heir (7/?)

Name: Voldie For Prez

Email: hsfnww@yahoo.com

Category: Humor

Keywords: Lupin, Snape, Sirius, Merlin, Armani

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: All Four Books, FB

Summary: AU fic. Lupin and Snape get into a fight at lunch. Eventually hauled off to Azkaban, they escape (with Sirius Black in tow) and set off to clear their names. Includes a teacher named Nads, Voldie playing Quidditch, snazzy Armani suits, Merlin's sense of humor, stinkbomb potions, but only a tiny bit of snogging. We're so sorry. 

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. Sonores and Nads are ours.

Author's Note: We'd.. umm.. like to thank JKR, fer making the incredibly diverse world that we mold like putty and make fanfics out of. Lari would like to thank Kels for getting her started in Harry Potter RPing. BTW, we're two people, really. I'm Akane and that's Lari. *points to invisible people* Her AIM is eyeKEELyuu and mine is Scary BogMonster. Err.. that's pretty much it. XD Lari would like to say...'MWAAR! Yah, we're crazy.' Visit our equally crazy RPG at http://www.geocities.com/hsfnww/index2.html XD XD

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Chapter 7: Voldie at the Quidditch Pitch

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Lari's AN: XD...And now, what we've all been anticipating! Voldemort Plays Quidditch, just not in the way you'd first think. Enjoy our insanity. O_o; Er...by the way...I hope you haven't been taking us too seriously up to here. This whole fic is somewhat of a mockery. XD

Akane's AN: ...We eat reviews. Really. We do. We need more to keep surviving. Sometimes, human flesh just isn't enough, you know. :D

This chapter is a lot shorter than the last; it's pretty much devoted to the Quidditch match.

This chapter is dedicated to the !s, who selflessly gave their lives to make this fic a better read. Please do not ask if you feel that you are missing something...for you are. :D 

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Harry trudged to breakfast the next morning, numb with his newly-obtained information. After a sleepless night, no matter how much he tried to convince himself, the boy had finally admitted that what he had witnessed was _real_, _not_ a dream as he'd like to believe. _Why_ was Snape after him? _What_ was he after? Was he following _VOLDEMORT_'s orders? He _had_ been warned that there was a large chance the Dark Lord was still alive, after all...

These troubled thoughts were batted relentlessly about his mind as he ate his breakfast in a daze with stiff, zombielike movements.

That is, of course, until someone spilt her orange juice on Harry.

"Oh! I'm sorry, Harry!" Hermione exclaimed, helping to clean up the mess she had made. "I tripped...didn't mean it."

"...It's okay. Don't mention it," he replied blankly. He vaguely realized that he'd have to change before he played in the day's Quidditch match.

Hermione gave Harry an uncertain look. "Are you all right, Harry? You don't look so good..."

"HEY! HARRY!" A voice shouted jovially from behind the two. It was Ron. "We're gonna beat down Ravenclaw in today's Quidditch match, ri--" The red-haired boy cut off his sentence as he got a good look of his best friend. "...Uh...Harry...are you okay?"

Potter sighed at his two friends. "...No. No, I'm not all right," he began. He quickly cut off the two as they opened their mouths to speak. "I have something to tell you, just not _here_. I'll tell you after breakfast."

And so, their meal went by in worried silence, speaking only to say that they'll discuss 'matters' in the library. Oliver Wood was, of course, urging all of his Quidditch players to eat well for the game, oblivious to how his Seeker currently felt. As the Trio speedwalked out of the room, Harry couldn't help but notice the piercing stares he kept receiving from a certain banshee...

All was quiet in Hogwarts's extensive library. Luckily for the Trio, they seemed to be the only ones present that Saturday morning. They had chosen a quiet, secluded corner, keeping their voices at low whispers so as not to alarm Madam Pince.

"So what's wrong, Harry?" Ron whispered as Harry hesitated in telling his tale.

"Well..." Potter began slowly. "You probably won't believe this at first, but I saw something last night when I tried out my invisibility cloak--"

"HARRY!" Hermione spat out in an urgent, horrified whisper. "You _snuck out at night_ when you knew you were breaking school rules? Why on earth did you do _that_?!"

Ron simply rolled his eyes. "That's not the point, Hermione! Let him tell his story! Geez, live a little...Go on, Harry."

Harry hesitated before continuing. "I went to go see Sonores. I...just...well, my scar burned when she stared at me at the team's practice session the other day. I wanted to know what she was up to," he explained, feeling rather lame about it.

"You wouldn't _believe_ who else I saw in her office." Harry sighed at Hermione's and Ron's expectant looks. "It was _Snape_."

"_**SNAPE**_?!" Ron burst out without thinking, receiving a sharp glare from Madam Pince. He laughed nervously and lowered his voice back down to a whisper. "Are you _sure_ it was that slimy git? He _can't_ be stupid enough to come _here_ after escaping Azkaban, can he?"

Hermione, however, said nothing, seemingly lost in thought as Harry continued to speak.

"I'm _positive_ it was Snape. He was threatening Sonores about something...told her that 'the Potter boy is unworthy of your killing shrieks,'" Harry explained, recalling the Potions Master's warning. He related the entire story to his two friends, finishing up with: "He called her a _banshee_, Ron."

"A _banshee_?" Ron asked incredulously. He thought about that a bit, his mouth turning downwards into a frown. "Well, the whole story explains a lot..."

"It makes _perfect_ sense!" Hermione suddenly piped up. "She isn't talking because she _can't_, but, rather, she isn't talking because she _won't_. If she speaks, she'll _kill_ us and blow her cover."

"Yeah, what great _that_ does for Harry," Ron muttered. "What do we do? Snape doesn't sound like he's trying to protect you, you know," he said to Harry.

"Exactly my thought," the brunette replied with a dejected sigh.

"Well, we _can't_ just sit here! Harry is in considerable danger! We'll have to tell Headmaster Dumbledore or Professor McGonagall about this..."

"Oh, yeah, _right_, Hermione," Ron muttered sarcastically. "Dumbledore's gone right now, remember? He got an owl from Fudge asking how to handle the Augerey population in Scotland and he's left to sort it out... And who will believe us, anyway? You heard it yourself; Snape's using something to make him _invisible_. How can we prove _that_?"

Quite frankly, Hermione's confident grin _frightened_ Ron. "Harry has an invisibility cloak, right?" Her two friends gave her a wary look. "We'll _use_ it, then. _I'll_ do some research to try and figure out just _what_ Snape is using as an invisibility potion. _You_ can keep a lookout for anything suspicious and be sure to follow his footsteps back to his hiding spot." With that, she abruptly turned away to search the shelves of books for something useful.

Ron and Harry gave each other wide-eyed stares as Hermione stalked off in search of reading material. "...You think she's _finally_ lightening up? Scarily brilliant, she is..." Ron said in a hushed whisper as the two stood to leave the library. 

--------------------------------

Severus Snape was unaware of the fact that anybody in the school except for Dumbledore, Sonores, and the escaped convicts knew of his presence. Had he known that at that very moment, Harry Potter and his friends were plotting on how to discover and reveal him, he would certainly have been grumpier than he was at the moment. Not that he wasn't already extremely grumpy, but...

Still wearing his _pink_ fuzzy earmuffs (although he was invisible, so they were slightly less embarrassing than before), Snape once more made his way down to Sonores's office. Quickly jimmying the lock and slipping inside, he looked around carefully. The standard fireplace and mirror were still there, along with a few exotic-looking artifacts that, despite looking extremely suspicious, where not dark artifacts. Much to Snape's disappointment. With a bad-tempered scowl he jerked open the doors of the cupboard that stood in the corner, revealing..

A few goat eyeballs floating in unidentified liquid. Suspicious, yes, but as a Potions Master Snape had handled more than a few goat eyes in his time, as they could work in place of bezoars (albeit not as well) and were much easier to find. His scowl deepened as he swooped (had to use that) across the room, opening drawers and cabinets without regard for personal privacy at all. What a perv Snape is. :D

After going through what had to be a dozen packs of Exploding Snap that were stuffed into a desk, Snape spouted a long string of frustrated curses and turned on his heel, stomping out of the room. Normally, it would have inspired fear as his cape billowed dramatically in the wind, but as he was wearing an Armani suit.. Snape ended up showing off his ass as he walked quickly away, his eyes on the ground. Finding Mrs. Norris sunbathing on the way, he kicked her viciously, sending her yowling out the window. Looks like she used up one of her nine lives right there. :P

Poor Snape. If only he had searched behind that last pack of cards, he would have seen... Ah, but we can't tell you yet. You'll find out soon enough. 

--------------------------------

While Snape was busy rooting around in Sonores' office, Lupin had finally convinced Sirius to drink a draught of the mud-like Invisibility Potion and follow him to the Quidditch pitch. Dumbledore had procured two pairs of Omnioculars, and, safely hidden _on top_ of the canopy that covered the teacher's seats, they watched as the students filed into their seats, slowly filling up the huge stadium. Remus noted that the Gryffindors held large red and gold banners, while the Ravenclaws proudly sported blue and bronze. Hufflepuff was evenly divided, and Slytherin... were waving _green and silver_ flags. Lupin sighed. It seemed that some things stayed the same over the years.

A dull roar rose and a flurry of applause greeted the Quidditch teams as they stepped out from the behind the huge double doors. Lee Jordan's voice, amplified by the Sonorus Charm on his megaphone, roared out across the stands.

"_Welcome_, ladies and gentlemen, to the third Quidditch match of the year!" he shouted, as the red and blue-robed teams met on the ground far below. "Today's match is Gryffindor Vs Ravenclaw, and you can already tell it's a great day for Quidditch!" Indeed, the sun had peeked out from behind the clouds, flooding the world with its glow.

Down at the ground, Oliver Wood and Roger Davies grinned at each other as they shook hands, although they were belied by the interesting series of cracks and pops that issued from each other's hands. After a while, both stepped back, nursing their injured hands. Glaring daggers at each other now, they mounted their broomsticks, ready to kick off the moment Madam Hooch blew her whistle.

Harry watched as Hooch opened the box containing the four Quidditch balls, releasing them. She blew the whistle just as the Bludgers started to curve and rocket towards them. Fred Weasley batted one towards Roger Davies, slamming it into the boy's belly. Roger almost fell off his broomstick from the point-blank blow, but there was nothing against it in the rules, and play continued as usual. Harry hovered high above the crowd, on the lookout for a flash of gold.

Lee Jordan was making fun of Davies, who had yet to block a single goal. It seemed that the trio of Bell, Johnson and Spinnet was too much for him to handle, and he spun around on his broom in a futile attempt to catch them. Noticing Oliver Wood snickering on the other side of the field, Davies promptly flipped the bird at Wood. The Gryffindor Quidditch Captain sped across the field, his eyes glinting with obvious malicious intent, but stopped and turned around halfway; the Ravenclaw Chasers were speeding towards the unprotected scoring hoops and they put in two goals before Wood arrived to stop them. The score was 20 to 50, Gryffindor lead.

Sirius had kept his eyes on Harry at first, but he soon found that the boy was in his element and his gaze strayed to other things. Fiddling with his Omnioculars, he found a very attractive pair of seventh years snogging busily beneath the stands. _They don't seem like the type to swing that way,_ Sirius thought with a mental shrug. He pressed a knob on the side and a slip of paper jutted out from the bottom of the Omnioculars. Sirius quickly slipped the picture of the snogging girls into his Armani suit's inner pocket, grinning. His Omnioculars came in handy through the rest of the match as he watched the lovely young girls. Hey, a man can't stay in prison for eleven years and not have certain... urges, y'know.

Harry's search for the Snitch wasn't going too well... Then he noticed it: hovering almost in the exact center of the field was the Golden Snitch. Harry didn't waste time thinking; he dove towards it as fast as he could, determined to catch it before Ravenclaw's Seeker, Cho Chang. (*dansu* Yes, she's already Seeker.) He was about three yards away and he could almost feel the cold metal grasped in his fingers when the Snitch suddenly rocketed towards _him_. He stretched out his hand to grab it but the golden ball slapped his hand aside through pure velocity. Harry winced as a sudden pain burst on his forehead as well as his hand, and his other hand came up to feel at his scar.

Apparently the Snitch had noticed Harry's preoccupation, for it turned and hovered for a moment before rocketing at his head. Harry's eyes widened as he jerked the broom upward in a desperate burst of speed, but the Snitch slammed solidly into his right leg, cracking the bone. Harry's eyes watered with pain, from his scar, from his hand, and now from his leg. He wondered why he had never before considered how much harm the Snitch could do if it wanted to. It was certainly much faster than the Bludgers and judging from the cuts on Harry's robes, its wings had become bladed.

The Snitch dodged Cho's attempt to grab it and buzzed angrily once more towards Harry. This time he was ready. He snapped his hand out just as it came within grabbing distance and caught it firmly in his hand. He could feel it fluttering futilely against his hand as it had countless times in practice. Only this time, the Snitch's wings seemed to be made out of small knives, cutting deep into his hand. Harry released the golden ball with a cry of pain, and an anxious roar rose from the Gryffindor section of the crowd. Hooch blew her whistle, signaling that Harry hadn't kept hold of it. The game went on.

Lupin shook his head. What on earth was Harry doing? He had caught the Snitch... and then released it. Now he was actually fleeing from it. The only people who hadn't yet noticed were the Ravenclaw and Gryffindor beaters, who were too busy fending off the Bludgers to pay much attention to the rest of the game. Remus slowed down the speed on his Omnioculars and hit the replay button. The Snitch was caught in Harry's hand, it's wings beating helplessly as it always did... and slicing Harry's hand to ribbons?! He elbowed Sirius sharply, directing his attention to Harry. Black's eyes widened with fear as he saw Harry being... err... mercilessly abused (?) by the crazed winged ball.

Harry barely dodged the Snitch as it came for him again. All the other players had stopped, staring as the Gryffindor Seeker desperately _avoided_ the Snitch. It buzzed past his head, and Harry could have sworn he heard a voice. 

"_Damn you boooooooyyyy..._" it said, the voice fading as the Snitch flashed past him. Harry's eyes widened: was the Snitch possessed? That certainly would explain the thing's suddenly dangerous temperament. There was only one way to find out... a determined look settled across his features as he turned around to face the maddened Snitch.

...Only it wasn't there. Harry looked around, but there was no glimmer of gold from reflected sunlight. Turning a full circle, he was still unable to catch even a glimpse of the rogue Snitch. Oliver Wood stared back at him and shrugged, as perplexed as Harry.

Suddenly, a Bludger slammed into the small of his back, nearly breaking it. Harry gasped in agony, a hand flying reflexively to his back. The black ball flew away, searching for a new target. But the damage had been done. An angry buzzing was all the warning he got before the Snitch, obviously sensing its target's vulnerability, smashed with a burst of speed straight into his scar.

Blinding pain burst in Harry's body, radiating from his scar as colored lights danced in his vision. He nearly lost consciousness, but he just barely managed to keep control of his broom as the Snitch buzzed away, preparing for another charge. But his plan stayed in his mind, and his emerald green eyes burned with determination as the Snitch rocketed in for what was obviously the final blow.

Just as the Snitch roared towards his forehead, Harry flew up again, catching the blow in his stomach. He nearly fainted from the pain as the ball's sharp wings cut at his belly, but he grit his teeth and managed to wrap his loose robes firmly around the madly struggling Snitch, ignoring the pain that blossomed in his scar. A muffled voice from the Harry's belly hissed angrily at him,

"_Let me go, boy! Dammit, I said **let me go**!!!_"

Harry peeked into what lay at the center of his robes and fainted dead away. For what lay imprinted on the back of the Snitch, tiny, but unmistakable, was the stuff of Harry's nightmares.

The face of Lord Voldemort.

The Bludger that had smacked Harry now gave Oliver Wood a tremendous clout on the back of his head, sending the boy careening out of control. Wood lost consciousness and dropped twenty feet onto the teacher's seats, right onto Professor >D's lap. The faint tinkling sound of broken glass could be heard as the twenty-something Stink Potions stored in Nad's front pocket shattered. 

A mad rush to escape the Quidditch pitch began as everyone but the teachers avoided the noxious gas. Lupin spotted Harry's falling form and, unable to stop himself, pulled out his wand and roared, "_Impedimenta!_" Harry immediately slowed and then stopped, hanging in midair. Sirius nearly jumped off of the canopy to try and get to Harry, but Lupin grabbed the collar of his suit in time to stop him from leaping off the edge. 

"We're nearly out of time, we have to get back!" Remus hissed in Black's ear. Sirius took one last look at Harry, hanging helplessly in the air, and finally reluctantly nodded and turned away from him. Madam Hooch flew up on her broomstick, her yellow hawk's eyes filled with concern. Voldiesnitch had disappeared. Harry was hauled to the hospital wing, where Madam Pomfrey clucked her tongue softly, shaking her head. While his wounds were bandaged, she muttered darkly about dangerous sports and reckless flying.

Harry regained consciousness a while later, not noticing the cards and presents (including a toilet seat) beside his bed. He lay still, contemplating how his life had changed so much in the past week. Professor Lupin and Snape had been sent to Azkaban and had escaped, along with the murderer Sirius Black. He had seen Snape BACK in Hogwarts, obviously intending on killing him. He had seen Lord Voldemort's face in the Golden Snitch. Harry spent a sleepless night trying to link them together somehow. Hours later, the sun shone through the window on the slumbering face of Harry Potter, lost in his dreams and nightmares.

Even Madam Pomfrey was dozing lightly in her chair, her head nodding slowly. Nobody noticed a large black dog trot in and gaze sadly at the boy lying asleep on the hospital bed. It barked softly before turning and striding out again, pausing at the doorway to gaze wistfully over its shoulder at Harry. Then it was gone.

--------------------------------

Harry awoke to the sound of Madam Pomfrey's protests. After a painstakingly long night, he _had_ been able to get a smidgen of rest, after all. Too bad it was all for naught, since the voices just outside his room were getting louder...

"Five minutes, Madam Pomfrey! We'll only be _five minutes_..."

"Could you please let us in, Madam Pomfrey? We won't be long."

An angry huff. "My patient needs his rest! He's received over ten major injuries and can't be expected to heal with so people nagging him to speak all the time!"

It went on just like this for a few minutes until the Nurse finally relented with a shout of "_ONLY_ FIVE MINUTES!" Harry groggily pulled himself to a sitting position, grimacing at his aching body as Ron and Hermione rushed in.

"HARRY!" they both shouted simultaneously as they sat about his hospital bed.

"That was one _bloody_ good game you played out there!" Ron exclaimed with a wide grin. "_Bloody_ amazing, it was!"

Hermione snorted incredulously. "Honestly!* Is Quidditch all you can think about? It was _horrible_, Ron!" She turned to Harry with a concerned look. "Was that Snitch _beating_ you out there?"

Harry slowly nodded, face drained of all color. "That was no ordinary Snitch. What did Madam Hooch do with it, anyway?"

Ron gave Harry an uneasy look. "Well...actually...the Snitch _disappeared_ after you passed out. Flew straight up out of the field before anybody could do anything. Hooch had to order a new one from Quality Quidditch Supplies. But you won us the game!" he exclaimed with a forced grin, obviously hiding something.

Hermione took the opportunity to whisper to her raven-haired friend. "His rat, you know, Scabbers? He ran off and got lost in the rush to get out when Professor Nad's Stink Potions exploded. Ron hasn't been able to find him since. He's very upset, even if he won't admit it..."

Harry frowned and changed the subject, sensing Ron's discomfort. "That Snitch was _definitely_ attacking me, though. Its wings were _sharp_. I'm pretty sure it was...trying to _kill_ me."

"Don't be ridiculous, Harry!" Hermione tried to reassure. "The only way the Snitch would do that is if someone cursed it. I didn't see anyone muttering incantations in the crowd--"

"No! It's not _that_. Hermione, there was a _face_ on that Snitch!" Hermione and Ron both gave him an odd look. "I'm pretty sure it was _Voldemort_."

Ron flinched away from Harry. "DON'T SAY HIS NAME!" he hissed, face pale with fear. 

"Oh. Sorry..." Harry said apologetically, before returning to his story. "But it was a _face_! It spoke to me...told me to let him go. It..." He lowered his voice after glancing about the room, as if he expected Death Eaters . "It was the _same exact voice_ I remember. High and cold..."

Hermione's eyes widened. "If the Snitch really _was_ You-Know-Who, then you're in more danger than we originally thought. And not only that..." Here, she broke into a small, encouraging smile. "Some good news! Ron and I both heard Professor Lupin's voice shouting an incantation. He must have been using an item of invisibility, himself. He _stopped your fall off your broom_, Harry!"

"Really? But that means..."

"He's still on _our_ side!" Ron piped up. "He must have seen Black and Snape escaping and followed them to _stop_ them. Maybe he _didn't_ deserve Azkaban, after all?

"Are you sure it was him?" Harry asked, relief flooding him now that he knew that there was one less person trying to kill him.

"Absolutely positive," Hermione replied with the utmost confidence. "By the way...I haven't been able to find anything on Invisibility Potions or Draughts in the library. Our only hope is the restricted section. It _must_ be in there," she said firmly. "We'll need _your_ invisibility cloak to fetch the books we need."

Harry nodded. They were actually _getting_ somewhere with all of this, after all. "Don't worry. We can use my clo--"

"ALL RIGHT! Time's up!" shouted Madam Pomfrey's angry voice from the doorway. "You've had an entire _**six**_ minutes! Out! OUT! _Leave my patient to rest_!"

Ron and Hermione both sighed and gave their friend an encouraging smile. "Hey! Make sure you take a look at the cards and gifts. I got you a few chocolate frogs, you know," Ron said.

"Good luck finding Scabbers, Ron," Harry said as he lay back down. Ron's face fell almost immediately.

"...I'll look out for him. Get well soon, Harry. And be _careful_?

With bids of farewell, his two friends left the boy to sleep his injuries away. Hermione had a small smile on her face. The brunette's fear was beginning to lift ever since the news of Lupin and the plan to thwart Snape... 

--------------------------------

There was nobody on the deserted Quidditch pitch. Belongings lay strewn haphazardly across the seats, left behind in the panic to get out. Here a Cockroach Cluster, there a pack of Muggle cigarettes. The wind blew, as high and cold as Lord Voldemort's laugh, lifting small bits of paper into the air and scattering them to the four winds.

In this lonely, stinking (because the noxious clouds still hung about) place, one figure popped into existence with a loud crack. This figure wore a tattered, dirty pillowcase, had enormous, tennis-ball shaped eyes, and long bat-like ears. It looked hastily from side to side before scampering down the seats and stealthily drawing a flat black object from the inside of its pillowcase. Suddenly, the figure jumped off the stands and fell all the way to the ground with a pained squeal, repeatedly banging its head on the ground. Eventually it arose, and with another fearful look around, it phased out with another loud crack.

--------------------------------

Draco Malfoy was Bored. Bored with a capital B, written in large flaming letters which rained death and destruction upon those who were foolish enough to stand watching with mouths agape. He was so incredibly Bored that he briefly considered snogging with Harry Potter. Then he gave a derisive snort. As if that could ever happen.

With a deep sigh Draco reached over to at least play a game of chess with himself. Most unfortunately, the chess set he reached for wasn't there. Draco blinked, then remembered that Crabbe and Goyle had tried to play (emphasis on tried; Draco doubted the two were even capable of remembering what all the pieces _did_, much less devise brilliant strategies that could crush their opponent in a matter of turns.) his game of chess during the Quidditch match; they had probably left it behind in the ensuing confusion.

If only you knew, Draco. If only you knew.

In the Hogwarts trophy room, a shining silver trophy stood unnoticed in the corner. It was never noticed by anybody, really. But nevertheless it bore two names proudly.

GREGORY GOYLE VINCENT CRABBE

1st PLACE 2nd PLACE

INTERNATIONAL WIZARDING CHESS TOURNAMENT

Idiot savants Gregory Goyle and Vincent Crabbe pushed aside for the moment, we nonetheless have compiled some facts. One, that Crabbe and Goyle lost Draco Malfoy's chess set at the Quidditch pitch. Second, that there is a suspicious lack of Crabbe and Goyle in the Slytherin common room. With a sigh of annoyance, he walked over to the gateway and got out, meandering over to the Quidditch pitch. 

The stench had risen to hang high above the pitch, but the seats were still accessible. Scowling with displeasure, Draco quickly found his chess set and was on his way when he discovered a most peculiar book. It had rained recently, but there was no moisture to be detected on the book's pages. Draco was familiar with the Impervius Charm, but he knew that it only lasted for twelve hours at the most. Picking the slim book up, he noted with a small measure of excitement that it was a diary. Eagerly flipping the pages, his face fell and he let out a pout. There was no writing on the bone-dry pages at all. With a sigh of annoyance, Draco stuffed it into his robe's front pocket. He would figure out the book's secret later.

Even a not-so-casual observer would only have been able to glimpse a few words on the book's cover...

**

Diary of _T. M. Riddle_

**

--------------------------------

*mwaars* He who comes on silver wings... Perhaps you thought that Voldie would be riding a winged horse? We _did_ say he was going to be playing Quidditch, after all...

* = Hermione catch-phrase #5. XD

Yas, yas. *knows that Tom Riddle's diary only absorbs ink, and it's not labeled so blatantly on the cover. Bear with me.

Chapter End


	8. Chapter 8: The Basketb- err.. Tom Riddle...

Title: The Convict Trio and the Wings of the Heir (8/?)

Name: Voldie For Prez

Email: hsfnww@yahoo.com

Category: Humor

Keywords: Lupin, Snape, Sirius, Merlin, Armani

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: All Four Books, FB

Summary: AU fic. Lupin and Snape get into a fight at lunch. Eventually hauled off to Azkaban, they escape (with Sirius Black in tow) and set off to clear their names. Includes a teacher named Nads, Voldie playing Quidditch, snazzy Armani suits, Merlin's sense of humor, stinkbomb potions, but only a tiny bit of snogging. We're so sorry. 

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. Sonores and Nads are ours.

Author's Note: We'd.. umm.. like to thank JKR, fer making the incredibly diverse world that we mold like putty and make fanfics out of. Lari would like to thank Kels for getting her started in Harry Potter RPing. BTW, we're two people, really. I'm Akane and that's Lari. *points to invisible people* Her AIM is eyeKEELyuu and mine is Scary BogMonster. Err.. that's pretty much it. XD Lari would like to say...'MWAAR! Yah, we're crazy.' Visit our equally crazy RPG at http://www.geocities.com/hsfnww/index2.html XD XD

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Chapter 8: The Basketb **Tom Riddle** Diaries

--------------------------------

Lari's AN: NO! SONORES AND SNAPE WILL NOT END UP TOGETHER, NO MATTER WHAT AKANE SAYS! XD XD XD

...sorry to dash anyone's hopes. :D

Akane's AN: *dansu* Hi all! Watch as Draco writes in the diary of one Tom Marvolo Riddle! :D Dun kill me for the title!

--------------------------------

It had been a week since Draco had picked up the strange diary. He had put it in a corner of his trunk and promptly forgot all about it for until now, when it had appeared in his hand as he reached for the Sneakoscope that was also stored in the back of his traveling case. With a casual shrug Draco examined the cover, noting that the owner was a person named T. M. Riddle. It was otherwise unremarkable, its pages completely blank. Draco took out his pen and idly doodled on it. He had most of a dragon done before the ink sank into the pages.

The same ink oozed up as if someone inside the page was writing.

_"That's a nice dragon."_

One of Draco's eyebrows arched high, and he quickly scrawled, "You can write back?"

_"Yes, I can."_ The words were written in neat handwritten script that Draco couldn't recognize offhand. _"I'm Tom. What's your name?"_ it wrote.

Draco eyed the book suspiciously, as if it would grab his face and eat it at any moment. With more caution, he wrote, "Malfoy. Draco Malfoy. Why would you want to know?"

The book was silent for a moment, before replying, _"Ah. A Malfoy. A most prodigious pureblood family, are you not?"_

Draco glared at the diary, extremely insulted. "Of course I am! Did you honestly expect our proud bloodline to contain filthy Muggle blood?"

Tom wrote back apologetically, _"Ah. So sorry. You despise mudbloods and muggle-lovers, then?_"

A derisive snort from the pale, pointy-faced boy. "Of course I do. What do you think I am? A Weasley?"

There was another long silence, and Draco was just about to close the diary when Tom spoke again. _"Hmm... Perhaps.... Do you seek power?"_

"Who doesn't?" An idea suddenly occurred to Draco, and he smirked, scribbling hastily before the ink could sink into the pages. "Are you an artifact of the Dark Arts?"

The writing came quickly this time, _ "Why would you say that?"_

Draco laughed before he realized that Tom couldn't hear him. "Because if you aren't, then what usefulness DO you have?'"

_"I could give you power, Draco. But only if you can tell me what I need to know."_ Draco imagined Tom was smiling deviously as he wrote. He shrugged and continued writing. After all, power was something he needed desperately.

"Power? What sort of power?'"

_"I can enhance your wand's focus and open up your true potential. In other words, I can give you the power of a full-grown wizard right now. Imagine what you would be like when you become an adult."_

Draco smiled unbelievingly. "Prove it, then."

A bolt of green energy burst from the diary's pages and struck Draco squarely in his chest, pulsing rapidly. It quickly surrounded his whole body in a glowing halo of viridian light before sinking deep into his skin. Draco's wand seemed to writhe in his hand, but when he looked down at it was still.

_"Feel better now?"_

His silver-gray eyes widening, Draco raised his wand and pointed it at Crabbe. The boy dozed on, completely unaware of the magical fireworks show that had just taken place. With a burst of thought from Draco, the snoozing boy changed into a snoozing pig. Then back again. Draco sat back, amazed. He had never been good at Transfiguration, but his wand channeled his thoughts and powers as if it could read his mind. A small jolt and a feeling of emptiness alerted him to the fact that Tom was getting impatient; he had withdrawn his powers. With a rather girlish pout he flopped onto his bed and wrote, "Good enough. What do you need to know?"

_"I want you to tell me all you can of the person known as Lord Voldemort." _

Draco blinked. "That's all?"

_"I will ask you for more later."_

Glaring at the book's arrogance, but wrote some more nonetheless. "Well, Father told me a lot about the Dark Lord. Said he had the right idea, killing all the mudbloods and Muggles he could get his hands on. You know that Father used to be in his inner circle?" Another petulant pout. "I wish I was alive during those times. I would have helped."

_"Oh, was he? I'm afraid I've been out of the loop for so very long... "_

"Obviously, you have." Draco paused for a moment, obviously deciding whether or not to write more. Finally, he scribbled shortly, "People say he's dead, now. I don't believe it."

_"Who defeated him?"_

The pale blond boy snorted incredulously. "Harry-Bloody-Potter. Just because of a spot of luck, he's famous as anything."

Tom seemed to contemplate his words, turning them over and over. _"Harry... Potter. I see. Do you know where he is now?"_

"In this school. He's a _Gryffindor_, of course. Perfect Potter. Just because of a bit of fame and good luck..." A scowl marred his features as he thought of the bespectacled boy. "Lord Voldemort will get him someday. I know he will.'"

_"I imagine Voldemort will. Perhaps you can help him then?" _

Draco smiled cruelly, his eyes dancing with malicious intent. "Gladly."

The book asked another abrupt question. _"Do you know about a man named Albus Dumbledore?"_

"Yes. He's Headmaster here at Hogwarts." Yet another ill-tempered sneer crossed Draco's face. "I think Professor Snape would make a better Headmaster, though. HE wouldn't allow mudbloods to enter... But he's been sent to Azkaban."

_"Is he still there?" _ The book seemed most intrigued.

Draco wrote with a smirk on his face. "Actually, I heard he escaped. It was all over the Prophet. Azkaban couldn't hold him, I suppose."

_Is that so... Well."_ Unknown to our little Junior Death Eater, Tom was slowly siphoning off the poor boy's power, gaining strength.

Draco snapped his fingers, abruptly remembering something. "When will I be able to wield that power permanently?"

The boy was again struck by the strange impression that the book was grinning deviously. _"Later, Draco. Patience."_

"D'you need to know anything else?"

_"No, nothing else. Perhaps we can talk later, Draco." _

"Maybe later. It's time for lunch now, I'd better get going." Without another word, Draco closed the book and tossed it into his trunk, setting off for the Great Hall.

The diary sat silently inside its dark home, but one could get the impression that it was chuckling darkly.

--------------------------------

Draco Malfoy walked - no, strolled jauntily - into the Great Hall. With great pomp and flair he sat at his reserved seat near the front of the Slytherin table. With great solemnity he nodded once towards each of the Slytherin prefects and to the Head Girl, also a Slytherin. With great.. err.. grace he picked up his fork, delicately carried a portion of roast beef onto his gleaming golden plate, and with great (we seem to be using that word a lot XD XD) care he began eating. Mutters of 'pompous bastard' floated over from the Gryffindor table, but Draco paid them no mind. After all, soon he would be able to crush them all with just a flick of his wand.

He abruptly colored as a cry of "Oi, Malfoy! Going to let off any more farts? Or is it bogies this time?" came from the Gryffindor table. Even some of the Slytherins started chuckling as Draco struggled to keep his temper, his hands visibly trembling and his face becoming a blotchy red. More laughs rose as Fred Weasley made his way over to the Slytherin table. With a cheerful grin he thrust forwards his hand, obviously wanting to shake. 

Draco glared at Fred's hand as if it was a manticore about to maul him. He lifted his calm, cold gaze to Fred's, and asked icily, "What is the meaning of this?" His hand didn't move a fraction of an inch anywhere near the vicinity of Fred. 

Fred's grin widened even more, if that was possible, as he spoke, "Why, I just wanted to congratulate you, Draco."

This comment made Draco even more suspicious than usual. With another glacial glare that promised serious bodily harm if Fred didn't explain his purpose _right now_, he spoke again. "Congratulate me on what, Weasley?"

"Why, congratulate you on evacuating the Slytherin table so fast last week, of course! We couldn't have done better with a dozen dungbombs ourselves!" Before Draco could react, Fred grabbed his hand with both of his and pumped vigorously and dashed off to exchange high-fives with George and Lee Jordan.

Another roar of laughter filled the room as Draco jumped to his feet, almost pulling his wand and cursing the trio of mischief-makers into oblivion. But he noticed the teachers eyeing him and backed down, dropping with an outraged sigh into his seat. Fortunately, there were no Stink Potions concealed in Malfoy's briefs this time, and he continued to pick at his food, although he was certainly more depressed than before. Crabbe and Goyle glared helplessly at the twins. For all their muscle and brute strength, they couldn't do a thing while the teachers were watching. Pansy Parkinson simpered and clutched Draco's arm.

"Did they hurt your feelings, Draco?" she whimpered, unintentionally making Draco's temper flare.

"I don't know about them, but your _face_ is certainly hurting my feelings, Pansy," he snapped, jerking his arm away from her. Pansy stared at him for a moment before turning and bursting into tears. Draco shoveled a large chunk of meat and beans into his mouth, trying to convince himself that he wasn't feeling guilty.

He dropped his fork with a clatter and clapped his hands to his mouth; something had speared the roof of his mouth! Spitting into his hand, he could see that whatever it was had drawn blood. His gaze flew to the golden fork on the ground. It was writhing, attempting to pierce his shoe and get at his toes. With a vicious growl, he stomped it hard with his heel, killing it. It let out a pathetic little moan before bursting, spraying sticky green blood all over his expensive shoes. 

Another roar of laughter came from the Gryffindor table, and Draco could make out that pompous fifth year prefect whose name Draco couldn't remember - Percival or Preecy or something - waving his arms frantically, trying to make everyone quiet. He wasn't doing a very good job, in Draco's not-so-humble opinion. Not even remotely close.

George Weasley stood up and cupped his hands, shouting over the row to Draco, "Even your fork doesn't agree with you, Malfoy? For shame!" He turned and gave his twin brother another high five. "Great work on that Animata Charm, Fred." They burst into guffaws as Draco slowly sank down into his seat, wishing he could do nothing more than make a hole in the floor and crawl into it and then die. Rage and embarrassment warred fiercely in his head.

Just as their amusement faded into low chuckles and the occasional pointed glance at Draco, another unexpected event occurred, making the day possibly the worst ever in the life of Draco Malfoy up to that point.

A solitary screech owl swooped from the ceiling, the enchanted sunlight shining on its feathers. One student pointed it out to his friend, then more, and then suddenly the gossip topic had changed from other things to why exactly an owl was coming in at lunch, not breakfast. The sinking feeling in Draco's stomach increased as the owl dropped low into a dive and whizzed past his head, dropping its letter into his pitcher of apple cider with a loud plop. 

It was a solid scarlet color, and it smoked slightly at the edges.

For a moment, Draco stared at it, unable to comprehend just what was floating in the pitcher of juice beside him. Oh, he had seen many Howlers before, but they had always been sent to white-faced children, not himself. He thought wildly that perhaps a mistake had been made, that it had been meant for someone else with silver-blonde hair, but the Malfoy coat-of-arms that sealed the envelope made it quite clear who it was meant for. He gingerly picked it up and read the words on the front:

to: Mr. Draco Morticus Malicio Ferendi Yew Darania Lorobini Malfoy IV

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

With trembling hands, he cracked open the seal and slowly opened it. The dark interior yawned wide, and...

_**"DRACO? THIS IS YOUR FATHER, LUCIUS. I'VE DECIDED THAT IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO BECOME A MAN, AS THEY SAY. REMEMBER THAT DAY A WEEK AGO WHEN YOU CALLED FOR ME AND I WAS BUSY WITH YOUR MOTHER? REMEMBER HOW I TOLD YOU THAT BABIES WERE DELIVERED BY OWL POST WHEN YOU PAID FIFTY GALLEONS? WELL, I'M SORRY, DRACO, BUT IT'S ALL A LIE. I WANT TO TELL YOU HOW BABIES ARE REALLY MADE. YOU SEE, WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN VERY MUCH-"**_

Draco stared at the talking envelope with a growing sense of horror; when the hell was it going to shut up? _I'm doomed. Doomed, all because of my stupid father. I'll never be able to show my face in respectable society again,_ he thought gloomily. When he came to, the envelope was still talking.

_**"-AND SOMETIMES WHEN THEY LOVE EACH OTHER A LOT THEN YOU CAN USE CERTAIN TOYS AND OTHER INSTRUMENTS TO INCREASE PLEASURE, DRACO. REMEMBER THAT NARCISSA AND I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR LOVING PARENTS, AND IF YOU WANT TO EXPERIMENT A LITTLE THEN WE CAN TAKE YOU TO A RESPECTABLE BROTHEL. WE'LL NEVER TURN YOUR GIRLFRIEND OU- WAIT. WHAT THE HELL? THIS IS A HOWLER?! WAIT! YOU STUPID BIRD! YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT! GET BACK HE-"**_

Lucius Malfoy's voice was cut off as the Howler disintegrated in a small puff of flames, leaving the Great Hall utterly silent except for the sound of one hand clapping and a thousand jaws hitting the floor in unison. Draco saw, with the kind of numb horror in his gaze that was usually reserved for victims of severe war trauma, that the Weasley twins were clutching their stomachs, laughing so hard that no sound came out, their faces purple. It looked like they were going to suffocate right then and there. Every single student (and the more demure teachers) had blazing scarlet faces. 

Slowly, oh so slowly, Draco made his way to the stairs that led to the Slytherin dungeon. He stumbled and banged his head into the wall, drawing blood, but he didn't seem to notice. When he reached the stairs, he fell all the way down, bouncing limply and coming to rest in a boneless heap at the bottom. He rose slowly, bruised and bleeding in a dozen places, a slight manic grin resting on his face. He stumbled off to the Slytherin common room and slammed into the wall. Apparently, the deep shock had temporarily destroyed his ability to talk, and he continued slamming mindlessly into the wall that concealed the common room before he collapsed, unconscious at its feet.

Instantly the dead silence that had fallen broke into a thousand pieces. Some of the weaker girls fainted right then and there, shocked to the core by the revelations that Lucius Malfoy's extremely... unhealthy suggestions had brought on. The youngest teacher in the staff, Professor Sinistra, was sitting stock still, and it seemed that she was in danger of fainting as well. 

Luckily, Professor >D was sitting beside her, and a quick waving of smelling salts under her nose revived her somewhat. She shook her head, dazed and confused. Nobody noticed the small beaker of neon pink potion that Nad slipped into Sinistra's goblet. Giving her a small tap on the shoulder, he gestured lightly at her untouched cup.

"Perhaps some wine would help you, Alexandria?" he said, smiling innocently. She nodded quickly and grasped the cup tightly in her hands as if it was the one thing that bound her to consciousness. Taking an eager gulp, she lowered the goblet and stared at Nad. A slight pink tint seemed to have passed over her vision. "Alright now?" Nad asked brightly, a small smile dancing in his eyes.

Alexandria Sinistra nodded fervently, wondering why she had never before noticed the entrancing way he smiled. "Yes, much better now, thank you," she said - or tried to say. It came out as a whisper that was barely audible. Nad seemed to understand perfectly though; he rose and offered her his hand. 

"You don't look so good, if I may say so. May I escort you to your room?" Sinistra's room was in the middle of the Astronomy Tower. The perfect place to be alone with Nad, to feel his strong hands stroke her sl- She shook her head abruptly, but all thought was washed away in a ferocious electric jolt as Nad took her hand.

She drifted behind him, lost in a miasma of daydreams. _Life with Nad will be so wonderful_, she thought. _We can run away together and-_ She was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she never noticed >D pull out his wand and point it at her. After that, she didn't really notice anything at all.

_"Imperio."_

--------------------------------

Night fell at last. Crickets hiding within the dungeon walls chirped. Students slept peacefully in their beds. Stock-still jobberknolls kept close watch over the darkest corners of Hogwarts castle---

Waitaminute. Jobberknolls? How did _they_ get in? Everyone knew Hagrid and Kettleburn owned a few, but, _surely_ they hadn't let them into the castle?

Let's backtrack a bit, shall we? ^_~

o_O O_O O_o _HURASHIBAKKU to that very afternoon during lunch hour..._

Severus Snape downed a draught of his quickly depleting invisibility potion, making sure to take an extra vial along with him. He knew that supplies were limited, so he had cut back on his ventures into the outside world. Best to conserve ingredients, after all.

However...he wanted to know more about those two replacement professors. Sonores was too suspicious for his liking, and even Nads made him suspicious to a certain degree. Searching the banshee's office had resulted in nothing, as had searching Nad's. It was time to resort to _other_ methods of spy work. Snape knew just the trick.

The Potions Master padded quietly out to Hagrid's hut (empty---he was out at lunch) and searched through the many creatures the half-giant kept. He had almost lost his hand (and/or other limbs) in the process, considering _some_ were vicious enough to just snap at thin air. Soon enough, he found what he was looking for: Jobberknolls. Silent creatures that were not capable of uttering a sound until the time of their deaths, when they repeated everything they had ever heard in a long scream.

Severus placed some body-binding curses on the creatures. Couldn't have the blue speckled birds flying off at the wrong moment, could we? But now it was time for the difficult part. How to smuggle them into the castle without being seen? Birds floating about in midair were quite unnatural, after all, especially considering that they wouldn't even be using their wings.

This he was forced to do in an extremely meticulous manner. Hiding around a corner whenever someone approached, diving behind statues whenever necessary, etc. He even came across Mrs. Norris once; she had ended up yowling and running off as she caught Snape's scent. She had long since figured out that a bodiless scent meant trouble. 

As he slowly made his way through the castle, he hid the petrified birds in strategic locations, making sure to have each within earshot of Nad's classroom and office, Sonores's classroom and office, and nearly any other spot that could possibly be used as a meeting place. When he finally began to make his way back to the Vincent the Valiant statue, his plan was already been set into motion---the birds would act as sound recorders for him overnight. He'd retrieve the jobberknolls in the morning and, hopefully, some new information would be had.

Severus allowed himself a triumphant smirk as he settled in for some reading and a good night's rest. 

o_O O_O O_o _End HURASHIBAKKU..._

And so, the petrified jobberknolls kept their posts for the remainders of the afternoon and evening (not that they had a choice). Nothing of great interest had happened thus far, save for the rather entertaining pranks the Weasleys played on the Slytherins of Potions class.

It wasn't until 10 PM that Nads met Sonores outside her locked office. His light blue eyes twinkled with mischief as he slowed to a halt beside the banshee.

"Hello, Serena! I daresay it was a fun day, don't you think?" Nads proclaimed cheerfully as if she were an old friend. Well, truth be told, she _was_ an old friend of his---he had even become an expert at reading her lips (he was wearing earplugs to save himself from her deadly voice).

"Invigorating. Absolutely stupendous," the banshee replied flatly accompanied by a scowl. She was never a very happy person, when it came down to it. Nads, of course, read her lips with ease and grinned.

"Don't be such a spoilsport! Just because _you're_ such a pessimist, doesn't mean _I_ have to be." Sonores halfheartedly grumbled some nasty words in response. Nad lowered his voice a bit before continuing. "Besides, the Imperius against Sinistra went _exactly_ as planned. She'll do whatever we wish of her!"

"So what?" Sonores replied, scowl deepening. "Things always seem to go right for _you_. And what do _I_ get? An escaped convict of Azkaban who can see through my damn glamorie."

"It's your negative karma, darling. Just try and lighten up!"

"Right."

>D shrugged. "It works for me!" He grinned as Sonores grumbled to herself. "Any new orders from our Lord?"

"Not unless you count the threats against our sanity and lives if we don't carry out the Plan flawlessly," she mumbled as she slouched forward. "If we screw up in the slightest bit, I'm heading to the nearest bridge and throwing myself off to spare Him the trouble."

XD's grin faltered slightly at her words. "Come _on_, Serena! Lighten up! Isn't the world such a beautiful place? Let out your feelings in one big burst of _joy_!!!"

".....Whoop-dee-_fucking_-doo." Another deadpan, sarcastic remark. Nads simply smiled weakly.

"...I suppose it's a start..."

"Yeah. _Wonderful_ start. Watch as I frolic through a field of singing daisies."

>D's grin returned full-force. It must be his optimistic nature. "That's the spirit!"

Sonores's scowl deepened. One could nearly see the steam jetting out of her ears.

Sensing the danger, Nad quickly changed the subject. "So, anyway, we'll be watching out for our invisible convict Snape, won't we? Making sure he steals no more of my supplies?"

"Sure damn will. I'd love to tear that nosy bastard apart for seeing through my glamorie." She gave her companion a piercing banshee glare. "You _will_ save him for _me_ when the time comes, won't you, darling?" Sense the hostility!

But Nads was unaffected, of course. "We'll share him, dear." He grinned at her displeasure and gave her a quick peck on the forehead. "Cheer up! Of course I'll allow you to torture him as you please, as long as our Lord approves of it."

"The boy first, remember. That damn boy is our first priority."

"Of course! No need to worry. We'll have his blood giftwrapped and presented in a large purple bow to our Lord in no time!"

As the two spoke to each other, >D kept stepping closer and closer to his partner-in-crime. By this point, the banshee may as well have been in his arms, they were so close. Sonores had begun running her hand along his robes suggestively as the conversation continued.

"_Purple_ bow? Why purple?"

"It's a sufficiently evil color. Haven't you noticed that green or purple tend to be the leading colors to symbolize evil, excluding black?"

".........No."

"...Ah. I see! Then perhaps I'm just observant."

There was a pause. Neither spoke for a little while, now wrapped up in each other's arms. The jobberknoll in the shadows continued its recording.

"So! Back to the subject at--"

"Shut up and kiss me, Nad." 

--------------------------------

"_OW_!!! Whoever that is, get off my foot!"

"Sorry, Ron! Couldn't see where I was going."

A snort. "Whatever you say, Herm--"

"Guys! Quiet down!" Harry whispered urgently as he, Ron, and Hermione approached the darkened library. While Nad and Sonores were busily snogging at the latter's office, the Trio had snuck out of their dormitories with the ever-so-useful invisibility cloak. It was the night of their infiltration of the Restricted Section of the library (of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry of Scotland of the United Kingdom of Europe of Eurasia of Earth of---*gets whacked with a flying boot, thanks to Akanekins*).

The three creeped into the silent library, shutting the large oak door quietly (or as quietly as possible, considering it, unfortunately, creaked quite loudly as they did so) behind them. Madam Pince was off in her apartment, presumably getting her good night's rest at this hour of the night.

"_Lumos_," Hermione whispered, lighting up the room with her wand. They tiptoed over to the Restricted corner, passing by all the normal, _safe_ stacks of books towards the front. She placed her lit wand in the middle of the floor, where it will efficiently light the area up enough for the trio to read the various book titles. "Okay, then. Look for anything that involves potions. _Moste Potent Potions_ seems like a good place to start; I heard Snape mention it during class once."

"You actually _listened_ to that git's lectures?" Ron whispered incredulously.

"Of course I did! Unlike _you_, I cared about my grades in that class!"

"I cared, too!" Ron shot back, while adding with a mutter: "I just don't understand how you could force yourself to listen to anything without wondering how anyone's hair could get that greasy." 

Hermione simply 'harrumph'ed and reverted her attention to the stacks of books behind her. Harry, who had long since gotten used to his best friends' bickering, was a step ahead of his companions. In fact, he had pulled out _Moste Potente Potions_ and began flipping through to the index in search of anything useful. 

"Polyjuice Potion...Inflammation Potion...Exploding Potion...Draught of Eternal Sleep..." Harry sighed in frustration and slammed the book shut. "Nothing in _Moste Potente Potions_, Hermione."

The straight-A student frowned. "Not in _Moste Potente Potions_? Where can we look, then...?" she asked herself thoughtfully, scanning the shelves for a title that could house a recipe for invisibility potions. 

Ron snorted, discouraged greatly by the turn of events. "So what do we look for? _The Invisible Book of Invisibility_? _Invisibility For Stupid Gits_? We could spend weeks in here and _still_ find nothing!"

Hermione shot Ron a glare. "It's worth a try. Besides, if we don't find anything _this_ time, we could always come back." The red-haired boy mumbled something about wanting to go to sleep, but continued to search the shelves nonetheless. It _was_ to help Harry, after all. 

Things continued in this manner for about an hour. They had already gone through every single potions-themed book they could find to no avail. _Where_ could the recipe be, then?

Harry searched through the books in the B section, highly discouraged and exhausted. He had no idea where this invisibility potion could be had, and, quite frankly, he was beginning to question if that Snape and Sonores conversation had all been a dream. The boy was just about to tell his friends that they've done enough for the day and to go back to their dormatories when...

"_A Guide to Assassination: Silence and Constant Vigilance_...?" Harry muttered to himself. Assassination? Assassins could use invisibility, couldn't they? He pulled the large, dusty book from the shelves. It was by a wizard named Marius Backstabbe--Hmmmm. Full of curiosity, Harry flipped the book open when...

His eardrums were nearly shattered. The book had just let out the loudest _scream_ he had ever heard in his life.

In panic, Harry dropped the book, causing it to slam shut upon impact with the ground. The horrid shrieking ceased. His two friends, startled by the scream, gave the door a wary look, worried that Filch may have heard. The trio waited for a minute or two, and when nothing came, they each sighed with relief. Ron turned to give Harry a Look.

"Are you trying to get us in _trouble_, Harry?!" Ron hissed, eyes wide with panic.

"Sorry, Ron..." Harry replied, obviously spooked. "It screamed when I opened it. We _need_ to see what's inside that...but...how do we get past _that_?"

"Let me take care of it," Hermione said as she brushed past the brunette boy and kneeled by the book. "Can I borrow your wand, Harry? Mine's being used to light the room."

"Oh. Sure," he replied as he pulled out his wand and handed it to the bushy-haired girl. She picked up the book for assassins and tapped it once with her wand. 

"_Silencio_," she muttered, obviously an incantation of some sort. Harry clamped his hands over his ears to protect himself from the shrieking book as Hermione flipped it open once more.

His mouth dropped open in shock as the book did not scream. The girl smiled triumphantly. "I _knew_ it would work!"

"How did you _do_ that?" Ron asked incredulously, watching as she flipped to the index and immediately began scanning it.

She rolled her eyes. "Honestly! Don't you _read_?" Ron simply made a sound reminiscent of of 'hmpf'. "It was a _silence_ charm. Simple, really. Did its purpose, didn't it?" Hermione replied proudly. "HERE IT IS!" she burst out excitedly, not realizing that she had raised her voice a bit too loudly and, quite honestly, not caring too much at the moment. "Cloak and Dagger: Includes _invisibility cloaks and potions_. We found it, Harry!" She dug through her robes, pulling out an ink well and a quill. "Did you remember to bring the spare parchment, Ron?"

"Huh? Oh! Yeah, sure," he said as he pulled out a rather crumpled-looking square of parchment from his own robes. He handed it to Hermione as she opened up to the specified chapter. With a squeal of delight, she began to copy down the entire recipe.

"Most of the ingredients appear to be simple enough, but it's a rather complicated procedure. Very precise," she mused. "One incorrect measurement could throw it off entirely."

"So what do you want us to do? _Sabotage_ Snape's invisibility potion?" Ron snapped sarcastically. "Right. And how are we going to do that? Steal the ingredients before he can get to them?"

"Precisely!" Hermione replied as she shut the book with care. "We'll take them from Professor Nad's private stock. In the meantime..." She took a look at the potion description once more as she placed the screaming book back in its place. "The potion lasts for roughly one hour and fifteen minutes. We'll have to search for Snape's hiding place; it should be easily accessible to the school so he could wander around and return without being seen. Apparation in the middle of the Forbidden Forest would take too long--he _must_ be on school grounds." She folded the piece of parchment up and slipped it into her robes. Hermione took her companions' silence as consent to her plan and smiled grimly. "Let's get back to the tower, then."

Ron and Harry exchanged looks once more. "Do you think we've been a bad influence on her?" Ron whispered to his friend as the two followed Hermione to the library doors. Harry merely shook his head in response and tiptoed out the doorway...

And bumped straight into Hermione. She had stopped dead just outside the room.

"Geez, Hermione, what's wrong with you? Let's go!" Ron hissed to his friend, irritation evident in his tone. That is, until he looked up to see what the object of her fixation was. He gasped. Loudly.

A man with matted, sloppy hair to his elbows, a waxy complexion, and glittering dark eyes stood before them. He blinked at them a few times and took a step closer. Despite having seen few pictures of this man, his identity was unmistakable.

It was Sirius Black.

Ron was the first to lose it in the silence that ensued. "_RUN FOR IT_!" he screamed as he turned tail and did just that. Hermione and Harry hesitated for only a second longer before following their red-haired friend down the hallway with fearful expressions. They didn't even glance back as Harry threw the invisibility cloak over his friends.

Unfortunately, they had simply leapt out of the frying pan and into the fire. The trio had run straight into Filch as they rounded the next corner, bumping the Invisibility Cloak off their shoulders. The trio stared at the caretaker. The caretaker stared at the trio. A malicious grin slowly spread across Filch's ruddy face and his eyes seemed fit to burst from their sockets. Filch was all-too-happy to drag them off for detention and a stiff talking-to from Professor McGonagall...

--------------------------------

Sirius muttered a curse under his breath and transformed into Snuffles as the children ran off. He had only come to investigate after he heard a scream from the library. And, of course, it just _had_ to be his godson and friends. Not only that, but they were _terrified_ of him due to his criminal status!

How Black longed to speak with James's son, to clear his name and tell Harry the truth. Too bad that won't be happening any time soon. _He probably thinks I'm here to kill someone, with **my** reputation_, he thought to himself with a mental frown. He had to be more careful about hiding from students now than ever before.

With a depressed whine, Snuffles bounded back to the Vincent the Valiant statue, ready to turn in for the night. 

--------------------------------

People who want the full version of the Howler that Lucius sent can get it by asking at hsfnww@yahoo.com :D


	9. Chapter 9: Harry Potter and the Totally ...

Title: The Convict Trio and the Wings of the Heir (9/?)

Name: VoldieForPrez

Email: hsfnww@yahoo.com

Category: Humor

Keywords: Lupin, Snape, Sirius, Merlin, Armani

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: All Four Books, FB

Summary: AU fic. Lupin and Snape get into a fight at lunch. Eventually hauled off to Azkaban, they escape (with Sirius Black in tow) and set off to clear their names. Includes a teacher named Nads, Voldie playing Quidditch, snazzy Armani suits, Merlin's sense of humor, stinkbomb potions, but only a tiny bit of snogging. We're so sorry. 

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. Sonores and Nads are ours.

Author's Note: We'd.. umm.. like to thank JKR, fer making the incredibly diverse world that we mold like putty and make fanfics out of. Lari would like to thank Kels for getting her started in Harry Potter RPing. BTW, we're two people, really. I'm Akane and that's Lari. *points to invisible people* Her AIM is eyeKEELyuu and mine is Scary BogMonster. Err.. that's pretty much it. XD Lari would like to say...'MWAAR! Yah, we're crazy.' Visit our equally crazy RPG at http://www.geocities.com/hsfnww/index2.html XD XD

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Harry Potter and the Totally Tubular Adventure

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Lari's AN: Mwaar. NOW the Plot's thickening. Villains are made apparent. Evil vs. Good. ....and Harry is made a trite less boring. :D

Akane's AN: Mmm... In an effort to make Harry Potter (the boy, not the book) more interesting, because a certain concerned reviewer pointed out how he's actually pretty boring (we agree), we have devoted this chapter to making Harry... a more.. err.. _fun_ person. Hence the title. XD Our plot is slowly becoming a glutinous blob of gloop.

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Draco Malfoy was _not_ in a good mood. It was the first time in his life he had to put up with constant jeering, ridiculing, mocking, and other such things for an entire day. An _entire_ day. Directed at _him_, no less! If _only_ his father hadn't sent that Howler...

His futile attempt to keep up his jaunty appearance failed as he was met with more jeering in the Great Hall. Draco seated himself at the Slytherin table by his cronies, Crabbe and Goyle, as per usual. At least _they_ supported him throughout this crisis. The boy also made extra sure that there were no letters sent via owl post to him this fine morning; it would be _horrible_ to have to put up with an apology Howler on top of that rather embarrassing lecture he received just the day before. Draco shuddered at the thought, wondering what the _hell_ had gotten into his father to send him something like that.

He cast Fred and George Weasley a wary look and a sneer as he caught sight of their snickering faces. _He'd_ show those Muggle Lovers some day. Revenge is always sweet...

With nary a word, Draco dug into his breakfast meal.

--------------------------------

Meanwhile, at a nearby table...

"Oh! Did you _hear_?" a 4th year Hufflepuff asked of her friends. Gossip, galore! "A _famous wizard_ is supposed to be visiting Hogwarts for Valentines Day!"

"Who _hasn't_?!" A wistful sigh from another Hufflepuff female. "It's going to be so exciting! I wonder who it will be?"

"I hope it's a handsome one!" squealed a third.

"Oh, of _course_ he will be!" A fourth girl butted into the conversation. "You know what _I_ heard? _I_ heard it's going to be--"

"_**WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!?!**_" a high-pitched voice shrieked from the Slytherin table. Fred and George fell to the floor in peals of laughter, much to the dismay of a red-faced Malfoy. "I _demand_ to know what you Muggle-lovers have _done_ to my voice!" It sounded as if Draco had inhaled a huge amount of helium and then had been kicked in a Most Uncomfortable Area. _**HARD**_.

The twins, still sniggering uncontrollably, strolled on over to Draco. "I see you've discovered our Screeching Sweets, Malfoy," Fred announced with a mischievous grin.

"We did a mighty good job hiding it in your muffin, didn't we?" George continued, smirking. "It makes your voice sound like you've just been kicked in the nads. No offense, Professor." Professor >D simply grinned with a mischievous twinkle in his eye and watched as Fred continued their small speech on Screeching Sweets.

"Yeah. It's our new invention!"

"Too bad it'll only last for an hour or so."

"Or _so_!?" Malfoy squeaked, horrified.

"Hey, it _is_ the prototype, after all!" Fred finished with a shrug.

The twins burst into yet another peal of laughter as they stumbled back to the Gryffindor table, struggling to breathe. By now, almost the entirety of the Hall (and _definitely_ all of the Gryffindors) had heard what happened to Draco and had erupted with their own roars of laughter.

Draco found this ridicule too much to bear. With a 'harrumph' of dissatisfaction and a rather high-pitched mutter of how his father would be forced to deal with this, he stormed out of the Hall and back to the Slytherin common room, leaving the uncontrollable laughter of the remaining students behind.

However, _one_ group of students was _not_ laughing...

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were all pale and worn out from the previous night's adventures. Dark, heavy bags hung beneath their bloodshot eyes, indicating their obvious fatigue and the signs of a sleepless night.

Hermione sighed deeply, breaking the silence of the group. "_I_ think we should tell Professor McGonagall. We're endangering the entire school by holding off like this."

"_No,_" Harry spoke with resolve, startling his two friends with his tone. "We will _not_ tell anyone. Besides, they're after _me_, not you. And Lupin is still helping me out, right?"

"_AND_ Harry will get in major trouble for wandering the halls at night," Ron pointed out. "We already got caught doing that once, remember? He can't tell a teacher _now_! He'll be expelled for sure!"

Hermione simply cocked a mousy brown eyebrow at Ron. "So you expect us to solve this case all by ourselves with multiple criminals making attempts on Harry's life?" She sighed at Ron's scowl. "Look. _I_ don't want you expelled, either, Harry, but we _have_ to tell someone _sometime_."

"We'll send an owl to Dumbledore and tell him the whole story when he gets back," Harry stated firmly. _If I'm not dead by then_...

Hermione begrudgingly gave the scarred boy a slow, hesitant nod of approval. "I'd prefer if you told someone _now_...but I won't get any better from you, will I?"

"Nope."

A sigh. "I thought so."

Silence fell once more as they returned to their breakfast.

"Nad's stockroom today, right? During Potions?"

"...You're _hopeless_, Harry."

"Let him do what he wants, Hermione! Nad won't punish him even if he _was_ caught, after all..." 

--------------------------------

While all the students were out in the Great Hall, laughing at poor Draco Malfoy, a lone figure was padding stealthily across the school, pausing every so often at a hidden nook or cranny to scoop out blue-speckled something s into the burlap bag he was carrying. It looked like he was hefting small blue-colored rocks, but on close observation it was clear that the 'rocks' were actually body-bound jobberknolls. With a grunt the unknown figure (who we all know is Snape, really. We're just building up drama. Kind of. As if this fic could have any drama at all. In fact, we- *is whapped by Larikins* err.... yah. XD) heaved the bag over his shoulder and set off to the statue of Vincent the Valiant, passing casually through his bum...

...and emerging from an elegantly carved mahogany door that led to a hallway with four other rooms. He knocked (more like kicked) at two of the doors and opened the other one, slipping inside. Soon after, a pair of men (who we really know are Lupin and Black, it's just tha- *whap* Err...) entered Snape's room. Lupin entered in an extremely bad mood; apparently the Armani dissolved all clothes that were thrown over them and couldn't be taken off. It also seemed that Sirius had finally found the shower. He claimed that he had crawled into the wardrobe and met a little centaur-like man who offered him tea and a good wash. Snape snorted disbelievingly; _he_ still didn't believe in Black's tale of innocence, much less this new preposterous concoction that evidently involved not only his wardrobe, but also a huge lion and a witch. *cough*

"So, what'd you call us here for this bright and early in the day, Snapy?" Black asked, eyeing the burlap bag with suspicion. "Did you make a pact with a young girl to weave thread into gold and then carry off her firstborn son? Because I have to tell you, it's already been done."

His only reply was a sneer from Snape. Surprisingly tame, considering that Sirius and Severus had been at each other's throats ever since they had come to Hogwarts all those years ago. 

The two pulled up chairs and sat down as Snape overturned the bag, sending out a tumble of petrified jobberknolls. Lupin looked nonplussed as some of the birds bounced and rolled beneath Snape's bed. "Unless you've started a jobberknoll collection and you felt the burning urge to tell us, Severus, I think we have better things to do." He started to rise from his seat, but Snape grabbed his sleeve and forced him back down.

"You idiot," he hissed, drawing a curiously hooked silver dagger from his own sleeve (Lupin's eyes widened at the sight of silver) and pointing it at the jobberknoll. "I've gone to the trouble of planting jobberknolls around the school to try and overhear some of our... replacement's conversations."

Sirius snorted and rolled his eyes. "That's impossible, Snape. Jobberknolls record _every single thing_ they ever hear. And they scream it all _backwards_. You want us to sit through hours of screaming bird-chirp for a smidgen of talk that we can't even understand?" He too made as if to rise from his seat.

"Sit back down, you fool," Snape said. "Or else I'll turn you into a rabbit and push you into a Top Hat of Imprisonment forever." Sirius winced and sat down quickly as Snape brandished the silver dagger, which made a strange whistling sound as it cut through the air. Lupin flinched, following the dagger's movements rather intently. Snape pulled him closer with a scowl.

"As much as I'd like to use this on you, werewolf, I'm afraid that you still have uses, however miniscule and insignificant they may be. I'm going to explain to you two idiots just once. This," Snape said, gesturing towards the silver dirk, "is a Selecting Stiletto. It allows you to draw specific memories and thoughts from Pensieves more accurately than wands can. A recent discovery made it clear that when used to kill a jobberknoll, it not only selects the sounds you want, but also plays them correctly. Let's try, shall we?" With that, the greasy (Snape had _not_ discovered the shower) convict drew his dagger across the frozen bird's throat, being careful not to cut its windpipe.

Death obliterated the locking curse that was on the bird as it opened its mouth and began screaming. Although the jobberknoll had no lips to speak of, articulate, albeit extremely loud, human speech could be heard.

Unfortunately, the voices were _not_ Nad and Sonores. Instead...

"Penelope..." A distinctly male voice could be heard.

"Percy, my love..." A female tone this time. Both were so soft and mushy that Snape was looking quite sick.

"I've been thinking for a while, Penelope, and I've decided..."

"...Percy?"

"Penelope Clearwater, will you marry me?"

Snape abruptly grabbed the jobberknoll and threw it back into the bag. Pointing his wand at the muffled, but still extraordinarily loud voices, he spat, "_Silencio_," cutting off the two lovey-doveys. "Next," Snape ground out, looking like he was regretting his idea already.

~some time later~

Snape was starting to look even more sallow than usual, and halfway through the third jobberknoll Lupin had clapped a hand to his mouth and lurched towards the chamberpot room. Sirius had snatched Snape's fluffy pink earmuffs and was holding his hands over them in a death grip, humming extremely loudly. The sixth jobberknoll fell.

"Oh.. oh my! It's so big, Justin!"

"I tried an Engorgement Charm on it, Hannah. To make it feel better."

"Mm... I... I don't think it will fit."

"Don't worry, honey. It'll hurt a bit at first, but then everything will be all ri-"

Snape suddenly grabbed his wand and pointed it at the bird, which promptly exploded in a burst of speckled blue feathers. Lupin returned from the bathroom, looking seasick. 

"Next...?" he asked weakly, a hint of dread creeping into his voice.

~some time later~

Almost all the jobberknolls were gone, and Snape's once pale white skin was now turning a sickly jaundiced yellow. Sirius was still humming, although his voice sounded strained and his eyes were getting bloodshot. Lupin was out cold, having smacked himself in the head with a fruitcake piece shortly after the twelfth bird, which had recorded a rather sordid foursome between Fred and George Weasley, Angelina Johnson and Katie Bell.

Severus Snape was seriously considering just blasting the remaining jobberknolls into small bits to keep from having to hear more explicit lovetalk, but just as he raised his wand for a Dismemberment Curse, he heard a _most_ welcome voice.

"Hello, Serena! I daresay it was a fun day, don't you think?" It was Nad. Snape's eyes gleamed with triumph as he leaned forward. Noticing the look on Snape's face, Sirius cautiously removed the earmuffs and listened as well. Lupin... was dreaming of meat. Let's not mind him, shall we?

The word 'Imperius' flashed past and Snape stuck the silver dagger, now spotted with crimson, into the jobberknoll's throat. Sirius winced in sympathetic agony as Severus slowly pulled the dirk out, along with a thread of writhing silver that looked like it belonged in a Pensieve. Snape drew his wand and tapped the thread with the end. The jobberknoll's last message echoed through the room.

"Besides, the Imperius against Sinistra went _exactly_ as planned. She'll do whatever we wish of her!"

Sirius looked utterly gobsmacked. "Alexandria Sinistra? That little Hufflepuff girl? She was a first year when we graduated! D'you mean she's a _teacher_?"

A short nod from Snape. "And she's being controlled by..." His upper lip curled in disgust. "_Knum Nad_. Imperius can't be detected except at the initial casting, and Dumbledore wasn't here when it was incanted. Which means we'd have no proof." He gestured at the dead jobberknoll, which was busily bleeding all over the floor.

"We have to help her break free!" exclaimed Sirius, looking positively appalled at Snape's callous manner. "She's being _controlled_, Snapy!"

Snape snorted disdainfully. "And ruin our chance to catch the culprits in the act? You're even more idiotic that I thought, Black."

Sirius looked as if he was about to protest, but shut up when he saw the slightly mad glint in Snape's eyes. Perhaps all that potion brewing had messed up the greasy-haired man's mind, because he looked absolutely obsessed.

-------------------------------- 

Speaking of potion brewing, our _other_ trio of the fanfic had just walked into Nad's dungeon. It was, as expected of Nad, festively decked out for the wintry months; he even went so far as to have illusionary, sparkling snowflakes flutter to the ground from the ceiling. Unfortunately, Hermione, Ron, and Harry were not lively enough to enjoy the decorations.

In fact...

Ron Weasley struggled to stay awake. His sleepless night had _definitely_ caught up with him as he fought to keep his eyelids open. Even _Hermione_ was having problems staying attentive in her state; she had admittedly missed many of Neville's pleas for help during the day's lesson. And Harry? Well...

"Mr. Potter?" A man's voice vaguely penetrated the boy's thoughts. _Hm...I wonder who that is? It sounds familiar..._

"_Mr. Potter_...?" The sound of approaching footsteps was far-off to Harry's ears, almost as if he were dreaming. _Wonder what's going on?_

"_**HARRY! WAKE UP!**_"

Harry Potter jolted upright at the shout, knocking his cauldron full of boiling liquid airborne. It flew through the air and spun spectacularly a few times before deciding to fall rim-down to the ground, spilling its steaming contents all over the shiny floor (which Nad quickly cleaned up with a spell). "Wha...?" he muttered as he adjusted his glasses and gathered his bearings. He looked up to Nad's smiling face.

"Why, Harry, you had very nearly fallen asleep into your cauldron! I don't think you would have enjoyed spending the rest of the day at the hospital wing to treat your burns, so I took the liberty of waking you." His grin faltered slightly as he took a closer look at Harry's exhausted appearance. "Are you all right, Harry?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine..." he mumbled, ignoring the worried looks Ron and Hermione shot him.

The corner of Nad's mouth twitched slightly in response, the closest to a frown anyone would receive from the cheerful man. He reached into his robes and pulled out a small vial of neon green liquid and promptly uncorked it. With a renewed grin, he held the vial out to Harry. "Drink this! It _should_ make you feel better."

Harry, too trusting of his professor (not to mention too tired to care what it was), accepted the potion without a second thought. "Thanks," he said gratefully as he chugged the thin green substance. He handed the empty vial back to his professor with a curious look.

"Don't mention it," >D replied with sincerity. He watched for a reaction from the boy, waiting for the effects of the potion to start up. "How is it?"

Harry frowned and waited. "When is this stuff supposed to start wor---_Whoa_."

The world around him began to spin as he opened his eyes to a fuzzy new land of bright lights and happiness. This stuff was pretty _cool_...

"Hey...thanks, man. That stuff was _totally_ diggin'," Harry said with a slur. Something was _obviously_ wrong with him. Hermione, of course, strode over to her friend and began to question him.

"...Harry? Are you okay?"

"Hey, Hermy-baby...Nevah been bettah. Love ya, girlie," he slurred, grinning. Hermione gave him an odd look.

"...Harry?"

"Peace, man...Peace."

Hermione turned to give Nad a wary look. "What did you give him?"

"_Whoa_, man! This stuff is _gnarly!_" Harry observed as he made an attempt to climb atop a table. "I feel like I'm totally _flying_, man!"

Nad grinned, apparently finding nothing unusual about the boy's behavior. "Actually, it's mostly a Muggle substance known as...Marijuana, I believe? I simply concentrated it and added to its potency!" He thought for a while and blinked. "Oh yes, and I enchanted it to work faster. Makes a better Happiness Potion that way."

Hermione's eyes widened to the size of saucers. "_**Marijuana?!**_"

"Why, _yes_, Hermione. Why?"

"Dude...Anyone got any weed, man?"

"Er...would root of asphodel work, Harry?" Neville asked, looking quite apprehensive as to Harry's...new disposition.

"I dunno. Can you smoke it?"

"Well, you can light it on fire," Ron added from the side, snickering at Harry's state. "Professor Nads, do you have any more of that stuff?" he asked with a mischievous smile. No doubt he was thinking of slipping Draco some of it.

"_PROFESSOR!!!_" Hermione shrieked, finally gathering her bearings. "You _can't_ give students _Marijuana_!"

"Marry-wanna? Cool, Hermy. But I wanna shag first..."

Nad's grin faltered. "Why not? I find it to be a perfectly capable Happiness Potion. Is there something wrong, Miss Granger?"

"_Yes_, there _is_, Professor! Don't you know there are harmful side-effects to Marijuana?!"

"...Harmful side-effects?"

"Whooooa! The lights are totally _spinning_, man! _Spinning_!"

Hermione, appalled by >D's lack of Muggle drug knowledge, launched into a rather detailed analysis of Marijuana and its harmful effects. It wasn't until about 5 or 10 minutes later, when... 

"..So Marijuana is a very dangerous Muggle drug! It's _illegal_ in the Muggle world, Professor! Don't you see how it can hur--"

"That'll be quite enough, Hermione. I see that I have been somewhat... mistaken in this situation," Nad interrupted, albeit still with a wide grin. "However, Harry should be fine in a few hours. I wouldn't worry about him."

Harry, however, was busily using a cauldron as a new hat. "Duuuuude! It's all... _dark_ in here!"

Hermione gave her friend a wary look before turning her sights back onto Nad. "Oh, _no_! I'm going to take Harry down to the hospital wing now. Madam Pomfrey can look over him until he's better."

"Ah, but Miss Granger, I don't think Harry really _needs_ to be taken to the hospital wing. He's doing perfectly fine. Right, class?" Too bad Draco was absent for potions this time--the morning's traumas were too much for him to go and deal with his least favorite teacher. He would have found this entire ordeal hilarious.

Ron, however, was beginning to become unsure of Harry's health. "I don't know, Professor. He seems a bit..." The scarred boy yelped as he walked into a wall with a shout of "OUCH! Whoa, my _head_'s all light...like a _feather_!" Ron frowned. "...unbalanced. You sure he'll be all right?"

"He _will be_ if I can take him to the hospital wing," Hermione sniffed hautily as she stepped over to the Very High Harry. She gently slipped the cauldron off his head. "Come on, Harry. It's time to visit Madam Pomfrey."

"DUUUUDE! Are we, like, gonna shag in the hallways, Hermy-baby? _Tubular_."

Hermione gave Harry a flabbergasted look, face flaming beet red at his comment. Never mind that he was only an 11-year-old boy and, most likely, quite a few years too young to do such a thing. She opened her mouth as if to say something, then thought better of it, shaking her head and leading her friend to the door. "Come on. We've got to get you to the hospital wing."

"_Hey!_ Thanks for that totally _gnarly_ stuff, Professor Balls! Hermy-baby n' I are gonna go shag in the hallways now, man! Wish me _luck_!" He gave the Professor a lopsided grin. "Peace and love, man."

Hermione dragged the dazed and confused Harry off without another word as Nad continued to grin senselessly.

Ron stared after his LSD-intoxicated best friend. After a few moments of contemplation and a quick check to make sure Hermione was out of earshot, he turned back to >D.

"So do you have any extra vials of that _wicked_ stuff, Professor?"

((And this, boys and girls, was the attempt to make Harry a trite less boring for at least a smidget of the fic. ^_~)) 

--------------------------------

Hours later, Harry was finally released by a reluctant Madame Pomfrey. He had spent all day in bed with various detoxification spells and potions thrown his way...not that he remembered the events all too clearly. In fact, all of Potions class had been reduced to one gigantic blur. Hermione wasn't willing to tell him what had happened, either.

"For the last time, Harry, I'm _not_ going to tell you!" she stubbornly insisted. "Ask _Ron_ if you need to know so badly. I doubt you'd like what you hear, anyway."

Harry sighed. He was still a bit disoriented, but he knew exactly what his goal was for the night. "Right. I'll ask him why my head's so dizzy after we check Nad's store room..."

"_Harry!_" Hermione exclaimed, astonished at the suggestion. "You _can't_ be serious about going today! You've only _just_ recovered--"

"I feel _fine_," Harry ensured before promptly tripping over his own two feet. He grinned sheepishly and shrugged. "I wanna get it over with, anyway. We're goin'." Hermione rolled her eyes, but held her tongue for once. She couldn't change his mind, after all.

Harry and Hermione went straight back to the Gryffindor Tower from the hospital wing. The two notified Ron of the night's plans (who complained endlessly, bringing up the matter that he had absolutely _NO_ SLEEP the night before, but begrudgingly agreeing anyway) and awaited nightfall to set their plans into motion. Harry and Ron went up to the boy's dormitories to wait for the coming of night. Suddenly Harry stopped short, goggling at the huge amount of get-well presents piled on his bed. Most prominent was a huge pile of Chocolate Frogs that lay at the foot of his bed, awaiting unwrapping. Taking one at random, he unwrapped it and bit into it, eyeing the card in his hand.

GANDALF THE GRAY 

?~Third Age 3018

**A**rguably one of the most powerful and influential wizards of all time,

Gandalf the Gray was instrumental in the downfall of the Dark Lord Sauron,

Maker of the One Ring of Power. Leading the Fellowship of the Ring through the

vast mines of Moria, he fell into the darkness when the ancient Balrog

dragged him down into the vast pits under the mountain Caradhras. 

Ron glanced idly at Harry's card, then did a double take, scrambling over and snatching the thing out of Harry's hand. 

"_Wicked!_" the boy exclaimed, staring wide-eyed at the small, sparkling silver card in his hand. Turning to Harry, he started speaking excitedly, "Gandalf the Gray was a special Collector's Edition! There were only a hundred copies and they've all been found already! This one card is worth _hundreds of Galleons_, Harry!

But Harry wasn't listening to him. He was staring at the card that had come from another frog, which lay at his feet. He turned with a bemused look to Ron, holding out the card. "Is this one worth more, then?"

GANDALF THE WHITE 

Third Age 3018~?

**W**idely acknowledged as _the_ most powerful and influential wizard of all time,

Gandalf the White's foresight and careful planning led to the Light's victory in the War

of the Ring. He also brought about the downfall of the fallen wizard Saruman the Many-Colored.

He crossed the Great Sea (current name and location unknown) at the end of the Third Age, and revealed

that he had been the bearer of the Elven Ring Narya. His true name was Olorin.

Ron almost fainted as he stared at the small slip of enchanted paper that Harry held. He swooned and wobbled before falling backwards onto his bed. "Gandalf... the White..." he managed to whisper, before he passed out cold on Harry's bed.

After staring at his unconscious friend for a moment, Harry pulled out his wand and revived Ron, who instantly jumped for the Gandalf the White card. His eyes were bulging in a way that reminded Harry unpleasantly of Filch. Stopping his suddenly insane friend with a splayed hand, Harry asked Ron what the hell was so important about the goddamned card. 

...In slightly gentler terms, of course. *cough*

"You don't _understand_, Harry! Gandalf the White is a _unique_ card! It's the _first card ever made!!!_ It's worth more than _Malfoy's mansion!!!_" Ron shouted, attracting much attention from everybody else in the boy's dormitories. Harry's eyes widened; he hadn't known that it was worth quite _that_ much.

After finally convincing Ron to shut up about the card (and locking the thing into his trunk; it gave Harry a warm feeling inside to have something that cost more than Malfoy's estate that could fit in the palm of his hand), Harry and Ron settled into their four-poster beds, waiting for nightfall.

In the time it took for the sun to set and for their roommates to go to bed, Ron and Harry were able to play two games of Wizard Chess (Harry lost twice-couldn't concentrate), finish their 4 foot long parchment essay for Sonores (Harry STILL had to do it), eat dinner, and play a few games of Exploding Snap. They even helped Neville Longbottom search for Trevor the Toad for a bit (until they found out the amphibian was hiding beneath the boy's pillow the entire time). 

With the aid of the ever-so-useful invisibility cloak, they finally left the tower at roughly 10 PM.

"I'm _so_ glad it's Friday," Ron moaned in a hushed voice. "I'll sleep in and skip breakfast if I have to tomorrow." 

"Same," Harry whispered in reply. "I fee' like the walkin' dead. And I can barely walk straight."

"Well, _I'm_ going to go straight to the library after breakfast tomorrow," Hermione snorted. "I want to see if there's any hint at all as to the construction of Hogwarts and any secret passageways it may have. I'll tell you if I find anything when you two wake up." 

"SHHH! Someone's comin'!" Harry whispered urgently in his moment of clarity as the trio stopped dead and listened to the hollow, echoing sounds of footsteps approaching.

It was >D. He was patrolling the halls around the Potions dungeon. He was humming and whistling a merry tune to himself (it sounded suspiciously like "Don't Worry...Be Happy"), evidently happy about something. But then again, he didn't ever seem to be _un_happy.

The trio silently slipped past their still-humming Potions professor with relative ease. The humming easily masked the sounds of their footsteps; _very_ fortunate. Simple enough, so far. 

"So how do we get in? It's locked," Ron murmured. "I suppose we can't, huh? Let's go to bed."

Hermione grabbed hold of his robes before he had the chance to get away. "Oh, _no_, you don't. We can still get in." With that, she calmly pulled out her wand. "_Alohomora_!" she chanted, moving to open the door...

Nothing happened. It was still locked.

"...Well? You were _saying_?" Ron retorted smugly. "Told you we can't get in."

Hermione frowned. "It must have some sort of enchantment on it to block out the unlocking spell. We'll have to use conventional methods." She dug into her robes and pulled out a paperclip (hey, it was useful to keep her parchments together) and bent it so that it was a relatively straight, thin piece of wire. Ron gave Hermione an awe-filled gaze as she picked the lock and pushed the door open with a satisfied, grim smile.

"How'd you _do_ that?" Ron demanded as he stepped into Nad's office behind Harry and Hermione. They had slipped the invisibility cloak off and set it aside for later.

"You'd be surprised at what Muggle methods can do, Ron," Hermione said. He snorted derisively.

"A good wand and a wizard who knows how to use it is better than a Muggle and his eclectriticy any day," he said haughtily.

Hermione glared at her red-haired friend, who was looking remarkably smug. "You're starting to sound like Malfoy, Ron." Let the Bickering Match begin. For the fifty-seventh time.

Harry, meanwhile, had already approached the wall filled with potion ingredients (sorted by the required climate for each--one section for Cold ingredients, another for room temperature, one section for the dangerous ones, etc) with a bit of a stagger. "Ya have the listy, 'ermione?"

The boy's friends halted mid-argument as the only female of the group pulled out the crumpled piece of parchment from the night before. "Here it is." Hermione studied the list, then looked up at the shelves. "The first thing we need is demiguise hair, preferably...although unicorn hair will work in its place if simmered in a cauldron of pure spring water for thirty minutes." 

Harry stared at Hermione for a bit longer than he usually would have (being as out of it as he was), attempting to register her words before he finally nodded and began to scan the shelves. Hermione stepped up beside him and sifted through the various ingredients.

"Let's see...root of asphodel...armadillo bile...tarantula legs..." she frowned, brow furrowing. "That's funny...where could it be?" The trio scanned the shelves once, twice...three times; but to no avail.

Demiguise hair _and_ unicorn hair were both missing from the rather large store of potion ingredients and supplies.

"Well, _great_. Now what do we do?" Ron demanded as he paced about the office. "Snape must have stolen all of it! That slimy _git_."

"Don't jump to conclusions, Ron. We still have the _rest_ of the ingredients to attend to." She checked the list for the next few. "All right...we need some yew tree bark, earthworms, mud, and bubotuber pus."

Ron wrinkled his nose in disgust. "And you're expected to _drink_ that?!" he exclaimed, aghast. "Gross!"

"Taste has nothing to do with its purpose, Ron," she said curtly, unaware of how close this was to Snape's own defensive line. "We're not going to drink it, anyway. We _do_ have the invisibility cloak, you know."

"All _right_, all _right_," Ron muttered as he stared back at the shelves.

To the group's dismay, yew bark and bubotuber pus weren't available, either. Earthworms and mud were easily obtained, of course, but _all_ of the important ingredients missing? That was a tad bit suspicious.

"This can't be right!" Hermione exclaimed, searching the shelves frantically. "How could they have disappeared? Snape wouldn't need _all_ of it for himself, would he? It just makes no-"

A sound from the door interrupted her hysterics. A voice shattered the trio¡¯s thoughts. "Warning. Security system online," a man declared in a high-pitched, monotonous imitation of a female computerized voice. "Intruder _alert_. Intruder _alert_. Intruder _alert_. Countermeasures activated." The trio whirled around, coming face-to-face with Professor >D himself. The next time he spoke, he abruptly switched back to his normal tone.

"Well, how are you all today, my little thieves?" he asked with a grin, an indiscernible glint in his eye.

"Er...Hello, Professor Nads!" Ron exclaimed nervously. "We didn't mean anything by this... so... **PLEASEDON'TGIVEUSDETENTION**!" Boy, he was desperate. Perhaps he just wanted to go back to sleep? "We won't do this again, we _swear_! Anything but to put up with another day with Filch, Sir..."

Hermione gulped and faced her Professor, fearing the worst. With _two_ detentions within two days, she'd _never_ become a prefect in her later years of Hogwarts...

"Detention?" Nad laughed heartily. "I won¡¯t give you three a detention _or_ remove any house points. I think you've had your fair share of detentions already, no?" he said with a wink and a twinkle in his eye. Of course, if the trio would bother to look closer, they would notice how much less pleasant his grin had become.

"Thank you, Professor," Harry said, still dazed. "We'll be going now." He began to stagger to the door, only to be pushed back gently by >D.

"...But you're not leaving yet." Nad smiled and motioned to a few chairs in front of his desk. "Have a seat, you three. I suppose I need to talk to you..."

The trio hesitantly sat down, wondering what, exactly, was going on. How was >D going to punish them? As far as they knew, he hadn't officially punished _anyone_ all year just yet. He wouldn't _really_ give them any extra work...would he?

Nads drummed his fingers on his desk, smiling at his three pupils in turn. "Well. Hermoine, I'm afraid I need to ask you for that piece of parchment in your hand, dear."

Hermione, in turn, guiltily handed over the crumpled ingredients and procedures to brewing an invisibility potion. She shot Ron and Harry an 'I told you so' look, as if to say she were _right_ about today being a bad time to try this. Nad patiently straightened out the piece of parchment and skimmed it over.

"...Invisibility potion, Hermione? Where, I daresay, had you found this?"

"In the library, Professor."

He cocked an eyebrow at his pupil. "A potion like this could be found in the library?"

"...In the restricted section, Professor."

"Ah. I see!" Nad grinned as he folded the parchment up and slipped it away into an inner pocket of his robes. "And what use would you have with an invisibility potion? Something like that is not meant for students. I'm sure you were well aware of that."

"Yes, Professor. I was."

"Then why did you look up such a potion? You have no use for it." Nad drummed his fingers against his desk in a strange sort of rhythm, purposely causing his students to become more nervous by the second.

Hermione hadn't really wanted to speak to Nad about the entire Snape ordeal. Understandable, since she hadn't really begun to trust him as much as, say, Professor McGonagall or Headmaster Dumbledore yet. She made up an excuse instead. "I wanted a challenge, Professor. I'm finding your lessons to be a bit too simple for me, so I decided to study Potions in-depth on my own."

Nad's grin shifted to a more sardonic look. "You and I both know that wasn't your true motive, child." Hermione's eyes widened, quite startled at Professor >D's words. His smile became pleasant once more. "I don't want you three to sneak around where you don't belong, now. It would be most unfortunate for my coworker and superior if all of you were to get yourselves hurt. Agreed?"

Harry stared blankly at Nad for a few seconds. "So yer lettin' us go? No punishment?" he asked quietly, a hint of a slur to his words.

"Are you for _real_?" Ron demanded, full of shock.

Nad smiled cheerfully and folded his arms. Upon close inspection, one would notice that he clutched his left forearm a bit too tightly to seem comfortable. "No true punishment."

Hermione, however, was perturbed by all of this. What had Nad _meant_ when he said 'cowork_er_' and 'superior'? Why hadn't he just mentioned Dumbledore and the _other_ Hogwarts professors? But he only mentioned _one_ coworker. Sonores? She arrived at the same time as >D, after all. Hermione frowned, unsure of herself. Something wasn't right. He had been far too vague for comfort.

The brain of the trio gave >D a puzzled look. She hadn't replied for awhile, simply contemplated the options. _Wait_...what was...What did no 'true' punishment mean? No _official_ punishment...?

Hermione gasped as realization dawned upon her. Loudly. _Oh, MERLIN..._

"You....!" she forced out, wide-eyed and quite shaken. "But....!"

Nad grinned. "So glad you figured it out, Hermione, dear." Ron and Harry gave >D and Hermione puzzled looks. What was going on? "But I'm afraid I can't allow you to walk away freely knowing this information. No?"

None had noticed the professor's wand until it was too late. He whipped it out and leveled it at Hermione first, smiling widely.

"_Obliviate_." 

--------------------------------

Darkness had fallen over Hogwarts, and many students were retiring to their common rooms, ready for a good night's rest after the long school day. Argus Filch and Mrs. Norris roamed the hallways with their lamplike eyes, ready to pick out any malingerers (and clandestine snoggers) who may have ignored the curfew. At the sound of Filch's heavy footsteps and the soft meow of Mrs. Norris, a black shadow, too fast and small to be seen properly in the dim lighting, darted away across the grounds. Filch paid it no mind; he was on the lookout for students, not pests.

The small animal stopped to get hold of its surroundings and a convenient patch of moonlight illuminated the creature.

It was a rat.

Of course, anybody worth his or her grain of salt would also know that this rat was known as Scabbers, formerly known as Peter Pettigrew. Also formerly known as Wormtail, which is a name which the author likes a lot, and will be using much from now on. Wormtail scampered quickly across the grass, glancing around cautiously. It wouldn't do to get caught after almost twelve years of successful concealment.

The rat, of course, had learned of Sirius Black's escape, and, being the paranoid little git he was, he assumed that the convict was out for his blood.

Sometimes, you know, it sucks to be right.

Carefully chewing a hole into the picture of a fruit bowl (and ignoring the indignant cries of the grapes as he did so) he slipped in and looked around. The house elves were all absent; after all, even they couldn't work around the clock without rest. 

There was an abrupt shift in Wormtail's shadow, and suddenly the figure hunched on all fours was not a rat, but a man. A balding, pointy-faced man with watery pale eyes who would have looked a great deal more at home in a bakery than hunched on the floor in frayed, bloodstained robes. 

Wormtail fell on the bread and milk arrayed on the table with an eager snuffle, spilling some in a desperate effort to get it all into his mouth. As it was, only a tiny portion actually managed to accomplish his objective; the rest found a home on his now stained robes. Eventually he slowed down, savoring every morsel before leaning back with a huge belch that shook the ceiling. It had been a little over three days since he'd had anything to eat.

In the silence following his mighty burp, a faint, mosquito-like sound tickled Wormtail's senses. He gave a careless shrug and reached for another loaf of bread; nobody could possibly be awake at this time of night. The buzzing noise approached, finally forcing Wormtail to glance up. He froze, the bread slipping forgotten from his grasp. It landed with a slight thud and rolled away underneath an oven.

"My, my. What have we here?" a cruel, high-pitched voice said. "Why, it's Wormtail, back after his oh-so-sudden... _departure_ from my side." The voice sounded quite amused about it all.

The wormish tail in question cowered in front of the object that the camera stubbornly refused to focus on, blubbering madly. "M-m-my Lord! W-w-what a p-p-p-pleasant surprise!" Quickly he knelt and scraped on the ground, wailing his little watery eyes out.

The voice seemed to float closer, and the more it did, the more Wormtail's trembling increased. "Why, I'm not angry at all, _Wormtail_," it said coldly. Pettigrew relaxed slightly, although he was still wary of the floating ball in front of him. "Lord Voldemort doesn't get angry..."

"**_he gets revenge._**"

A terrified scream echoed through the kitchens, but when Filch arrived, panting madly, there was nobody there.

--------------------------------

It's true. All those rabbits that're pulled from top hats? Well, they're not rabbits. They're wizards serving time for deeds that aren't bad enough to be sent to Azkaban for, yet still more serious than a simple fine could cover.

We apologize for certain errors that may occur with the magical creatures. You see... neither of us owns the book 'Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them' so we've been making do with online summaries. Which is why our quintapeds have bagpipes and kilts and speak in outrageous Scottish brogue. *slaps an AU label on that too* Watch out for our twisted interpretation of nundu, coming soon. XD Ach, laddies an' lassies! Dunna think that the braw party's o'er yet! XD Next Chapter: VALENTINES DAY. Ph33|2. XD XD

Much thanks to Nancy and Jeanna, who beta our stories (and groan at the typoes, most surely) and to Telepwen (Sara) and Sarah (also Sarah? XD) and the mysterious Unregistered (XD) fer taking the trouble to review. We survived for a few days on those reviews. XD 


	10. Chapter 10: \/4|_3|\|+||\|3'5 |4y |20x0|...

Title: The Convict Trio and the Wings of the Heir (10/?)

Name: Voldie For Prez

Email: hsfnww@yahoo.com

Category: Humor

Keywords: Lupin, Snape, Sirius, Merlin, Armani

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: All Four Books, FB

Summary: AU fic. Lupin and Snape get into a fight at lunch. Eventually hauled off to Azkaban, they escape (with Sirius Black in tow) and set off to clear their names. Includes a teacher named Nads, Voldie playing Quidditch, snazzy Armani suits, Merlin's sense of humor, stinkbomb potions, but only a tiny bit of snogging. We're so sorry. 

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. Sonores and Nads are ours.

Author's Note: We'd.. umm.. like to thank JKR, fer making the incredibly diverse world that we mold like putty and make fanfics out of. Lari would like to thank Kels for getting her started in Harry Potter RPing. BTW, we're two people, really. I'm Akane and that's Lari. *points to invisible people* Her AIM is eyeKEELyuu and mine is Scary BogMonster. Err.. that's pretty much it. XD Lari would like to say...'MWAAR! Yah, we're crazy.' Visit our equally crazy RPG at http://www.geocities.com/hsfnww/index2.html XD XD

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\/4|_3|\|+||\|3'5 |4y |20x0|25!!!111

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Lari's AN: This is our Lockhart Bashing chapter. You have been forewarned of the consequences. :D

Akane's AN: A very unwelcome face makes his way to Hogwarts for Valentine's. Except for those of you who support idiotic gits. :D For those of you who do, I have just one thing to say... *points behind you* OH MY _GAWD!!!_ WHAT THE HELL _IS_ THAT?!?! *pulls out a mallet and starts advancing*

--------------------------------

"So what should we do _now_?"

"I say we forget it all ever happened. We aren't getting anywhere, anyway."

"And leave Harry in the line of considerable danger with no form of protection or retaliation?" the speaker snorted. "I think _not_."

"Of _course_ not! I just don't see what we can do!"

"We can search for some clues as to where those potion ingredients were taken, for a start. I lost the list, but I'm _sure_ I remember most of them..."

"Search for clues? Like _what_? A footprint of _mud_? The odds are against us with potion ingredients like _that_, you know!"

Harry sighed as Hermione and Ron bickered on and on relentlessly. He knew better than to interrupt their verbal sparring matches--they would _both_ turn on him if he tried a bit of his own input. Besides, he had no idea what to do anymore, either. Sure, they took turns patrolling the corridors for an hour or two at night...but they'd found _nothing_ as of yet to clue them in to Snape's and Black's hideout.

It was a rather suspenseful time. The trio had no idea when the criminals would strike, after all. But, today was a SPECIAL day! For it was Valentine's Day. :D

However, the only sign of there being a holiday at all was the girls' constant gabbing about who they sent cards to, Nad's hot pink robes (with the words "I Degnomed A Garden And All I Got Were These Stupid Robes" inscribed across the front in red), and the heart decorations (and foods in shades of red and pink) floating about here and there.

The mail arrived on schedule, as did the actual breakfast meal and Seamus's attempts at casting spells at the table (and blowing his magically-pink heart-shaped toast to smithereens). Fred and George were devising various pranks to play on the students and staff alike. Neville Longbottom was making every effort to remember what he had forgotten. Percy pompously went on and on about the importance of following the rules and earning good grades.

It wasn't until a Hufflepuff girl said "Isn't a famous wizard supposed to arrive at Hogwarts today?" when the doors of the Great Hall were swept open majestically.

A dashing man with wavy blond hair, sparkling blue eyes, and a _killer_ smile stood at the door, his large pearly whites bared conceitedly for all to swoon over. He swaggered to the front of the room, happily greeting squealing females as he strode past them.

"MERLIN'S BEARD! IT'S _GILDEROY LOCKHART_!"

"Isn't he just the most handsome wizard you've ever seen?!"

"I can't believe he's _here_, of all places!"

Even _Hermione_ got a starry-eyed look to her as she watched Gilderoy approach the staff table. Professor McGonagall, the Deputy Headmistress, gave Lockhart a wary look and cocked a single eyebrow at him as he stood before the students.

"MY LOVING FANS! Yes, it is I, Gilderoy Lockhart!" he began with a dashing smile, causing a few Hufflepuff girls to faint with adoration. "I would first like to assure you that I will _gladly_ sign autographs for all of you today." Cheers erupted from all the females present, along with one girl who shouted "CAN YOU SIGN MY PANTIES, GILDEROY?!" Although most blushed at this request, Gilderoy simply chuckled and winked her way. She swooned and reseated herself with a triumphant grin.

"But for now, the point of My special visit: Happy Valentine's Day, students of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!" he announced jovially. The females whistled. The majority of the staff glared, wondering just _what_ this obvious braggart of a man had in mind for the day. Nad, however, simply looked as if he were forcing his normally relaxed, easy grin. "Classes are _CANCELLED_ for the day in honor of this special event!"

This earned cheers from the entire school.

"WOW! We don't have to go to Sonores's class today, Harry! Isn't that great?"

"Uh...Ron...you were just asking me a minute ago how much I wanted to bet you that he still slept with his teddy bear."

"SO?" Ron snorted. "Anyone who cancels classes can't be all _that_ ba--"

"_HUSH!_" Hermione hissed, awarding Gilderoy her full attention. "He's talking again!"

Lockhart had seated himself upon the staff table, that Irritating, Conceited Smile still plastered on his face. "And, instead, it will be a day of _love_! A day to declare your school age crushes! A day to open up your heart to the _light in your life_!" He grinned and motioned to the staff. Draco Malfoy scowled and muttered about all of 'this rubbish' and how he'd rather learn how to make a Dissolving Solution to rid of that awful grin on the man's face. "Please, feel free to ask your Potions Master to brew you up a Love Potion--"

"I don't brew Love Potions," Nad muttered as an excuse, smile still forced. He seemed to know the full extent of Gilderoy's evil and tried to stay out of it as much as possible. It looked like he was losing.

"--Or perhaps you would like to learn an Infatuation Charm! Learn how to transfigure a rock into a bouquet of flowers _any_ girl would fall for! The possibilities are _endless_..." Another girl leapt up, interrupting the speech, and shouted, "KISS ME, GILDEROY! I'M HOT FOR YOU!" ("Ten Points from Hufflepuff!" McGonagall warned). Lockhart laughed heartily and winked once more. "I may be irresistible, but _now_ is not the time, Miss, for this is worth a _celebration_, not _just_ snogging!"

Ron groaned pitifully at the display. "Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" 

Unfortunately, Ron's bad feelings were quite justified, as it had been proven. Lockhart looked around, obviously searching for a place to sit. Although many girls (and some boys) hurriedly rose and offered their chairs, his gaze fell on the high throne at the middle of the High Table. Swaggering casually over, he seated himself at Dumbledore's usual chair (it was empty, due to the Headmaster's absence), earning glares from the entire Hogwarts staff. Sonores rolled her eyes and decided to give her breakfast her undying, rapt attention. Nad's grin threatened to dissipate.

"Now that _I've_ finally arrived, let's liven this school's decorations up!" To demonstrate, he calmly plucked a floating red heart out of the air before him. He pointed his wand at the offending heart and flashed another dashing smile. "_Decoratum_!" he intoned. A puff of lavender smoke engulfed he and the heart, making a noxious stink (akin to Nad's Stink Potions, but somehow worse). A few members of the staff (mainly, Sprout and Flitwick) coughed, spluttered, and waved away the foul-smelling end product of the spell Gilderoy performed.

When the smoke cleared, the students gasped in shock. A few females sighed with admiration. For Gilderoy was holding...

A red skull.

The Slytherins snickered. The Gryffindors were appalled (a few scared, even). The Staff was _not happy_. Gilderoy laughed nervously.

"Uh...I meant to do that! To show you all _just_ how beautiful _anything_ could be on Valentine's Day!" He hastily snatched a bouquet of flowers from the table and stuffed the stems into the skull's empty eye sockets. "Isn't it just _lovely_?" The Hufflepuff girls (along with the Ravenclaws) swooned in response. Apparently, they were hanging on everything Lockhart said.

Ron gaped at Lockhart. "...Can this guy be _real_?"

Harry gave his friend a skeptical look. "I don't think he meant to turn it into..._that_."

"My vote's that he's a fake."

"Hope he leaves soon."

"_Nonsense_!" Hermione butted in. "I'm _sure_ he meant to do that. Besides, he's handing out signed copies of _Magical Me_, and I wouldn't mind some more reading material from an accomplished hero against the Dark Arts."

Harry and Ron gave their friend a dubious look, a sinking feeling developing in the pits of their stomachs. It was going to be a _long_ day.

--------------------------------

In the staff room, a large, full-body poster of Gilderoy Lockhart had been set up. It grinned and winked like it always did, but that would change soon. Professor McGonagall, having nothing to do, had challenged Flitwick, Sprout and Sonores to a game of darts. The house heads were eager to join in the game of spear-the-git, and soon a vase of flowers had been sacrificed to make a variety of darts with the words '_Avada Kedavra_' and '_Crucio_' inscribed on them. The games began in earnest.

It turned out that both Sonores and McGonagall were considerable dart throwers, and their natural house rivalry sprang up, causing the Lockhart in the poster much consternation and discomfort. Sprout had given up after she sent a dart flying into the staff fireplace and another straight between the eyes of Mildred the Muddy's picture. She sulked in a chair, a large glass of Ogden's Olde Firewhisky clutched in her hand. 

Flitwick glared at his darts, as though it was their fault that he couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with them. After watching the two teachers throw more darts into Lockhart's face for a while, he pulled out his wand with a huff and waved it at his darts, muttering, "_Spiculum Leviosa._" Half of his darts rose and sped towards the hapless poster, slamming directly into Gilderoy's paper crotch. A sympathetic wince came from Professors Nad, Hornsby and Jurne (Muggle Studies and Ancient Runes). More from the ingrained male sense of groinal sympathy pain phenomena than any concern for Lockhart himself.

Another incantation from Flitwick sent the rest of his darts running headlong into where the poster's heart would be. A brief, pained shriek came from the blond idiot and he slumped in his poster, dead. Sonores smirked wryly while McGonagall gave a small smile and a short nod to Flitwick. The little wizard blushed and bowed as the room erupted into applause.

Luckily, Filch cleared away the poster and disappeared down a secret tunnel just as the staff room door slammed open, revealing none other than Gilderoy Lockhart himself. He blinked as he noticed the prominent grins on the faces of each and every single one of the staff. "Did I miss something?" he asked blandly, looking rather put out.

Nad's grin grew, if possible, even wider. 

"Nothing important, Gilderoy."

--------------------------------

It was lunchtime, and the students weren't enjoying the absence of classes as much as they thought they would. Just before lunch, Gilderoy Lockhart had gathered all the Hogwarts students to the Great Hall, followed by a gaggle of girls (including Hermione) who screamed for his autograph. The fraud was carrying a large cloth-covered box that occasionally gave a large tremble, nearly knocking the thing out of his hands. Those who hadn't been fooled by his manicured nails and rogueish grin eyed the box nervously. Anything that Gilderoy Lockhart thought was good must be either extremely dangerous or completely ludicrous.

Lockhart set the container on the High Table and looked around darkly, the sparkle in his eyes gone and the rogueish grin mysteriously absent. The girls gasped in horror; what could be so dangerous, so incredibly evil as to make the daring Gilderoy Lockhart, defeater of the Wagga-Wagga Werewolf (with a smile on his face) and possessor of the Order of Merlin, so serious? As if in answer to their unspoken question, he began speaking in a low, dark voice.

"I have, through various sources, managed to acquire a large supplies of one of the most _dangerous_ creatures known to man. (The girls gasped, and three Hufflepuffs fainted. Again.) But fear not!" Here, his grin started to return. "For I, Gilderoy Lockhart, have managed to tame these terrible beasts! **BEHOLD! _CUPIDS OF LOVE!!!_**" He whipped off the cloth and revealed...

A horde of Cornish pixies.

They rose out of the box like a swarm of angry bees. In fact, they buzzed like angry bees, but they certainly were _not_ yellow and black-banded. In fact, they weren't even their usual electric blue. No, Gilderoy Lockhart, colossal git, had somehow managed to dye them a fluorescent neon pink. They looked mighty peeved at the moment, as their exquisite, lacey dragonfly-like wings had been somehow horribly changed into leathery, clawed straps of skin. No doubt Gilderoy Fophart had been aiming for feathers.

The scariest part was that they had bows and arrows. As the pixies gazed around the crowd of stunned faces, they grinned evilly and drew an arrow each, nocking it and drawing it back. All arrows pointed straight at Gilderoy Lockhart. His eyes widened and he threw himself to the side (knocking over a few adoring fans) as a couple dozen arrows whizzed past the place he had been just a moment before. They stuck into the stone floor, demonstrating just how sharp they were.

The Great Hall became an absolute mess as the teachers stood up and began casting Deflecting Charms on everything within wand range. The pixies seemed to be aiming especially for Gilderoy, but their horrible aim insured that a stray arrow or two found its way into hapless students. Neville hollered, grabbing his bottom and hopping around like a kangaroo, his bum stuck with a pair of barbed arrows.

Making a desperate gamble, >D grabbed a vial from his robes and threw it up hard. It flew through the air and, incredibly, (saying a lot for Nad's arm strength) smashed against the ceiling. The moment it did, tendrils made of white thread burst out and wrapped around anything that moved: pretty much everyone in the Hall. Nad, who had stayed perfectly still, dispelled the lines on the students and teachers.

After the Cornish pixies were under wraps, Gilderoy grinned sheepishly (the girls didn't seem to care about the sheepish part) and sat once more at Dumbledore's empty seat. The boys, on the other hand, glared at him. He shifted uneasily, his grin faltering for a second, before his gaze shifted to the male students, who were mostly dressed in the drab, dark Hogwarts robes. Standing up with a flourish (and knocking his golden plate off the table and into a graceful parabolic arc that carried it through the air to collide with Professor McGonagall's cranium), he waved his wand through the air, releasing a cloud of pink gas. It spread through the Great Hall, dyeing everything it touched a deep shade of yellow and violet. Including skin, hair, and teeth. Let's take a moment to imagine that, everyone. Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, with purple skin and sickly yellow teeth, wearing bright yellow glasses.

The teachers had managed to deflect the... dangerous gas, and were quickly obliterating the spell on the students, but Fophart was not deterred by their lack of enthusiasm. Noting Professor Sonores (who was dressed in solid black robes that seemed to say 'I hate pink. I really do.'), he grinned and pointed his wand directly at her (causing no small amount of consternation from the teacher in question) and started talking, "You know, my dear, those robes are so dreary and depressing. _Induviae Eradico!_" A flash of bright yellow energy suddenly burst out of his wand and enveloped Sonores, then slowly faded, leaving her...

Naked.

Gilly Fophart had evidently not learned his Latin properly. 

Now, if Serena Sonores had not been an individual with an iron will and control of her senses, she would have screamed, killing everyone in the Great Hall and ending our story right here. Fortunately for us, she _was_ an individual with an iron will and control of her senses, and she restrained her urge to scream and run out of the Hall as soon as possible. Instead, she instantly activated the charm on her seat that took her directly through a secret passage beneath Hogwarts and into her room, where she could fume and pout in peace.

Too bad for her she wasn't fast enough to prevent the boys in Hogwarts from getting an eyeful of extremely voluptuous skin. A few nosebleeds sprang up and a dazed, happy light filled the eyes of most of the third year boys and up. Gilderoy Lockhart was grinning, looking none-too-displeased at the spell he'd cast.

Nad was grinning, too. But it wasn't a really happy grin. It was one of them grins you have on your face when you finally track down your mother's murderer, and you find him bowing and scraping, whimpering pathetically for forgiveness. And you have a lightsaber. He seemed to be fiddling with his spoon.

Flitwick, who was sitting beside >D, hesitantly tapped his arm. "Knum? Are you alright?" he asked, looking up at the grinning wizard. The Charms teacher gave a startled jump as Nad suddenly whipped around and stared vacantly at him, a huge, smirking smile plastered on his face from ear to ear. 

"Oh! Filius!!! Did you NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED SOMETHING?!" Nad asked, a maniacal light shining dangerously in his eyes. Flitwick glanced at the man's hands and noted with a faint hint of disbelief that somehow, Nad had managed to compress his soup spoon into a perfectly smooth sphere of metal with his bare hands. >D followed the short wizard's gaze to the former spoon in his hands, then looked up at Flitwick again. "YEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS?!?!?!?"

The Ravenclaw house head's eyes widened before he turned back to his plate (which had suddenly become indescribably interesting), muttering something that could be interpreted as "Oh my God the man isn't human" or "Nothing, Knum". Apparently Nad chose the latter and grinned widely, nodding. Abruptly getting to his feet, he started walking jauntily towards Sonores' living quarters, casually tossing the spoon-ball from hand to hand.

Nobody noticed this, as all the students were still either staring vacantly into space, occupied by thoughts of Professor Sonores au naturale, or transfixed by Gilderoy Lockhart, who was still grinning. The staff was glaring at him and more than one of them had their wands out and were ready to curse the git.

The timely intervention of lunch interrupted the staff before they could do unpleasant things to Gilly Fophart, and they started eating, shooting suspicious glares at Lockhart, who was completely unaware of how close he had come to an untimely death. The plates filled with (pink) food and the goblets were suddenly brimming with (neon pink) liquid. Nobody paid the pink beverage mind. After all, it was Valentine's Day. Everything was pink.

Oliver Wood had just taken a drink of his pleasantly tangy pink beverage when he spotted Harry Potter. The burly fifth year suddenly noticed how graceful the boy's movements were, how he laughed joyously with his friends. He looked so completely _ravishing..._

Across the Great Hall, Roger Davies and Cedric Diggory were starting to have similar thoughts about the Boy Who Lived. They started to move slowly towards Harry, who was completely unaware of the attention fixed on him. He hadn't touched his drink. 

--------------------------------

Somewhere down the hallway, Nad stopped and tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Whatever did Gilderoy want with all that Love Potion? Nearly begged on his hands and knees for it, he did..."

--------------------------------

A general dogpile was starting to form in the Great Hall as all the students started snogging viciously. Draco, who hadn't eaten anything, was desperately trying to escape from the attentions of both Marcus Flint and Pansy Parkinson, both of whom were rather intent on dragging him into a dark closet and shagging his brains out. Forced to choose the two, Draco would rather have picked Pansy (who was, although certainly not pretty, at least _female_) rather than Flint (who had buck teeth and was ugly and most importantly, male). As it was, he wanted neither. Slowly backing away, the poor boy tripped on a fallen goblet and was soon snatched up by the pair and dragged into a broom closet. Poor boy. It seems the fates are out to get him. :P

Suddenly, Professor McGonagall jumped to her feet and, giving Lockhart a glare that would put Snape to shame, waved her wand through the air.

****

"_FINITE INCANTATUM!_"

The entire Hall stopped dead for a moment, gave a huge collective blink, then rushed back into their seats. Parkinson and Flint wandered out of the closet, looking ruffled but otherwise none the worse for wear. After them, Draco staggered out, his robes torn and multiple hickeys evident on his neck.

McGonagall glared at everyone in turn, as if it had been their fault for imbibing Love Potion. Her nostrils flared in that way she had of doing when she was mad, and her lips were nothing more than a thin line. She was obviously Pissed. 

"_Prefects_! Escort the students back to their rooms! **NOW!!**" she shouted, shooting glares at the hapless prefects. They made like eggs and scrambled. *hides from pun-hunters* "Students will be served their meals in their common rooms!"

And so lunch came to an ignoble end.

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XD >D hummed happily to himself as he strolled down the corridors of Hogwarts castle. Life was great. Everything was going absolutely perfectly (save for the irritating appearance of Gilderoy Lockhart). It was just about time to go to bed.

But if this were so, why had Nad taken that strange detour? Why had he stopped by the staff room? Why was he wandering about the halls with that exuberant expression upon his face? He sure hadn't been heading to his rooms for beauty rest...

How peculiar, indeed.

------------------------------

In Filch's office, the green darts labeled '_Avada Kedavra_' and '_Crucio_' were missing.

------------------------------

_Warning! Graphic Git Murder Ahead!_

__

That was a wonderful success! Gilderoy Lockhart thought to himself as he packed up the remainder of his things. _That cupid idea was especially genius material. Brilliant idea, Gilderoy! They love you, handsome fiend!_ He was busily giving himself a pat on the back for the day's work (despite the fact that Cupids were suggested by a rather frivolous woman he had come across before arriving at Hogwarts). Ah, the many advantages to fame and fortune! It was too bad he'd have to leave after dinner, which was approaching fast.

He slammed his case shut and locked it with a simple charm. He took one last look around the room, sighing appreciatively. _Ah...the places fame gets you to_, Gilderoy thought to himself as he took in the colorful, luxurious decor. Sure, _all_ lodging at Hogwarts looked the same...but _he_ didn't know that it wasn't a suite, did he? ^_~

The sound of approaching footsteps caught his attention. He hurriedly fixed his face into that of a dashing smile, glancing in the mirror to double-check that his hair was in place. "I'm sorry, but I'm no longer signing autographs today, wonderful students of Hogwarts!"

"I would hardly consider myself a student, Gilderoy," a cheerful voice rang out from the doorway. Gilderoy whirled around.

"Knum! What a wonderful surprise," Lockhart exclaimed as if the Potions professor were an old friend. "I'm still not handing out more autographs. You'll have to try your luck next time." The famous, dashing wizard grinned haughtily.

The purple and green-robed >D (evidently, he had changed from his pink robes) had the sense to pout mockingly. "Are you sure, Gilderoy? I _do_ have a writing utensil you can use..." Nad baited, holding up the quill-like object (at _one_ end, at least) in his hand. It had not taken much to convince Lockhart to relent.

"...I suppose one more couldn't hurt, right, Knum? My fan mail can wait a few moments!" His hot pink robes swished about him as he stepped over to the Hogwarts employee, holding his hand out expectantly for the quill. Nad grinned and let the blond man have it.

Gilderoy gasped and yelped in a rather feminine manner as a stream of blood seeped out of his sliced palm. He clutched at his wounded, once baby-soft, smooth hand and gaped at >D.

"Oops. I slipped," Nad declared cheerfully. He had meant to slice Lockhart's wrist, after all. The 'quill' in his hand had been revealed to be a green dart labeled '_Avada Kedavra_'. Of _course_ Lockhart would fall for that--the point of a dart could _almost_ pass for a quill's point, after all.

"No, no... It's quite all right," Gilderoy replied in a distressed tone, trying not to sob pitifully at the pain and blood. He was busily scanning the room for anything to bandage his hand with (God _forbid_ he stained his beautiful robes with blood), so, unfortunately, he hadn't noticed that Nad was holding a potential weapon. "I'll be more careful...yes..." he mumbled distractedly as he attempted to figure out how, exactly, to perform a healing spell. He formulated a quick plan and held his hand out to Nad.

"I want to see how well you can heal. Perhaps I can give you some good advice!" Gilderoy suggested, pain sneaking into the tone of his voice. "I don't always simply battle the Dark Arts. I've worked as a healer for wizards and witches in some of my spare time, among other things, and I'd love to show you better ways to perform a healing spell." Lockhart was obviously trying to convince both Nad and himself of his authenticity, what with his fast, panicked speaking.

>D's grin had only seemed to widen at the sound of Gilderoy's distress. "I'll fix that right up for you, Gilderoy." The Potions Master gently took the famous wizard's hand in his own and drew his wand (sneakily placing the dart in his wand's usual place for now). A reassuring, cheerful smile was thrown toward Lockhart--it worked wonders to make him relax. Wrong move.

"_Diffindo_."

Lockhart's eyes widened at this word. _That_ wasn't the incantation for a healing charm--what in the name of Merlin was Nad doing? He opened his mouth to speak. "Wha--..."

The man never finished forming the word. He was abruptly cut off by the sudden, agonizing tearing sensation he felt as his slit hand was magically torn apart before his eyes. It landed with a meaty thump on the ground.

Gilderoy gaped with shock at the bloody stump that _used_ to be his hand. His vibrant complexion paled considerably as his pink robes were stained with his own crimson fluid, mouth bobbing open and closed like a gaping fish. Nad grinned as the famous wizard emitted a choked, pained sob. _How delightful_.

>D's expression faltered as Lockhart fell to the floor in a dead faint.

"Oh, my. That was _much_ too soon," Nad commented to himself as he leveled his wand at Gilderoy's prone form. "Time to wake up! _Ennervate_."

Gilderoy groggily opened his eyes once more, seemingly oblivious to his newfound injury. >D waited patiently as the blond man came to, grinning all the while as he sat up and reached up to scratch an itch in the back of his head.

Gilderoy shrieked when he saw the state of his right hand. He shrieked once more as he looked up and saw Nad grinning down at him. The man scanned the room frantically for the exit, only to find that _grinning bastard_ standing between he and the door.

"Please, _do_ scream all you want. I already placed a silencing charm on this room, after all," >D spread his arms apart with a flourish, motioning to the room. "No one will be able to hear us! Isn't that _wonderful_?"

All remaining color had drained from Gilderoy's face. "Knum...I'm sure I can get you a ...better a..autograph," he gulped in an attempt to compose himself and swallow away the pain, "Perhaps I can give you a free set of my books. Money, maybe?"

>D pretended not to listen to Gilderoy. He had pulled out five green darts from convenient robe pockets and juggled them about with a simple levitation charm. "You defiled my _dear_ Serena with your carelessness, Gilderoy. I'm afraid that's rather unacceptable. Don't you agree?" Gilderoy clutched at his wound and backed himself against the wall in a panic, choosing _not_ to reply to this new information. Nad nodded and continued as if Gilderoy had given his consent.

"I _knew_ you'd see things my way!" he exclaimed. "Makes it so much easier than explaining _why_ you have to die. Because, really, most of my motivation is the great fun of torture, besides the ordeal with Serena earlier today." With a smile, Nad leveled his wand at Lockhart. "_Avada Kedavra_."

Gilderoy gasped/wheezed and threw his arms over his head, curling up into a ball as if to shield himself from the Killing Curse. He braced himself, praying that he at _least_ received the best luxuries (including Mirrors to stare at his beautiful angel self with) Heaven had to offer when he died.

However...the blinding flash of green never came. Instead, he felt...pinpricks. _Painful_ pinpricks, stuck into his shoulder, armpit, thigh, shoulder blade, and...arse. He yowled much like Mrs. Norris had in the past and tore his eyes open, staring down at five green darts (each inscribed with the words 'Avada Kedavra') embedded into his skin.

Strangely enough, Gilderoy still had hope. Maybe Nad was finished with him. _Maybe_ Nad would let him go...

These hopes were dashed when he looked up and found >D grinning gleefully down at him. "Do you like them? They were crafted especially for the staff. We all had a _wonderful_ time playing a game of 'Pin The Gilderoy'." Nad leaned in closer to the shaken and pain-ridden Gilderoy (he never COULD handle pain or the sight of blood too well). "Allow me to let you in on a little secret," he whispered to the blond. "You see, my dear Lockhart, _none_ of the staff here at Hogwarts will miss you once you're gone. You truly are only a bumbling fool in the end." With a chuckle, Nad yanked Gilderoy to his feet, much to the latter's pained dismay.

"You know..." He began once more in a conversational tone, circling about the swaying-drunkenly-on-his-unsteady-feet Gilderoy. "Most people assume the Cruciatus is the most painful curse there is." To prove his point, >D promptly leveled his wand at Gilderoy and demonstrated the effects of the Unforgivable Torture Curse. "But _really_," Nad grinned, tapping his wand against his left palm, "if you just use a few simpler charms and hexes correctly..." The Reductor Curse was promptly cast on Gilderoy's ... *ahem*. Well, let's just say it was cast on the parts >D's name refers to. :D

Gilderoy squealed in pain and clutched at his mutilated manhood with his one good hand, eyes widened and jaw slackened with his silent screams of pain and occasional choked gasps. It would have been quite humorous, if it weren't for the deadly seriousness of the situation. ...Aw, Hell, it was humorous either way. :D "...The results can be _just_ as satisfying, if not more so," he finished cheerfully.

Nad hesitated for a moment to allow Gilderoy to gather his bearings and scrabble against the far corner, sobbing hysterically as his voice returned to him. "Oh? Gilderoy? Did you say something?" He noted the wizard's mouth moving soundlessly and put a hand to his ear, pretending to listen. "What's that, Gilderoy? I can't hear you...!" There was a choking sound from the fallen blond.

A look of comprehension spread across >D's face and he grinned knowledgeably. "You want more, is that it?" Nad ignored the frantic cries of protest and nodded, an expression of great understanding and concern on his features. "I wouldn't advise much more, but since you _insist_..."

And so, time and time again, Nad gleefully cast curse upon curse upon curse on poor Gilderoy. A Cruciatus here, transfiguring his leg into a tiger (and forcing it to eat the other leg) there, even a "_Accio_ Gilderoy's Teeth!" was performed. Each hex and curse became progressively more painful every time Gilderoy tried to crawl/drag himself to the door. Pained screams and sobs reverberated throughout the room--Ironically, it had been _Snape_'s former dungeon apartment (Nad had chosen a living space on an upper floor). Each time Lockhart threatened to faint once more, >D cast a simple Insomnus Charm to keep the wizard conscious.

It seemed like an eternity before the battered and beaten Lockhart collapsed in a heaving, quivering, whimpering mass of flesh, bone, and blood, no longer able to make an effort to move. He was greatly weakened by his missing limbs and the tremendous loss of blood, and he was hardly capable of breathing anymore.

"Well, dear Gilderoy," Nad announced in a voice that could outshine the sun. "I suppose I'll let you go now." Lockhart was swiftly going into the light, however, and the only sign he had given >D that he had heard the Potions Master at all was a twitch of an eyebrow, a gagging sound, and a pitiful attempt at inching toward the door. "..._If_ you can make it to the door within the next two minutes. Otherwise, I'll be forced to slowly mangle what's left of your body into something resembling raw ground beef." :D Gilderoy weakly stared up at Nad (who seemed abnormally happy about the prospect), all glimmers of hope and life gone from his sapphire eyes. 

Inevitably and quite unfortunately, the wizard couldn't even bring himself to tilt his head closer to the door. So, with a psychotic glint in his normally cheerful eyes, Nad stepped forward (deliberately splashing blood into Gilderoy's face) and yanked the blond's head up by his hair. The Potions professor reached into the amethyst folds of his robes and pulled out a tiny, swallow-able vial of a plum-colored substance. >D opened Gilderoy's jaw and shoved the vial down his throat, making sure he had, indeed, swallowed the bite-sized container. With a triumphant grin, Nad seated himself at Snape's former desk (now pink, due to Gilderoy's decorating) and watched Lockhart's prone form as if waiting for something.

"Now we need only wait for your digestive juices to eat through the thin material I used for that vial. Goodbye, Gilderoy!"

It did not take long for Lockhart's body to slowly melt down, then suddenly explode and become a bloody stain on the ground while keeping his head fully intact.

-------------------------------

Nad calmly walked over to the head of the late Gilderoy Lockhart, gently picking it up and placing it on the desk. He adjusted its position so that the first thing one would see when (s)he entered the room would be the head's blank, glassy stare (and its tongue hanging out of its mouth. Well, >D found it humorous, anyway...). He chuckled and glanced about the blood-splattered room. "Ah...Perhaps we should liven this up a bit, no?" Nad asked of the head, speaking as if it were a live person. After a moment he nodded; apparently he had received an answer. "Of course we should."

With a smile, >D happily ransacked the room, overturning tables, shattering random objects, clawing up a few paintings and pictures--all to make it look as if more of a struggle occurred. He stood back and took in the wrecked apartment. _Something_ was missing...

"More of an _artistic_ flair, I suppose!"

Now, the psychotic man dipped his fingers into a large pool of blood and wrote a message of '**Severs Snap Wuz H33|2**' on the walls, accompanied by a rather crudely drawn symbol of evil: A snake protruding out of an angry skull's mouth. The Dark Mark.

Nad stood back and admired his work. "Perfect!" he exclaimed with a chuckle. A wave of his wand was all it took to clean off his bloodstained clothes.

With a final pat to Gilderoy's head and a satisfied nod, he strolled out, humming a cheerful tune to himself. 

--------------------------------

After a mercifully Lockhart-free dinner, Draco Malfoy wandered the halls, deep in thought. He hadn't felt like eating much, not after the Love Potion incident at lunch (although both Flint and Pansy had apologized long and profusely for their... overeager advances). Unknowingly, the boy was heading towards the Potions classroom, his feet taking him to the place he had gone so many times before.

The lights were dim and dark, so it could hardly be called his fault that Draco slipped and landed with a muffled splash in a viscous liquid. Cursing slightly and standing up, he started trying to wring the stuff out of his robes, but it was starting to soak into them, staining them a dark color. His eyes widened as he tasted the stuff in his mouth. A strange, iron-like scent filled his nostrils and a morbid thought suddenly surfaced in his mind. _It's blood._ He noticed that the puddle was slowly spreading from beneath the door that had used to be Professor Snape's living quarters. Nobody was supposed to be living there... _unless..._

Draco staggered over to the door and shakily opened it, noting with no small amount of horror the splashes of blood that decorated the walls. His gaze wandered across the floor (which was a veritable carpet of crimson) and the ceiling, which was, incredibly, festooned with as much blood as the walls. _I didn't know that the human body **had** that much blood,_ Draco thought faintly. 

He stopped for a moment and stared at the grisly trophy in the center of the room. Gilderoy Lockhart stared unseeingly back, his toothless mouth open in a final gasp of pain and terror. It seemed to glare accusingly at him. "_Why didn't you come a bit earlier, boy?_" it seemed to say. Draco's rational mind told him that there was nothing he could have done, that the murderer could have easily dispatched of him as well...

Professor McGonagall was greeted by the most unusual sight of a bone-pale Draco Malfoy, his robes stained with a huge amount of blood, bursting into the staff room and screaming, "DEAD GIIIIIIIT! IN THE DUNGEONS!!!!!!" Before anyone could react, he looked McGonagall straight in the eyes and muttered, "thought you ought to know," and collapsed on the floor, unconscious.

--------------------------------

A while later, Draco meandered his way into the Slytherin common room in a new set of robes, pretending not to notice the chuckles and the sly looks that many of the younger Slytherins threw his way. The older ones knew of his father; if Lucius Malfoy got word that his son was being... mistreated, bad times would befall the git who dared to disturb his offspring. No one directly disturbed him as he walked down the dank stairs to the first year's dormitory, automatically taking a right turn to the boy's section. Once inside, he headed straight for his trunk and produced a small silver key, opening it and drawing out the black, battered diary of Tom Riddle. 

The boy had been writing in the diary more and more since he had been utterly humiliated in front of the school. He sneered and scowled as much as ever, but his heart wasn't in it. Part of it was the insulting and taunting, granted, but the majority was the slow siphoning of magical energy that Tom slowly wheedled from Draco's body with every word the boy wrote in his diary. 

Deep night fell, and one by one, the boys turned in for a night's rest. Flopping down on his bed and taking out a quill and ink, Draco opened the diary to a random page (it never mattered where he wrote anymore) and started writing.

"You know, Tom... Sometimes I'm convinced that the world hates me," he scribbled. The page almost tore from his rapid writing.

__

"Hmm? What happened today?" Tom's writing was as concerned as writing could get. _"Tell me all of your problems, Draco. We'll see what Tom can do..._"

Draco began writing extremely fast, not caring about his sloppy writing. From time to time, his quill ran out of ink and he had to dip it back into his ink bottle. Drops of ink dripped onto the immaculate covers, but Draco paid them no mind. Suddenly the sharp tip of the quill sunk deep into his finger, drawing blood. Crimson droplets joined the black ones on the sheet as Draco hissed in pain, flailing around in agony, and one found its way onto the diary's page. The book flared briefly before consuming the blood like it did ink. Draco didn't notice the diary's reaction. 

Finally locating his quill, he dipped it carefully into the bottle and started to write. But before he could, Tom wrote first, the first time he had ever done so. The words appeared in strange green ink, not the recycled ink that always appeared on the pages.

__

"Draco?" 

Staring at the words, the silver-haired boy cautiously wrote back, "Yes, Tom?"

__

"I'll be perfectly honest with you and say I'm not sorry for this." 

"Hu-" was all Draco managed to get out before a huge emerald bolt of lightning burst out of the book's pages, striking him straight between the eyes. He jerked in place, riveted to his bed as tendrils of writhing light ran across his body. Then, as suddenly as it started, it stopped. The diary was a ruined mess on the bed, the burnt remains of its pages slowly fluttering to the ground around it. The body of Draco Malfoy slumped forwards in its bed, still.

The form on the bed stirred, and for a moment it seemed as though, instead of an eleven-year old boy with silver-blond hair, there was a sixteen-year old young man with raven locks kneeling on the bed. Then the image faded away like a mirage and the figure on the bed was once again Draco Malfoy.

The one who was once Draco lifted his head. His formerly silver-gray eyes were a blazing crimson, which slowly faded back into a light pinkish-red as the souls balanced. The boy grinned and raised his wand, pointing it at the ceiling. A small yellow arrow spurted from the tip of his wand and hit the top of the room, and a large, lighted chandelier sprouted from the point of impact. 

He laughed. "All the power of a full grown wizard and more focus in your wand, Draco. Just like I promised. Too bad _you_ can't use it."

"But I can." The boy laughed evilly, the very foundations of Hogwarts shaking from his insane cackling. The other youths in his dormitory shivered in their beds, all the pleasant dreams they might have been experiencing suddenly changing into horrid nightmares of death and torture. 

The silver-haired boy leveled his wand at his own forearm and whispered, "_Morsmordre._"

Tom Riddle was born again.

...And then he went to sleep. Cos it was past his bedtime.

--------------------------------

Lari took the liberty of mentioning how much like the anime series Slayers we're progressing. We started out with pure ludicrous humor and we slowly became more serious, although still with little smidgets of fun. And now we even have filler episodes. XD

BTW, we _were_ poking fun at slash during lunch. XD

Chapter End


	11. Chapter 11: Working at the Ministry (of ...

Title: The Convict Trio and the Wings of the Heir (11/?)

Name: Voldie For Prez

Email: hsfnww@yahoo.com

Category: Humor

Keywords: Lupin, Snape, Sirius, Merlin, Armani

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: All Four Books, FB

Summary: AU fic. Lupin and Snape get into a fight at lunch. Eventually hauled off to Azkaban, they escape (with Sirius Black in tow) and set off to clear their names. Includes a teacher named Nads, Voldie playing Quidditch, snazzy Armani suits, Merlin's sense of humor, stinkbomb potions, but only a tiny bit of snogging. We're so sorry. 

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. Sonores and Nads are ours.

Author's Note: We'd.. umm.. like to thank JKR, fer making the incredibly diverse world that we mold like putty and make fanfics out of. Lari would like to thank Kels for getting her started in Harry Potter RPing. BTW, we're two people, really. I'm Akane and that's Lari. *points to invisible people* Her AIM is Mwaar Haar and mine is Scary BogMonster. Err.. that's pretty much it. XD Lari would like to say...'MWAAR! Yah, we're crazy.' XD XD

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Working At the Ministry (of Magic) 

--------------------------------

Author's Notes: Akane: Mwaar. I never thought we'd get this far, but there's already plans for a sequel. Fear for yer sanity. XD Lari isn't available at the moment... *glares at Lari* but I'll speak for her. Mwaar. Anyway, the next chapter shouldn't take as long coming out as this one did.. *knocks on wood* But que sera, ne? XD Hey. I used three languages in one sentence. 

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"I've never seen such a............" 

"Gruesome scene, isn't it?" 

There was a pause. "...Wizards are capable of such a thing?" 

"Aye, there be _Dark wizards_ at work, laddie." 

"You don't think it's..._You-Know-Who_, do you? Are his followers causing another uproar after all this years?" The (unnamed and faceless... cough) Department of Magical Homicide Investigation wizard fidgeted uneasily as he shot the blood-soaked dungeon apartment a nervous look. He looked to be rather worried about the whole ordeal; really, whoever heard of a _murder_ on _Hogwarts grounds_? And to think, his own sons were _attending_ this school. Good thing Albus Dumbledore had finally returned to keep the students and staff under his watchful eye. 

"I wouldn't put that past him," warned Alastor 'Mad-Eye' Moody. This was the second time during the school year that he made an appearance at Hogwarts. "It's my _job_ to think like Dark wizards...and this is definitely the work of a Death Eater gone loony." A few lingering staff members were grimly offering any useful information to the Magical Law Enforcement Squad, doing their best to ignore the... thing on the floor. Sonores scowled as deeply as she could in order to hide the smirk she'd just been aching to display. On the other hand, Knum grinned openly beside the banshee. As per usual. 

Moody frowned suspiciously at Nad. The hell was he so happy about? He swept his magical eye over the Professor, stopping as he gazed at the man's right arm. Was that what he thought it was...? The Auror scowled fiercely and stepped (*CLUNK-step-CLUNK-step-CLUNK-step*) toward the smiling >D. 

"Something you want, Alastor?" our beaming professor asked of the single-legged man. Moody's marred face twisted strangely as he regarded Nad with a piercing glare, both magical and normal eyes fixed upon the oddly cheery form. 

"...What are _you_ grinning about, laddie?" Alastor growled. He was in no mood to beat around the bush. 

"Really! Is it such a crime to try and keep the spirits up with a smile?" Nad proclaimed. "No need to be rude about it." "_Keep the spirits up??_" Moody snarled in response. "_Liar_! You may have fooled everyone else in this room, Nad, but you sure as hell won't get past _me_." 

Nad's expression faltered slightly. "Whatever are you talking about, Alastor? Forgive me for asking..." A few Aurors and staff members standing close by were casting the pair wary glances, unsure of what Paranoid Moody was suspecting this time. 

Alastor's hand hovered by his wand subconsciously as he continued to glare at the Potions Master before him. "_I_ can see the mark on your arm, Death Eater." 

Nad smiled amicably and held up his right arm. "Oh, you mean _this_?" he asked with the utmost innocence as he pulled his sleeve back to reveal... 

An angry, black Dark Mark tattooed into the flesh of his right forearm. 

If the bloody room (pardon the pun) was quiet before, it was dead silent _now_. It was _so_ quiet that not even a flea could hop about unheard. Everyone present slowly turned to gape at Knum in shock and apprehension. Aurors drew their wands, leveling them at the man in question. Moody's look was one of triumph--no one could call him paranoid _this_ time. 

Eh. He should have saved it, for what Nad did next certainly dashed Alastor's moment. 

He calmly rubbed the Dark Mark and laughed, smearing the 'tattoo' with his thumb. He shrugged off the confused stares he received and motioned to the smeared mark with his now magic marker-covered thumb. "It's just a simple drawing!" The confused, blank stares melted into angry glares. Nad's laugh became a nervous chuckle. "It was only a joke. I thought it would help to brighten the mood up a bit!" The Hogwarts staff sighed in exasperation; they'd never understand Knum's warped sense of humor. The Aurors present, however, were still glaring at the known prankster, obviously unappreciative of his attempts at a good laugh. 

Nevertheless, Moody was still unconvinced. He scowled deeply and tried to catch a glimpse at Nad's left arm. Much to the old Auror's dismay and frustration, Knum was doing an excellent job at keeping his limbs in motion--Alastor just couldn't keep up with the younger man's movements. 

Meanwhile, Headmaster Albus Dumbledore was speaking to a quite flustered Cornelius Fudge by the large "**Severs Snap Wuz H33|2**" scrawled upon the once-clean wall. 

"Cornelius, I do not believe that Severus was responsible for this," a grave Dumbledore stated slowly and calmly. "He would not be obvious enough to declare his presence in such a way." 

"I have _no other leads here_, Dumbledore!" the Minister of Magic hissed. "It is _not possible_ for us to have _four_ convicts running amock. Three is bad enough!" 

"And why does that give you reason to place the blame on Severus?" 

"He _wrote his name_ on the wall, Dumbledore." Fudge explained impatiently. "What more evidence do we need?" 

"Don't be daft, Cornelius," Dumbledore frowned. The twinkle in his eye had long since dissipated. "Why would the murderer himself write his own name upon the wall? With poor grammar and spelling, I may add..." 

"As much as I hate Snape," Moody butted in, keeping his magical eye trained upon the smiling form of Nad, "this just isn't his style. Unless he's completely lost his mind, I don't think it was him." 

"Sirius Black, then!" Fudge announced. "Doesn't matter which of the three it was, they're all guilty in the end. Either way, we are stationing Dementors in this school--" 

"_No_," Dumbledore said forcefully, coldly. "Dementors are horrible creatures, Cornelius. I will _not_ have them stationed at this school!" 

Fudge shot the Headmaster a glare. "My _job_ is at stake here, Dumbledore. Neither you nor I can afford any _more_ murders to occur here in Hogwarts." With a snort, the Minister of Magic turned away from the elder wizard. "I'll allow them to perform the Kiss. A seek and destroy mission--condemned to a fate worse than death on sight. Save the lot of us the trouble of the legal process and make the Magical Community feel safer." 

Needless to say, Albus was _not_ happy. "You are making a mistake, Cornelius. Mark my words, if you condemn an innocent man to the Kiss, you _will_ be considered an untrustworthy Minister of Magic." Fudge did not seem to care about--nor did he believe--Albus' words. He gave Dumbledore a hard look. 

"If you do not allow us to send in Dementors, we'll have to forcefully remove you from your position as Headmaster to ensure the safety of the students. Don't make us do that, Dumbledore." 

Despite the fact that Dumbledore truly disliked the idea of the emotion-draining Dementors wandering the school grounds, he had no choice but to relent. "_Only_ at the entrances. I will have none of them wandering the castle corridors." 

Fudge frowned but nodded at the request. "Done. You've made the right choice, Dumbledore." He turned away from Hogwarts' Headmaster and strode over to the members of the Department of Body Analyzers and Cleaner-Uppers (also known as the Janitorial Department--made specifically for cleaning up bloodstains, body parts, and other dirty work). They were busily placing Gilderoy's mangled head into a small container to be sent to his living family members (a la Peter Pettigrew's finger, anyone?). 

"Uh...Sir?" The Still-Unnamed wizard piped up timidly. "My husband/wife works for the Muggle police, and they have this ingenious method of using fingerprints-" 

"Muggle method?" Cornelius asked incredulously. "No _muggle method_ could surpass magic, *****(for purposes known only to the author, we have removed the wizard's name.)! Don't be foolish." 

The poor, nameless wizard frowned in response, unsure of how to take this. In the end, it _was_ his job at stake... "Yes, Sir." Well, what else could he say? 

"Our work here is finished, then," Cornelius declared as he pulled out a portkey (actually a muggle tire, minimized to a size small enough to be carried and then enlarged for use) to use to return to the Ministry building. "I'll send for the Dementors later today, Dumbledore. Expect them no later than the afternoon." He motioned for all those present to touch the portkey. It was time to depart. Nad, cheerful as ever, waved goodbye to the suspicious Mad-Eye Moody, settling his arms down at last. 

A mistake. 

Alastor's one _natural_ eye widened as he finally caught sight of Knum's _left_ forearm... 

Just as the room blurred and the familiar tugging sensation of portkey travel commenced. 

"_FUDGE_!!!" Moody roared as the entire group reappeared by the Ministry building. "_THAT IMPOSTER OF A PROFESSOR_!!! Nad--he was a _bloody_ Death Eater! _The one who murdered Lockhart_!!! WE _MUST_ GO BACK!" 

The Minister of Magic snorted disbelievingly at the notoriously paranoid Auror. "You're delusional, Moody. We all saw that it was only a temporary tattoo. You must have mistaken the smudged Mark for a real one." 

Alastor was outraged. "I saw his _other_ arm, Laddie," he declared angrily. "Don't be a _fool_! He has a _true_ Mark branded into the flesh o' his arm!" 

Cornelius waved the Auror off, disinterested and skeptical. "I don't care to hear of your delusions, Moody," he said. Alastor snarled in response--how could Fudge shrug off such a grave matter?! "You're only being paranoid. Step _**down**. You saw nothing_." 

Moody stomped his wooden leg into the ground, startling the group with an ear-splitting _CLUNK_. He was beyond enraged by the Minister's antics. "MARK MY WORDS, _FUDGE_," Alastor warned with a low growl. "You will regret making the mistake of allowing this Death Eater to walk freely!" 

With no further comment, the Auror stalked off as fast as his leg and wooden appendage could carry him, leaving the Minister to shake his head pityingly at the paranoid man's display. "He _truly_ believes he saw the Mark, doesn't he?" 

--------------------------------

Alone in the former home of Severus Snape, Albus Dumbledore cleaned the rest of the late Gilderoy Lockhart up with a wave of his wand. He walked slowly up to his study and through the brick wall, catching Messrs. Snape, Lupin and Black in a rare moment of non-animosity. They were playing a game of strip poker. And they were doing a miserable job of disrobing each other, seeing as they couldn't take off their Armani suits. As it was, all of them were sockless. But that was it. *whaps slashy people* 

Snape scowled and grumbled, eyeing his cards distastefully. "You know, Black, you're even stupider than I thought. How can we play strip poker when we can't take off our clothes?" 

"Didn't see you disagreeing, Snape," Black growled, shooting the former Potions Master a glare. 

Lupin added in his two Knuts. "You should be thankful, Severus," he said cheerfully. "After all, you've been losing the most." 

Snape grumbled more and looked around, obviously looking for something to change the subject. His eyes fell on Dumbledore, who was still standing in the doorway. "Ah. Headmaster. Care to join-" 

He froze as he noticed the grave expression on the Headmaster's face. "What happened?" he asked with a cold, hard look. 

He surveyed the three attentive convicts sadly. "Cornelius Fudge is stationing Dementors on the castle grounds," he began heavily. "I trust you three to be more careful when wandering about," Albus observed as the three faces before him displayed their shock and anger openly. 

"...Something unforgivable happened as of yesterday." 

--------------------------------

Remus Lupin wandered down to the Hogwarts gates, safely under the veil of invisibility. He watched as a veritable army of black-robed figures slowly glided towards the school, led by a man in fruity lime green robes. Yes, with his cute little bowler too. Let's take a moment to imagine the horrible, yet incredibly hilarious image of a rather dumpy man in his late forties wearing neon green clothes. Barf bags are located under your seats. 

Taking a side trip to the kitchen, Lupin emerged with about a pair of rounded objects and headed towards the enormous double doors of Hogwarts. Dumbledore was standing in front of the gates in robes of deep purple, glaring at the incoming horde of dementors. They stopped in front of Dumbledore. Fudge cleared his throat and attempted to speak firmly, although his voice was weak and trembling under the headmaster's gaze. "I've brought the dementors, Dumbledore. Do you have anything to say?" The last was meant to come out in a challenging tone, but it quailed halfway through and faltered as Dumbledore's stony visage didn't change in the slightest. 

Unseen and unnoticed, Lupin crept out of the gates and stood behind Dumbledore, making horrendous faces at the dementors. In one hand he held a pair of eggs and in the other he grasped a hastily constructed dementor voodoo doll. Acting much like a circus clown, he waved the doll and the eggs around in an overly obvious manner, making sure that the dementors had their 'eyes' trained on him. Then he began stuffing his eggs down the doll's mouth, making its entire head bloat like a beached whale left out in the sun too long, letting the gasses inside its belly expand and- err.. Yah. 

Incredibly, Lupin's voodoo skills started working as the lead dementor grasped at its suddenly huge head. Its rattling breath was abruptly cut off as it started twitching before finally bursting into black flame, leaving behind a small pile of ashes that quickly blew away in the wind. A brief silence fell over the small army of dementors. Then there was a huge rattling sound as the dark figures started conversing with each other. 

As one, the army turned and fled, floating swiftly across the lake. Three of their number were messily devoured by the giant squid, who wasn't affected by their Aura of Doom. Yup, Akane really felt that she had to capitalize that. The distressed Darth Vader noises that they produced oddly resembled a baby's rattle, while the strangely fluid movements of their arms as their antigravity fields abruptly failed and they fell into the deep water brought to mind the twitching of a fly's legs as you remove its wings. Hooray for vivid imagery. 

Fudge gaped at the retreating mass of dementors, his mouth working silently as if he was in serious need of air and the nearest source of oxygen was five miles away. While retaining his beached fish look, he turned to stare at Dumbledore, at Hogwarts, then turned again to stare at the three black cloaks that slowly rose to the surface of the lake. 

"I...I'll be back, Dumbledore! Mark my words, I'll be back!" Fudge stammered, grabbing his badge (which happened to be a portkey) and vanishing. Dumbledore stood still for a moment, considering the small butterfly fluttering in front of his face, before turning and looking directly at Lupin. 

"What did you do, Remus?" he asked merrily, the familiar twinkle shining in his eyes once more. As if on cue, the Invisibility Potion's effects wore off and Lupin appeared, phasing into existance with a look of slight annoyance on his face. He had never understood how Dumbledore could see invisible people as if they had huge neon signs attached to their backs saying 'U CANT SEE ME HAW HAW HAW'. With a sheepish grin he said, "I just gave them a little... incentive to leave, Headmaster." 

Dumbledore laughed and eyed the bulbous-headed dementor doll in Lupin's right hand. "You know, Remus," he commented placidly, pointing at the limp doll. "Voodoo is labeled as a Dark Art by Jamaica's Ministry of Magic." Noting the werewolf's look of panic, he smiled mischievously, looking like a kid who had just played a prank on his teacher. "But we're not in Jamaica, are we? I think we can look over it just this once." Dumbledore gestured at Lupin, who was very obviously visible. "And I think you should get back to your comrades, Remus." 

--------------------------------

Breakfast in the Great Hall began as normally as any. The Hufflepuff Gilderoy fangirls were animatedly discussing the 'Dashing Blond Angel's' wonderful Valentine's Day contributions (but also idly wondering why they hadn't seen him since lunch of the previous day). Ravenclaws were having an intellectual debate about transfiguration. The Gryffindors were speaking to each other about Quidditch matches and the chances of winning the Cup with Harry Potter on the team. The Slytherins, strangely enough... were deep in a quite captivating discussion with one Draco Malfoy and his accompanying first years. 

Very odd, considering said Draco Malfoy had spent nearly all of his time in bitter silence. What could have caused this sudden change of heart? This irked Fred and George in a far corner of their minds, and in an unconscious decision as natural as breathing, the twins decided to bother Malfoy with another of their daily tricks. 

"Hey, Malfoy!" Fred shouted with a grin, obviously up to no good. Draco turned just in time to catch sight of the small, brown, spherical gags hurtling in his direction. Evidently, George, who was sniggering uncontrollably at his image of the results, had thrown them. 

Both twins were severely disappointed as Draco smirked and calmly drew his wand, leveling it at the Crunchy Nads. "_Impedimenta_!" The brown spheres immediately slowed to a halt in midair as the twins gaped at the _actual_ retaliation--and yet, Malfoy wasn't finished. He opened his mouth for another incantation: 

"_Pepullo_!" he intoned. Malfoy's Banishing Charm sent the balls hurtling toward the one and only uniquely scarred boy of the entire Great Hall. "Catch that, Potter!" 

Too bad Harry turned a few seconds too late. The majority of the Crunchy Nads slammed straight into his chest and quickly burst open, encasing his robes in a stiff, web-like substance. Every time Harry tried to move, his clothing made a crunching sound. Like any normal 11-year old boy, he paniced and tried to take off his outer robe, managing to break the cloth in half (imagine T1000 and the liquid nitrogen. XD) "Oi! Harry! Don't move! I'll fix it," Fred said, drawing his wand and moving forward. 

Shooting a disgruntled glare at Malfoy, Fred dispelled the Nads with a wave of his wand, although Harry's robe remained broken like a piece of soft glass. It doesn't make any sense, you say? Well... It's magic. Haw haw haw. If Harry had continued struggling, all of his clothes would have snapped in half, and the twins didn't _really_ want to embarrass their friend like that. 

Of course, Angelina Johnson was another story...but never mind that. 

"Hey, what's the big idea, Malfoy?" Fred demanded. "Finally deciding to fight back? 

"What a shame, too," George added. "We even had a camera for the look on your face!" 

"Sorry to disappoint you," Draco replied with his trademark smirk, clearly not apologetic in the least. "But I'm not some delusional little kid, you know." His fellow Slytherin first-years were giving the blond a strange look--they weren't completely used to this new Malfoy _yet_. 

"Oh, _really_?" Fred asked with a grin. "Have you forgotten that Howler, Malfoy?" 

"Yeah!" George sniggered, catching on as to where the 'conversation' was going. "I don't seem to remember, Malfoy--do babies really come from Owl Post?" 

Draco continued to smirk good-naturedly as Fred and George laughed at the memory. "Of _course_ not. There is such a thing called 'sex.' I've been over _that_ for a long time now. Unless..." His smirk grew wider. "_You_ two want a go at one of my father's house elves. I'm _sure_ I could smuggle one over here." 

Now it was Malfoy's turn to laugh as the twins gave him a look as if to say 'Who _are_ you and why in Hell did you decide to take over _ Draco Malfoy's_ body?' They'd never know how close to the truth they really were. Draco merely laughed and sat turned back to his meal, disregarding the gaping his fellow Slytherins were sending his way. 

Meanwhile, Harry had pocketed the leftover Crunchy Nads and turned back to his own meal, sending Draco Malfoy odd looks every once in awhile. Ron was gaping at the silver-haired boy, himself. 

"Wonder what's gotten into _Malfoy_ over there!" the Weasley exclaimed, astonished at the retaliation. 

"Just a change of heart," Hermione shrugged, although the frown on her face suggested that she thought something was up. "He must have finally realized how silly all of it was." 

"I dunno," said Ron, also frowning. "I think the git's up to something. I don't like the smirk on his face." 

"Just because of a _smirk_ on his face, you think he's up to something?" Hermione wondered aloud. "Maybe he's just proud of himself for standing up to your brothers!" 

She quickly ate her words when she saw Draco and the Slythering guffawing over something and glancing over in the Trio's direction. Seems like he was popular once more. 

"See?! What'd I tell you!" Ron exclaimed with a frown. "He's no good." 

Harry, although he didn't voice it, felt the same. It was time to start keeping an eye on Malfoy--no telling what he'd do, now that he's developed a spine. But...then again...something _else_ caught his attention. A man at the doors of the Great Hall--A man with a long silver beard and deep purple robes... 

"Hey! Look! It's _Dumbledore_!" Harry whispered urgently. "He's _back!_" 

And sure enough, there he was. The Trio turned to take a good look at him, quieting at the grave expression on his face. They gave the Headmaster their full attention, wondering just _what_ he had to say; _surely_ he was about to break some bad news to the students, no? 

Albus Dumbledore strode grimly to his chair at the staff table. Instead of taking his seat, however, he turned to survey his very own students. The usual twinkle once held so joyously in his cheerful eyes had diminished--his sapphire orbs now looked deadened, deeply saddened and grievous over the recent events. He looked every year of his 150 years upon Earth and more, and beyond this, he looked utterly _exhausted_. 

"Students and staff of Hogwarts..." 

The roar of students' chatter slowly died down as Dumbledore's commanding voice reverberated off the vast walls and high ceiling of the Great Hall. Child and staff alike turned their full attention the Headmaster of the school. 

"It is in my deepest regret that I must deliver this grave and terrible news to you." He took the still, foreboding silence as a cue to continue. "Gilderoy Lockhart was murdered last night." 

It wasn't until the clattering sound of a fork crashing to the floor that the silence was finally broken. Fangirls of the late Lockhart wept pitifully in memory of their flashy idol. Some of the boys weren't as surprised at the news, but were still horrified at the prospect nonetheless. Draco Malfoy made an attempt (a rather convincing one, too) at looking bewildered and shocked. Hushed whispers of newly cultivated rumors started a buzz of clamor in the Great Hall. 

The Headmaster calmly motioned for the students to quiet down, patiently waiting out the time it took for some of the more sensitive girls to compose themselves. "It is true that the murderer has not been caught yet." This started up another round of murmurs (which were quickly silenced by a sharp look from Professor McGonagall). "For your safety, the Ministry of Magic will station guards at all entrances to the castle and grounds. Hogsmeade visits have been cancelled for the time being. Students will not be allowed to wander the corridors without an escort any longer; instead, a teacher will escort each of you from class to class. Halls will be monitored regularly by professors, prefects, our own Head Boy and Girl, and our caretaker, Mr. Argus Filch. Madam Hooch will now supervise Quidditch practices. 

"We ask for your utmost cooperation and understanding of this dire situation. The Hogwarts Staff and Ministry of Magic are both working to find the one who committed this unforgivable act. Please follow these new rules closely or you may be forced to face a most painful death at the hands of an unknown attacker." The students gaped mutely at their Headmaster, lost for words. "Thank you." 

Dumbledore reseated himself in his high-backed, ornate chair as the students continued to gape silently at him, denying the facts presented to them with the pleading look in their eyes. The twinkling returned to his features, albeit much weaker than most were used to. "Well, what are you waiting for? Breakfast will not become any fresher by letting the air get to it. Eat up! Prefects will escort you to your first class of the day at the end of the hour." The students reluctantly picked up their utensils and returned to their food as the news of the murder performed flip-flops in their minds. 

Three seats away from the much-missed Albus, a flamboyantly robed man smiled as cheerfully as he had throughout the entire speech. But, of course, since the entire Hall was too busy with their _own_ gossip, no one could notice such an abnormality. 

...Well...actually, that was a lie. _Two_ noticed the grin on his face. 

Sonores shot Nad a coldly affectionate (hey! It's possible!) glance out of the corner of her eye. She was amused beyond belief at the news of Gilderoy's death, and, for once, couldn't help but risk displaying a flicker of emotion in public. Hermione Granger, however, found something suspicious about Professor Nad's wide, contented smile. She found it _so_ suspicious, in fact, that she made a mental note to keep an eye on their newer Potions master. Of course, she never voiced these thoughts to her two friends--they were busy giving each other horrified looks, as if to say 'Holy Hell, Snape and Black have finally struck!' They'd be sure to search even more desperately than before. 

But never mind the resident psychopath, banshee, and often wrong 'detective trio' for the moment. Fresh rumors had sprung up at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry...some much more wild than others. 

"I think Snape, Lupin, Sirius Black did it! We all know they're loose somewhere," a Hufflepuff insisted forcefully (real rumor-starters, aren't they?). 

"NONSENSE! There's _no_ way a buncha convicts could enter a place like this, especially with Dumbledore as Headmaster!" another replied, triggering a group discussion on the topic. 

"But Dumbledore's been away on business for awhile..." 

"I don't buy it. I mean, really, it seems more likely that a _student_ did it." 

"I think Draco Malfoy is more likely to have commit such a murder--did you see how _different_ he's been acting?" 

"YEAH! Even the Slytherins have been supporting the rich git now--did you SEE they way they grinned at the news of the murder?" 

"I coulda _sworn_ they were congratulating Malfoy..." 

"Oh yeah? Well, _I_ think it was the Head Boy and Girl. They've plotted the murder together!" 

"The Head Boy and Girl? No _way_!" 

"Well, who else could have done it? The prefects?" 

"I wouldn't rule that possibility out..." 

"Bah. And how could the _prefects_ do it? Drown him in the prefect bathroom's bubble bath?" 

"Maybe Filch and Mrs. Norris did it. They're creepy." 

"Who knows? Let's just hope whoever-it-is rots in Azkaban for what they did." 

--------------------------------

Lupin walked in on Snape and Sirius still playing their game of poker. It seemed that they had both realized the futility of playing strip poker when they couldn't take off their clothes and had now moved on to betting. Black had lost and he was being forced to imbibe an entire bottle of mayoketchup, a foul Muggle sauce that combined the greasiness of mayonnaise and the strong tomato taste of ketchup. Yup. Greasy tomatoes. Remember, barf bags are located under your seats. :D 

Sirius finally lost his great battle with extreme nausea and rushed to the bathroom, holding one hand to his mouth and waving a hurried welcome to Remus with the other. Snape smirked at him as the sound of forced retching echoed through the thin walls, followed by an awful lot of dry heaving. "Well?" was all he said, obviously waiting for Lupin's battle report. 

After the brief summary, Lupin tried to escape to the safety of his quarters, but just as he set foot outside the doorway, he was stopped by the odd sensation of being choked by fine cloth. Lupin looked back to see Snape holding his collar, effectively stopping his forward movement. Yes, I'm writing this out all detailed-like and stuff for you idiots out there. You know who you are. No, not you. The person beside you. Mhmm. Yep. Riiight over there. 

"Not so fast, werewolf," Snape said nastily, dragging Lupin back. "Would you mind telling me just _where_ and _how_ you came to learn a highly dangerous and forbidden Dark Art?" 

The lycanthrope shook his head, beads of sweat starting to run down his forehead. "Umm... So very sorry to burst your bubble, Severus, but I _do_ mind. Now if you'll excuse me..." However, his steps were once again for naught, as Snape's grip on his collar didn't loosen in the slightest. 

"That wasn't a question, Lupin. Tell me or I'll be forced to extract an answer from you, one way-" The gleaming Selecting Stiletto appeared in Snape's free hand, whistling dangerously through the air. "Or another." 

"Err... ahh... Ilearneditfromawitchdoctorinafrica," Lupin muttered, attempting once more to break free of Snape's hold. He was abruptly stopped by the unpleasant sensation of having a red-hot brand pressed into his back. Needless to say, he shrieked like a girl and twisted outrageously in a desperate attempt to escape the burning silver touch. 

The dagger appeared once more at Lupin's throat, as a slightly deranged light started to shine in Snape's eyes. "I couldn't hear you, werewolf. A bit louder!" 

Lupin's bloodshot eyes tried to focus on the deadly weapon at his throat, watching it tremble slightly in Snape's hand. The silver glint seemed to thirst for his skin. "I LEARNED IT FROM A WITCH DOCTOR IN AFRICA LET ME GO FOR **MERLIN'S SAKE** SNAPE HAVE YOU _GONE MAD?!?!?_" he bellowed, wrenching his clothes out of the former Potion Master's grip and falling to the ground, breathing heavily. 

Sirius Black chose that moment to walk in. Let's take a look at things from his point of view. 

1. Severus Snape is holding a silver dagger in his hand and he looks just about ready to use it. 

2. Remus Lupin is down on the ground, clutching his back and teetering on the edge of unconsciousness. 

A growl rose from deep in Black's throat, and suddenly he looked much like the ruthless mass murderer that most of the world thought he was. "Why you..." Words were flushed down the john for the moment as he tackled Snape, knocking the Stiletto out of his hand and sending them both crashing into the wall. 

~(-_-~) Half an hour later... (~-_-)~ (Ph33r the dancing guardians) 

Lupin glared at Snape. Snape glared at Black. Black glared at Snape. Dammit; he was outnumbered. 

The trio was holding packs of Nevermelt Ice to their bruises, seeing as they wouldn't very well be able to walk into the infirmary and ask for a patch of healing salve. Black was the first to break the silence. 

"You could have told us that you got uncontrollable urges to hurt living things from time to time, Snape," he spat, restraining the urge to slam the greasy git's head into the wall. "I don't imagine that it's the kind of thing that you bring up over dinner, but it _just might_ have been _important_, don't you think?" The sarcasm oozed out of his mouth and fell with a slimy splat at his feet, crawling out the door and into the kitchen, where it was baked into a cake. Not really. But after reading about mayoketchup, doesn't it seem positively scrumptious? No? So sorry. The spare barf bags are located to your right. 

"I didn't think you cared, Black," Snape said bitingly, glaring daggers at the man. "After all, who was it that tried to _kill me_ when we were in school, hmmm?" Severus was an expert at changing the subject. 

After another brief scuffle (although this time with words), the three put their heads together. 

"Fudge will be back soon, probably with Aurors," Lupin said gloomily. Humans weren't as easily taken care of as magical creatures were. 

Sirius shrugged helplessly, looking not-too-worried about the situation. "We'll deal with it as it comes. I, for one, am going out for a walk." So said, he stood, grabbed a vial of Invisibilty Potion, and strode purposefully out the door. 

Lupin glared at Snape. Snape glared at Lupin. Excellent: the odds were even. Lupin's gaze seemed to burn as he continued staring at the greasy man sitting in front of him. He opened his mouth... 

"Last one to the lake is a rotten Horklump!" he cried, springing to his feet and dashing out the door before Snape could do more than blink. Blink he did, before he growled and pulled out his wand, hastily chasing the annoyingly cheerful werewolf. 

--------------------------------

Although many troubles and tribulations would befall him in the years to come, Cornelius Fudge would remember that sunny spring day after Valentine's as one of the worst of his life. He reappeared in front of the Ministry building with a faint pop to find a most unpleasant surprise. 

All of the Aurors in the entire Ministry were standing in front of the large structure, sporting a variety of signs ranging from picket fences to elaborate magical banners. At their head stood none other than Alastor Moody himself, bearing a huge sign with 'Auror's Rights' emblazoned on it in huge sparkling letters. 

"Auror Moody..." Fudge began, but was cut off by a stern wave of the grizzled man's hand. 

"Before you ask, Fudge, we're on strike. We put our lives on the line more than anyone else in the entire Ministry, and what do we get? Low pay and no trust, that's what!" Moody ranted, his magical eye spinning madly. A sweatdrop slowly slid down the back of Fudge's head as he laughed nervously. 

"Well, you see, Moody... The dementors won't go near Hogwarts for some reason... So I'd like for some Aurors to-" The poor Minister was once again interrupted. Moody gave the man a lopsided grin before turning to enter the Ministry building. His voice drifted on the wind back to Fudge. 

"If you really want Aurors stationed at Hogwarts, ye'll have to prove your mettle to us, _Minister_." 

With a dubious glance at the hostile Aurors surrounding him, Cornelius Fudge followed the old Auror into the depths of the Ministry. 

~(-_-~) Hours later... (~-_-)~ 

Panting desperately for breath, Fudge collapsed on a nearby rock, rolling his pudgy bulk under the shade of a nearby cliff. He and Moody had been hiking for the past two hours and the Minister, not used to severe workouts, was at his limits. It would feel so good to just close his eyes and rest for a minute. Yes, just a minute or two... 

His pleasant thoughts were rudely interrupted when a booted foot nudged him. He cracked open his eyes to see the imposing figure of Alastor Moody standing over him. The man hadn't even broken a sweat. In fact, he appeared to be enjoying the whole thing. "Get up, Fudge. Our destination is just over that hill," he said, pointing at a nearby mountain. Fudge took one look at it before his eyes rolled up and he fainted dead away. 

~(-_-~) Hours later... (~-_-)~ 

Wearing robes which may once, a long time ago, have been deemed clean, the Minister of Magic fell into a boneless heap in front of a forest of huge trees. The smallest of them made a sequoia look like a toothpick. Moody walked up to the heap of quivering flesh that was Fudge and grinned. Not a nice grin by any stretch of the imagination. 

"Here's where you get to prove yer worth, Fudge," Moody declared, rummaging in the pack he carried at his side. "You have to cut down the mightiest tree in this forest..." The old Auror drew out a stiff, frozen herring. "With this." 

~(-_-~) Hours later... (~-_-)~ Again. Yup. XD 

The mightiest tree in the forest sported a gaping wound as a man in dirty green-brown robes hacked doggedly at it. The tool he held in his hand was barely recognizable as a fish and his hands themselves were bloody and raw. Slowly, his motions stopped and he looked around furtively. Moody was nowhere in sight. Reaching into his robes, Fudge pulled out his wand and pointed it at the crack in the tree... 

"_Diff-_" 

"Not so fast, Fudge," came a voice from behind him. Sweating bullets, the Minister turned to face Moody. He had his own wand out and was also pointing it at the tree. "The rules were without magic, I think. Looks like this turn is forfeit." Ignoring Fudge's futile cries of protest, Moody channeled his energies into the wood. 

"_Regeneratio!_" 

The anguished cry of one who has truly nothing to lose echoed through the still night sky. 

--------------------------------

~(-_-~) Many hours before... (~-_-)~ 

"Hey, you got the Nads?" a mischievous voice whispered to his companion. 

"'Course I do! D'you have the map?" another whispered back. 

Fred and George Weasley, pranksters extraordinaire, had not taken heed of Dumbledore's speech about wandering the corridors alone. They wanted to play pranks; they wanted to laugh at their own, brilliantly concealed jokes; they wanted to claim their fifty-first toilet seat! 

And, by golly, they were going to do so, no matter _what_ anyone else told them. 

Fred held up a seemingly blank, rolled-up piece of parchment with a grin. "Got it _right_ here. Let's get started!" He unrolled the parchment and gave it a tap with his wand. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good!" 

Instantly, the ordinary, 'blank' parchment came to life. Messrs. Moony, Padfoot, Prongs, and Wormtail were the ones to thank as a map suddenly appeared in Fred Weasley's hands. Two little dots labeled "Fred Weasley" and "George Weasley" were plotted in a corner of the empty Gryffindor common room, exactly where the twins were currently situated. Filch and Mrs. Norris patrolled the dungeons (along with Professor Sonores). Professors Nads and Flitwick were wandering the corridors by what seemed to be the entrance to the Ravenclaw common room. Professor Sprout was closely guarding the Hufflepuff entrance. Professor McGonagall was hanging about the halls surrounding the Fat Lady portrait. A dot labeled 'Peeves' was passing through the Charms classroom and into the Transfiguration chamber, holding 'Mr. Binky'. 

All in all, it was risky business to go out with the teachers on their close guard. But no worry--as long as Fred and George both kept an eye on the parchment, they'd be able to get by, no sweat. 

And so, off they went, creeping about the halls, trying to make as little noise as possible. Up and down the corridors prowled the duo, planting their Crunchy Nads in convenient places upon the ground. They silently hoped that a hot girl (like Angelina Johnson or Alicia Spinnet!) happened to demolish their clothes by accidentally stepping on them. All went as planned. 

..._Until_... 

"Hey...Fred! Have we ever been through _this_ passageway before?" George asked of his twin, pointing to a corridor behind the Vincent the Valiant statue students constantly passed by without a second glance. After all, he was not only extremely ugly, but he was also covered in scars and had a large wolf hanging off of his hand. 

"I dunno, George. I think this calls for some exploring, don't you agree?" Fred grinned back. 

"There doesn't seem to be anyone by the statue..." 

"Let's go, then!" 

And off they went. The Weasley easilys passed through the bum of Vincent the Valiant, finding four rooms branching off the main corridor. With triumphant smirks, the twins entered the first room--only to frown and find that it was a rather boring room. Only a bed, a bookcase, and a dumb, sliced-up, rock-hard Christmas fruitcake. Ah, well. At least they denoted that the place was _definitely_ lived-in. 

They tried the next room. Same as the first, save for the slices of fruitcake. Nothing interesting whatsoever. 

Finally, the twins entered the third room. 

...Now, _that_ was interesting. Was that bookcase filled with bottled--_potions_? Sludgelike potions? And even then, more than half of the bottles seemed to be empty. Strange. 

Of course, George, being the reckless one he is, snatched up a bottle and uncorked it. "I say we try it." 

"But what if it's poisonous, George?" Fred asked, eyeing the brown liquid. He grabbed a container off the shelf and took a wiff. "Hmm... Let's see. It smells like mud, looks like mud, and by all appearances, it is mud. Which probably means it's poison," he said casually, putting the beaker back on the shelf. 

"Oh, come now, Fred! Why would... whoever lives here drink poison?" 

"Who knows? Maybe it's a trap for curious gits like you." 

Before Fred could get another word of protest out, George downed the whole thing in one gulp. He promptly disappeared as the last drop slid down his throat. 

"...Er...George? GEORGE?" 

"Fred?" George's disembodied voice drifted about. "You were right about this stuff... it _tastes_ like mud, too." 

"Where are ya, mate?" Fred asked. "I can't see you anywhere...." 

"That's just it, Fred! I haven't moved!" George exclaimed. "This stuff makes you _invisible_..." 

Fred broke out into a wide grin. "_Invisible_? Awesome! You know what we could _do_ with something like that?" 

"Spy on the girls in the showers?" 

"And play pranks absolutely flawlessly!" 

"LET'S TAKE SOME!" they shouted simultaneously. Fred immediately lunged for the bottles. 

Unfortunately...the potion had distracted the twins so much that they hadn't noticed the _other_ person in the room until it was too late. A sharp intake of breath and the slamming of a door caused the twins to freeze in their tracks. 

Slowly, oh so slowly, Fred Weasley made an about face... 

And looked up into the black, glittering eyes of Severus Snape. 

--------------------------------

PS Author's Notes: 

Not much humor, we're moving into the plot. Kinda. More like... err.. forcibly capturing the plot with a weighted net. It retaliated with a severe case of writer's block. And then it broke Akane's arm and smote Lari with a mighty throat infection. Life sucks. XD 

Just how biased IS Dumbly, anyway? 

Has anyone noticed that Dumbledore + Pokemon = Dumblemon, which, seperated differently, can mean 'Dumb lemon', which, in turn, can imply the lemon drops which Dumbly so prefers? 

Much thanks to 

**Sara**, for bugging us when we lost all will to write, much like Sam with Frodo in Mordor. :D 

**Sarah**, for taking the trouble to review when she was tired after a long day of school. (? XD XD) 

**Yen**, for trading reviews. :D 

**ellerfu**, who liked the Howler. XD 

**savannah**, who reviewed twice fer the same chapter! :D 

**Messanger X**, who actually changed the content of this chapter. 

**Arraven**, for liking our one-liners (which we had to come up with within five minutes, or else we bugged each other to death. XD) 

**Hecate**, who I haven't had the chance to meet lately. XD 

**Tess**, who writes goooood fics. 

And on ff.net...(from the start... Oy vey.) 

**Helz**, who knows who she is. Beware, she's Siriusly Peeved. 

**Ayod Botla**, who used the ^_^ emoticon. 

**Duchess of Hell**, who reviewed from the start. :D 

**Lyss**, who is very Lyssy. (we KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, LYSS!) 

**Switch**, whose British accent overwhelemed us. 

**sombra**, who managed to convey his/her emotions in a single, quaint, very internety 'LOL!!!!!' 

**Kelz**, the ferret. 

**Moon-Ying**, who first used the XD emoticon, much favored by me and Lari. 

**Astral Fou-lu**, who really has to finish writing Evaluation! >O 

**Darkwolfgoddess**, who made us have a food fight. 

**Katherine**, who is also known as Star. XD 

***K***, who managed to tie for the reviewer with the shortest ID award, along with Yen. 

**Kimmers**, who is Kimmers and also Helen. :D 

**Silv**, the most perverted perv this side of perviness. 

**Hecate**, who is also an obscure figure in mythology that Akane swears she could remember if only she tried. 

**Elektra-chan**, who wants to know what we're smoking. (Find out what the Rock is cooking first :P) 

**Nataly Ravenlock**, who liked our Kompleet Saikoness. :D 

The mysterious **Yodelman**, who we fervently pray does NOT spend his days yodelling. 

**Leila C. Snape**, who liked Honestly. (we liked it too. XD) 

**Preciouss** with two s's, who liked our Voldiesnitch (which was MY idea, by the way. No Lari involved. XD) 

**erieka127**, who double posted. :D 

**Sophie W>**, who understands Akane. 

**Evie**, who gets her kudos right here. :D 

**Saphron**, who likes Slayers. Incidentally managing to be like us. :D 

**Marauderess**, who managed to cheer Akane up in her darkest hour. 

**CreamyCoconut43** (Ashley), who.. err.. eww. *thinks about coconuts covered in cream* XD 

**Wendelin the Weird**, who we strongly suspect has a pyromaniacal fetish. :D 

Last, but certainly not least (that's kinda obvious) 

**Jeanna**, who takes the time between plotting to rule the world and playing sex games with Draco Malfoy to beta-read our fic. 

**Nancy**, who also betas our fic and beats us viciously with a riding crop when we make grammatical mistakes. No, not really. But it sounds dramatic, ne? :D 

Chapter End


End file.
